benni

i think that sums up everything...

but...

i woke up from a dream with a conversation still fresh in mind... dreamt of course. i remember pieces but as it faded away i tried to hold on to it because it seemed so important...

he was telling me how he'd loved me on wednesday... and then on thursday something unspeakable... something i did that made me like all the other girls... and he could not care about me anymore...

i need to remember that he's in a completely different situation now than he was when i met him...

and we argue, with me lying on my back on the pavement, curved awkwardly around a parking meter... staring at the building looming above me... trying to make out the words on its face that i just cant read...

all the pieces in the dream are remembered as small little fragments... blurry, like i'm reaching to find them in a pool of murky water and my fingers keep grazing them, but ultimately swirling them farther away...

i hate dreaming, but i need it... i wish i could remember everything that he said...

or even who he was.

i'm worried about my brother... he had a very difficult weekend and i couldnt be there for him... i love that child to death... and i know he's tough; he's like my own little mini me, without the crotch biting... but there was something in his face and in his voice that tells me hes not okay.

that kid means the world to me.

so many tangents. my arm is still a mess. the big blister on my wrist popped today... there was so much blood in it. i had kinda gotten used to it being there.

i still have to lather the arm in ointment. usually i can stop that after a week. i hope everything is healing up okay.

i missed you guys... this update is so overdue. my mind has been a blank... i've opened this window a thousand times and stared at it, empty and thoughtless... and i could not come up with the words to fill the void.

but i have returned for you, my children. rejoice, and rest assured... that i missed you.

and there are more blurry pictures to make fun of.





fuck you, arm. i will beat you yet.