Man. A lot has changed.
I'm on 20mg Lexapro now, and it's changed my life. My depression is all but gone. My social anxiety folds up and fits neatly into my pocket. I'm bursting out of my shell, smiling profusely, laughing at everything, enjoying life, and not being afraid to! I find it easier to let go of the past, not dwell on old memories, and I'm FAR less angry at life in general. My creativity is awakening from its lethargic, if not dormant state. I feel that now I can be myself, free and unafflicted, not weighed down by the overwhelmingly dreadful feelings of depression and senseless, SENSELESS suicidal thoughts. I feel that my old self is coming back. I know that being myself is all it will take for somebody to love me. I've been trying way too hard to fit too many molds. I'm grasping for girls like I haven't got time left. I'm 21, for Christina's sake! Thankfully, my terrible feelings of loneliness have alleviated with my depression. I no longer feel the NEED to couple up with somebody...I just really want to. I want to cuddle, someone whose back I can rub. Someone to play Wii with me, board games, lay under the stars smoking Afgooey...hehe. No more posting desperate personals ads on Craigslist. I'm just going to float on and see what life tosses at me. A lot of good things are happening for me right now.
Now, on the bad side, I've not stopped smoking weed like I told myself I would once the semester started. Not only that, I find myself not giving a shit about any of my classes anymore. I've missed so many classes so far this semester, it would be a miracle if I weren't automatically dropped from them. I've missed assignments and quizzes (though not tests). I'm really beginning to wonder if this college thing is for me at all. I was such an excellent student in high school - 13 in a class of 103, 3.72 GPA. Now I'm on academic probation (GPA below 2.0), i've dropped far more classes than the policy allows (dunno what's going to happen with that), and I prefer a good morning's sleep to getting up and going to be educated.
To be quite honest with you, I'm ready for a job. Can't I go to school at a later time? Is this really my only chance in life? I don't believe that. I believe I can quit. I believe I can go back when I want to, when I'm ready to. I'm burned the fuck out, man! I really am. I love the firiends I've made here and will, no doubt, continue to make. But I've got nearly 50k in debt (no shit.) and I've got the urge to get my first full time job, perhaps a desk job that pays well. I wouldn't be suffering anymore. I could pay my bills instead of dodging 14 calls a day from debt collectors. I wouldn't need a student loan for food. I wouldn't have to go to a CoinStar machine for gas money.
Part time jobs suck, and I was never able to pull one off whilst attending school. I just don't have the energy in me to devote so completely to two different, very demanding tasks. At this point, I don't care. I'll take an 8-5, suit and tie, bullshit, blow your brains out boring job right now. I will be what I've always said I would never be again - an office tool. Because I know that's a step toward me paying off the large sum of debt I've accumulated in the name of nothing. I've been stumbling around in college these past three years aimlessly. it's a shame, really. 50,000 dollars - do you know what that could have bought? A house, a car. Tattoos. Necessities. Savings. Instead, I'm accumulating interest by the day on this massive sum of money that hasn't bought me anything.
With such an investment, you say, why don't I just finish my degree? I'm three years into school and i'm a sophomore. Next semester, I will be a SOPHOMORE. It will be my fourth year. My friends will be graduating, and probably be getting really good jobs. I admire and only somewhat envy their discipline, but inside I know that I am just not meant for college...I want to work for a couple of years, maybe 2-3, get rid of some of my debt, find a decent apartment/house with my friend Conner, and take care of my basics at community college. That's what I've been stuck on - my basics. The major-specific courses are no problem.
You know, I don't even WANT to get a university degree. I want to get into audio engineering, production, music journalism. You don't need a degree to be a music journalist...you just have to know people. And be good. I just met a girl who works at House of Blues...that would be a perfect job opportunity for me if any positions were ever available. I want to get involved in the music industry so I can get my resume going. That's what I love - Music. Not English. It's interesting to study, but why the FUCK do I want a full fucking DEGREE in English? I'm not going to teach it. Ever. It's only for my personal knowledge. That's it.
Well, I think I'm going to start job searching today. Do you think it's possible for me to find a full time job? What, with this recession and everything? God help me, I'd even be willing to take out my 00g tunnels (I've got silicon hiders).
Here's to living life in the sun once again. I'm glad I'm still here.
P.S. Here's a picture of me and my baby sister at her day care's Valentine's Day party. She's got a beautiful soul.
