bekindtomonkeys

So hi there, SG friends and strangers. I'm back from the void. I've been kind of drifting aimlessly through life since the last time you heard from me, and some things have changed. As of last night, I made the final decision to give up all hope and all attempts to get back with my ex-girlfriend. Today, I set her pictures ablaze. I've been dealing, sometimes gracefully but usually otherwise, with my depression. I've been off and on my Prozac, which is not a good thing, so I'm now OFF. I'm trying every "natural" tactic I can to overcome my mental illness, which, it's becoming increasingly clear, is exactly what it is. It's something I think I'm going to have to live with, learn to handle, because the second I turn my back on it and let my guard down it pulls me into a very dark place. I have to respect it, but never fear it. Yesterday was a very bad day for me mentally. I got to the point of wanting to hurt myself, something my rational mind would NEVER EVER EVER go for. Suicide is a number one no-no to me. Same for self-inflicted injuries...but I found myself so miserable that I would have given anything to take away that pain. Of course, being off my long-time antidepressant (marijuana) isn't doing me any favors. I've been sober - as far as weed goes - for about 3 or 4 weeks, save for about 3 separate occasions during which I smoked. My mental clarity is improving, my memory is coming back, and my moods, though still swinging like your mom at happy hour, are generally more stable. I'm gaining back some of my motivation and hating myself less. I've tried dating, but that was sort of a bust. I made a friend out of the deal, but...well, honestly, the chick was bipolar, anarchistic, uber-clingy and a stripper. Call me a hypocrite for being adverse to a fellow crazy, but man. She was a fucking handful. To be a blatantly assholish sounding typical male (at least I'm conscious of it, right?), she gave the best head I have EVER received. Unfortunately, the four or so times we tried having sex, I lost my erection. Seriously. It has a lot to do with having three years worth of condomless sex with my ex-gf. Condoms, though undeniably a smart idea, suck monkey testes. I've been jacking off since like...the age of 10 or so, and I don't have an overtly sensitive penis, so the repeated abuse of it probably doesn't help much. No girl has ever made me cum via HJ or BJ. This is both good and bad - good because I can last a REALLY long time in bed and have complete control over my orgasms (I've NEVER cum prematurely); bad because when it comes to foreplay activity, I don't achieve that ultimate satisfaction. And more often than not, if the girl doesn't do it perfectly, I'll end up losing interest and wood. God.

Which brings me to today. I'm feeling good as hell, and I'm not going to question why. I woke up this morning and went into my kitchen, which I cleaned spotless from top to bottom Saturday night, and found about six different roaches. It grossed me the fuck out, because I grew up living in a house INFESTED with roaches, but I thought...."Well, maybe I can only see them because they don't have a bunch of shit to hide underneath and feed on." Am I crazy or could I be right? I mean, it looked like two of them were sleeping on the counter...I smacked the shit out of one and the other didn't even budge until I came after it. That's never happened before. I really do think I've given them fewer hiding and dining options. I intend to get some little roach motels for them to sleep in. Motherfuckers.

Enjoy this blog post. As much as my moods shift, along with my motivation, this may be the last one for a while. I mean, shit, my last post was Nov. 13. But maybe this is the sign of a shift toward something more positive for me. I dunno. Only time will tell. I start class back up next Monday. This semester should be MUCH better, seeing as how I'm not going to be getting baked before class every single day. I'm saving that shit for the weekends.