benni

its funny. i minute ago i had so many things rolling around in my brain that needed to be said, and then this blinking cursor appeared on a blank screen...

and all my thoughts ran for the hills.

jerks. deserting me like that. ill bash them good!

i bought a black covered, one subject, college ruled notebook yesterday. well, i guess it would technically be early this morning. twoish? threeish? thank you, twenty four hour walgreens! in that same trip i stood in front of the vast array of pens for sale and proceeded just to stand there and stare at them awhile. it took me fifteen minutes to decide which pen i wanted to buy.

i suppose i could be referred to as something of a pen enthusiast, but i would settle with just being known as a girl who likes pens.

very particular about my pens.

i bought the notebook to start a "private" journal, a place to keep all the dirty laundry and forbidden thoughts that im afraid to leave here...

but then i realized two things (both of them about ten minutes ago, when i opened the notebook and got ready to write):

I. im way too lazy to write everything out by hand,

and

II. there is nothing im afraid to write here.

its almost disturbing that i feel better sharing everything with someone, even if that someone is a bunch of people ill probably never see in "real" life... than just writing things down in a notebook that ill lose interest in and store in one of my closets, probably never to be seen again.

its funny. i come back and read my past journals, and i never remember writing them. i recognize them as mine, but ttheyre like...

their own....

something.

something. i dont know.

i just done know.

i dont want this anymore. i dont want the lonliness and the chaos thats not really chaos, but just my stupid psyche making me THINK things are ashamble...

theyre not that bad... things arent that bad, not that wrong...

nothing in my life is wrong but me.

just me.

my cats love me. i love my cats.

my family loves me. i love my family.

my friends love me. i love my friends.

but me...

i just cant make peace with myself.

i forget who i am. i used to know... or at least think i knew... i had some idea of the person i thought i was, and who i wanted to be...

if i had nothing else, i had my convictions...

and i threw them all away over one night...

one beautiful, horrible fucking night

when you convinced me that maybe that glimmer behind your eyes was in mine too, that that same energy, that same lust might be flowing through my veins as well...

i thought you were the most beautiful thing i had ever seen and i wanted you to feel the same way and i threw away MY LIFE so maybe i could prove to you that we are the same, or at least similar enough that when you looked at me you would ache the way i did...

and as my life began to unravel and fall apart i still kept reaching for you

and everytime i touched you from then on, a piece of your shell fell away to reveal you...

and you suddenly stood there, in my minds eye... and my heart broke at the realization that you arent the person i tried to make you...

but just a monster. a parasite, a cold, unfeeling leech.

you ruined my life, without even knowing. without even having any idea what youd done, you ruined everything. and you left. and even a thousand miles away you STILL could break my heart...

and with you gone...

left here able to see

there is only one thing here.

just me.

and i hate you.