P.P.S. As an afterthought, I just want to get off my chest how fucking horny I am! God damn it! I haven't gotten laid in three or four months now. I really could use a one night stand...or a fuck buddy. My ex was my fuck buddy until I realized she wasn't going to leave her BF for me (boo hoo). My fuck buddy here in Denton started seeing some guy - or SOMETHING - and stopped banging me. Is it pathetic that I've ACTUALLY considered a hooker for the first time? *shudders*
I'm on 20mg Lexapro now, and it's changed my life. My depression is all but gone. My social anxiety folds up and fits neatly into my pocket. I'm bursting out of my shell, smiling profusely, laughing at everything, enjoying life, and not being afraid to! I find it easier to let go of the past, not dwell on old memories, and I'm FAR less angry at life in general. My creativity is awakening from its lethargic, if not dormant state. I feel that now I can be myself, free and unafflicted, not weighed down by the overwhelmingly dreadful feelings of depression and senseless, SENSELESS suicidal thoughts. I feel that my old self is coming back. I know that being myself is all it will take for somebody to love me. I've been trying way too hard to fit too many molds. I'm grasping for girls like I haven't got time left. I'm 21, for Christina's sake! Thankfully, my terrible feelings of loneliness have alleviated with my depression. I no longer feel the NEED to couple up with somebody...I just really want to. I want to cuddle, someone whose back I can rub. Someone to play Wii with me, board games, lay under the stars smoking Afgooey...hehe. No more posting desperate personals ads on Craigslist. I'm just going to float on and see what life tosses at me. A lot of good things are happening for me right now.
Now, on the bad side, I've not stopped smoking weed like I told myself I would once the semester started. Not only that, I find myself not giving a shit about any of my classes anymore. I've missed so many classes so far this semester, it would be a miracle if I weren't automatically dropped from them. I've missed assignments and quizzes (though not tests). I'm really beginning to wonder if this college thing is for me at all. I was such an excellent student in high school - 13 in a class of 103, 3.72 GPA. Now I'm on academic probation (GPA below 2.0), i've dropped far more classes than the policy allows (dunno what's going to happen with that), and I prefer a good morning's sleep to getting up and going to be educated.
To be quite honest with you, I'm ready for a job. Can't I go to school at a later time? Is this really my only chance in life? I don't believe that. I believe I can quit. I believe I can go back when I want to, when I'm ready to. I'm burned the fuck out, man! I really am. I love the firiends I've made here and will, no doubt, continue to make. But I've got nearly 50k in debt (no shit.) and I've got the urge to get my first full time job, perhaps a desk job that pays well. I wouldn't be suffering anymore. I could pay my bills instead of dodging 14 calls a day from debt collectors. I wouldn't need a student loan for food. I wouldn't have to go to a CoinStar machine for gas money.
Part time jobs suck, and I was never able to pull one off whilst attending school. I just don't have the energy in me to devote so completely to two different, very demanding tasks. At this point, I don't care. I'll take an 8-5, suit and tie, bullshit, blow your brains out boring job right now. I will be what I've always said I would never be again - an office tool. Because I know that's a step toward me paying off the large sum of debt I've accumulated in the name of nothing. I've been stumbling around in college these past three years aimlessly. it's a shame, really. 50,000 dollars - do you know what that could have bought? A house, a car. Tattoos. Necessities. Savings. Instead, I'm accumulating interest by the day on this massive sum of money that hasn't bought me anything.
With such an investment, you say, why don't I just finish my degree? I'm three years into school and i'm a sophomore. Next semester, I will be a SOPHOMORE. It will be my fourth year. My friends will be graduating, and probably be getting really good jobs. I admire and only somewhat envy their discipline, but inside I know that I am just not meant for college...I want to work for a couple of years, maybe 2-3, get rid of some of my debt, find a decent apartment/house with my friend Conner, and take care of my basics at community college. That's what I've been stuck on - my basics. The major-specific courses are no problem.
You know, I don't even WANT to get a university degree. I want to get into audio engineering, production, music journalism. You don't need a degree to be a music journalist...you just have to know people. And be good. I just met a girl who works at House of Blues...that would be a perfect job opportunity for me if any positions were ever available. I want to get involved in the music industry so I can get my resume going. That's what I love - Music. Not English. It's interesting to study, but why the FUCK do I want a full fucking DEGREE in English? I'm not going to teach it. Ever. It's only for my personal knowledge. That's it.
Well, I think I'm going to start job searching today. Do you think it's possible for me to find a full time job? What, with this recession and everything? God help me, I'd even be willing to take out my 00g tunnels (I've got silicon hiders).
Here's to living life in the sun once again. I'm glad I'm still here.
P.S. Here's a picture of me and my baby sister at her day care's Valentine's Day party. She's got a beautiful soul.
P.P.S. As an afterthought, I just want to get off my chest how fucking horny I am! God damn it! I haven't gotten laid in three or four months now. I really could use a one night stand...or a fuck buddy. My ex was my fuck buddy until I realized she wasn't going to leave her BF for me (boo hoo). My fuck buddy here in Denton started seeing some guy - or SOMETHING - and stopped banging me. Is it pathetic that I've ACTUALLY considered a hooker for the first time? *shudders*
I, too, am on the Lexapro and it makes a HUGE difference - Better living through chemistry, I always say!!!! Glad things are looking up - Go ahead and get an office job if that's what you want right now - you'll get sick of it and go back to school soon enough!
Sending you love -
I kinda know how you feel about the whole school thing. Most of the time I would rather just sleep in than go to class but I keep telling myself that if I go the faster I can leave my shitty job.
That's such a cute picture of you and your sister.