today today today.... (sunday, BLOODY sunday...)
incoherent ramblings from my beloved, hand written journal. the thoughts that flow through my pen tend to be a little more disjointed than the thoughts that find their way to my screen... my brain moves so much faster than my overtaxed left hand...
nonsensical.
i like nonsense.
lots of pictures. life never stops with the surprises. torments. habits. habit. gonna keep sinking me, gotta get out from under this giant thumb.
they got it right, boy. everyone whos done it knows it backward and forward, though. its that one thing, that most difficult thing...
but they got it right.
*
i dont understand life. im at such a loss, on everything... every level. im lonely, but its so... just...she says shes lonely too, and all this time i had sort of tuned her out... but not like you think... my typical selfish fashion. the tunnel vision. narrowed. narrow. and then it was just me there, desperately lonely and trying like hell to keep my pen from quitting on me.
*
eat. sleep. bathe. gone.
*
take me by my hand and show me the way, lead me to something better. better than this. raise me from the ash of my life and help me to find the girl i left behind. she wasnt perfect, but she was light years better than me. she had integrity and strength, and a lust for looking forward, looking up.
she was much less than perfect.
but she was better than me.
*
bad dreams still screaming in, lowered histamine or not. you said i was mouthing words to myself. i remember tossing, i remember sobbing. open eyes to black.
the situation dissolves.
*
stirring. a thousand times, uneasy. searching the dark for your hand. legs entwined, tear soaked pillow at my cheek. flip it over. close my eyes.
*
back to sleep.
*
then here i was. a dismal start to shift two. the lonliness creeping in around the edges again... starting to split me at the seams. as usual, my thoughts turn to you...
youre the most beautiful boy ive ever seen.
*
the days run together, eternally gray. i hover on the verge of breakdown today. my heart wont stop quivering. i crawled from a haunted sleep, a cold sweat adding to my unease.
*
wake up. wake up wake up wake up.
*
im fraying at the edges. frustration. self loathing. always ready to break down. never ready to break down.
everything is wrong.
nothing ever changes.
i need a good nights sleep.
incoherent ramblings from my beloved, hand written journal. the thoughts that flow through my pen tend to be a little more disjointed than the thoughts that find their way to my screen... my brain moves so much faster than my overtaxed left hand...
nonsensical.
i like nonsense.
lots of pictures. life never stops with the surprises. torments. habits. habit. gonna keep sinking me, gotta get out from under this giant thumb.
they got it right, boy. everyone whos done it knows it backward and forward, though. its that one thing, that most difficult thing...
but they got it right.
*
i dont understand life. im at such a loss, on everything... every level. im lonely, but its so... just...she says shes lonely too, and all this time i had sort of tuned her out... but not like you think... my typical selfish fashion. the tunnel vision. narrowed. narrow. and then it was just me there, desperately lonely and trying like hell to keep my pen from quitting on me.
*
eat. sleep. bathe. gone.
*
take me by my hand and show me the way, lead me to something better. better than this. raise me from the ash of my life and help me to find the girl i left behind. she wasnt perfect, but she was light years better than me. she had integrity and strength, and a lust for looking forward, looking up.
she was much less than perfect.
but she was better than me.
*
bad dreams still screaming in, lowered histamine or not. you said i was mouthing words to myself. i remember tossing, i remember sobbing. open eyes to black.
the situation dissolves.
*
stirring. a thousand times, uneasy. searching the dark for your hand. legs entwined, tear soaked pillow at my cheek. flip it over. close my eyes.
*
back to sleep.
*
then here i was. a dismal start to shift two. the lonliness creeping in around the edges again... starting to split me at the seams. as usual, my thoughts turn to you...
youre the most beautiful boy ive ever seen.
*
the days run together, eternally gray. i hover on the verge of breakdown today. my heart wont stop quivering. i crawled from a haunted sleep, a cold sweat adding to my unease.
*
wake up. wake up wake up wake up.
*
im fraying at the edges. frustration. self loathing. always ready to break down. never ready to break down.
everything is wrong.
nothing ever changes.
i need a good nights sleep.
VIEW 25 of 79 COMMENTS
I'm back from my self induced limbo. I have to get out of the lamp and get my life together.
I figured coming back to SG would be a good start at this new life. I've been stuck in a world of dancers and drunks for too long.
I don't even know where you are working anymore. I heard you were working for Larry. I hope it's not true, if it is I'll have to cut his little pony tail off if he messes with you. Let me know if you're still alive. You should still have my number.
Miss ya!