benni

i fall behind again... sorry guys. i still love you... and i'll bake us cookies. we can all huddle around in pajamas in my living room, talking of memories long since past and plotting to poison that girl at work who always wants to talk to me when she gets wasted... but never wants to talk nice... hot damn. i have this feeling like this entry is going to be dripping with bitterness... and entrails! mmm... bitter entrails...

i fell asleep for somethig like an hour before i went to work today... well, yesterday. easter day. you know that feeling when you start to fall into sleep, and you're still semi-conscious, but can't do much for it...? i hit that state twice, and each time i heard a voice say, "no, you're going to have bad dreams... no bad dreams for you today..." sure enough, when i finally fell asleep, the nightmares began.

i think i have them more often than not now.

maybe because i'm not sleeping enough it's been harder to be happy? i'm questioning myself again... who am i? what am i supposed to be doing? my family and my friends say not this... umm... not sg, they don't know about that yet... that will be a bad day... but dancing, not being enrolled in school now... a seeming lack of direction...

but i hate direction... god, i just need an idea... i need some money, some talent, someone give me something to work with...

i hate direction but i crave it.

i also hate my knees... hate my legs, really. i've been thinking about what i'm going to do when i shoot my next set, and i started wondering if i'm ever going to let you guys see my legs. not because i don't love you all, but i'm so conscious of them... and i hate them. they're too skinny to be mine, and my knees are mangled from dancing...

come to think of it, i never dance without thigh high boots or stockings. i tell myself it's to protect the knees, but maybe they embarrass me...? hmm... bastard knees.

oh, but i love my hands. my one vanity... long skinny fingers... deep nailbeds... everyone should have hands so beautiful. except men... i like men with strong hands... because it makes me feel so tiny and fragile...

i think i'm fragile. i also think i need to sleep... and i think maybe i scared all of you away with this one. long and not as neat as usual... but you just wait... i have a week of pain and anguish coming, during which i cannot work... so i will recharge my sleep battery and hopefully all the joy and humor will come back.

here are my questions for you guys, so you have something to comment on for me: what's your favorite part of your own body? your favorite part of the opposite sex's body? do these pants make me look fat?

eh. im not wearing pants. strike that last one... take care, my lovelies, tuesday will be a better day for me, and for reading this... hehehe... one bad entry in three weeks isn't too terrible. could be worse.

i have to go to duluth today, so the odds that i'll be on to chat or comment for anyone is slim... i will miss you, my children. hehe... it's like i'm my own bizarre cult. comment multiple times if it strikes your fancy. the things you people say to me always cheer me up.

and now, robot! (he is very mysterious.)