ben

It's been awhile since I posted, and I'm pretty bad about updating things here but I've been feeling really down lately. I'm tired of being alone and not having a relationship. I've dated on and off, but it's almost always been with women who are anywhere from 1-6 hours away from where I live. There's not a lot of chances to meet new people in my life, and it's wearing on me pretty heavily. I'm about to the point of just giving up, it doesn't look like there's much hope anyway. I've always tried to be an optimist, but after having my heart ripped out more than once in the past few years it's hard to do anything but despair. I've been on antidepressants for awhile now, and they were at least keeping me numbed but even that is fading lately. I'm weary, and I don't see anything that will change in any positive way in the foreseeable future. I've tried and tried to not be bothered by all of this, but that's just one more thing I've failed at doing. I feel like a waste of space and that the world would probably be better without me in it. I'm just waiting for it all to end one way or another. All I seem to have left is just waiting to die, since I could never end it myself because of how it would hurt my family. Honestly that just makes it worse, at least if I thought I could end it I might feel like I have options. Without that it just makes me feel even worse, because I know I'm basically living the same day over and over again until something finally ends me. Knowing my luck, I'll wind up immortal.