beledi

long time no update...

things have been alright around here, but i've been having some problems staying away from the brink of depression again. usually i'm fine, haven't had a lot of problems since about my third year of university. but i've been crazy-stressed out lately and i've been bordering again. i'm trying not to slip into it, but it's hard. once you know that blackness, it's always calling you back. most of the time, i can ignore it. but some days, it sounds pretty damn inviting. sort of like laying in front of a fireplace in the winter, all warm and comforting, and mesmerizing, the flames dancing and morphing colours.

i'm going to try to stay out of it. i have a lot of reasons not to go down that road again. but sometimes i forget them...and the blackness seems like a damn good friend to have again. i gotta get out of this mood...i was trying, almost went up to s'toon to visit a relatively new friend who was willing to comfort me, if ya know what i mean. but we talked again today and she was a little uncertain...she didn't think it was fair that she was alone with me when she wouldn't let her guy go off and get it on alone with another guy. so now we're at an impasse. i want her bad, but i don't think i can have her. and i don't want to lose the friendship we've been working on. the majority of female friends i have now are straight, so i can't talk to them about what it's like being bi. but when she said she didn't know if we could be together it was a big old kick to the nuts, and the blackness reared it's ugly head again.

fuck i hate being so confused some days...