Hello you,
For a few months now, I've been thinking it's time for a real update. You know, the kind where you scroll down and skip a few paragraphs if you even dare to try to read a thing. So here I go.
Loads of things have been changing these last months.
I live in a house with my bandmates, trying to become the best band ever and stuff. We're freaking idealists (how cute !). We've been in the house for a year and a half now. We moved in 5. Now we're 4. One of the dudes, I mean, the man I thought was my best friend for the past 10 years turned out to be a major dickhead. We randomly stumbled upon the information that he had been lying to us for the past nine months about something quite ugly. I dont want to picture all the details, because it's hard to get the whole picture straight without having known the guy. He did things that could have put him in jail for 5 years and us for 3 years if some psychotic unstable person had had the idea to press charges. I'm not sure we're even clear now. My so called friend was the person I've met who's the most encline to lesson others about morality, how he's a man of principles. How no one should ever tell another person a lie. Under no circumstances. Once I lied to him about something futile, and he actually made me feel real bad about it. He sulked for a week or so. At this point he was already lying to us about that "ugly thing" I (hardly) mentionned above. How could I be so naive ? I hate to have regrets, and I came to a point where I regret everything about him.
My roomates and I discussed this a lot, and we realised he'd been lying to us about a lot of things, from the moment we met him. We all knew he exagerated a few things, but now we doubt every word he has ever uttered.
I feel like my innocence and confidence and humanity keeps shrinking no matter how hard I try. I get more and more cynical. Ultimate cynism is dying I believe. Needless to say I hate this.
Well now there's only four of us, and we're feeling much better. Our way of life is more sane. But does it always have to get through a painfull and humiliating process of amputation to get a clearer vision ?
I feel like in a videogame, you know where you have little hearts on the upper right side of the screen to show how many lives you have left. I feel like everytime my heart breaks I have one less life. I'm not sure I have many left.
I tried to avoid this by remaining single. My last breakup was pure shit, just like all the previous ones. So I stay away from everyone, bearing in mind that everytime I used my dick, something bad happens. So I miss opportunities, and I know some day I'm going to regret, but I cant help it. I should probably see a shrink rather than unfolding every detail on a porn-affiliated website.
In other news, my mother is going to be half-moving to Paris next year. It's weird, she's still with my dad, but they wont really live together anymore. She's moving there for her job, like she still has something to prove. I feel like my parents have been only really living together to raise their children, and now that we're all gone away, they dont really have love to keep them together. I always took for granted that my parents were what a couple should be. But my dad ends up mostly alone, and I know it's not his call. It's sad to see after all we all end up mostly alone.
I feel the forementioned cynism taking over me and I dont want to give up yet, and I certainly dont want to complain or pity myself. I hate people who do so, and I dont despise myself enough to want to be like them.
To end up this post on something to look forward to, at least for me, my band is going to play two gigs in paris at the end of march, and one soon in april nearby grenoble. I'll post the dates here later, but if you have nothing planned, come say hello !
Take care
xo
For a few months now, I've been thinking it's time for a real update. You know, the kind where you scroll down and skip a few paragraphs if you even dare to try to read a thing. So here I go.
Loads of things have been changing these last months.
I live in a house with my bandmates, trying to become the best band ever and stuff. We're freaking idealists (how cute !). We've been in the house for a year and a half now. We moved in 5. Now we're 4. One of the dudes, I mean, the man I thought was my best friend for the past 10 years turned out to be a major dickhead. We randomly stumbled upon the information that he had been lying to us for the past nine months about something quite ugly. I dont want to picture all the details, because it's hard to get the whole picture straight without having known the guy. He did things that could have put him in jail for 5 years and us for 3 years if some psychotic unstable person had had the idea to press charges. I'm not sure we're even clear now. My so called friend was the person I've met who's the most encline to lesson others about morality, how he's a man of principles. How no one should ever tell another person a lie. Under no circumstances. Once I lied to him about something futile, and he actually made me feel real bad about it. He sulked for a week or so. At this point he was already lying to us about that "ugly thing" I (hardly) mentionned above. How could I be so naive ? I hate to have regrets, and I came to a point where I regret everything about him.
My roomates and I discussed this a lot, and we realised he'd been lying to us about a lot of things, from the moment we met him. We all knew he exagerated a few things, but now we doubt every word he has ever uttered.
I feel like my innocence and confidence and humanity keeps shrinking no matter how hard I try. I get more and more cynical. Ultimate cynism is dying I believe. Needless to say I hate this.
Well now there's only four of us, and we're feeling much better. Our way of life is more sane. But does it always have to get through a painfull and humiliating process of amputation to get a clearer vision ?
I feel like in a videogame, you know where you have little hearts on the upper right side of the screen to show how many lives you have left. I feel like everytime my heart breaks I have one less life. I'm not sure I have many left.
I tried to avoid this by remaining single. My last breakup was pure shit, just like all the previous ones. So I stay away from everyone, bearing in mind that everytime I used my dick, something bad happens. So I miss opportunities, and I know some day I'm going to regret, but I cant help it. I should probably see a shrink rather than unfolding every detail on a porn-affiliated website.
In other news, my mother is going to be half-moving to Paris next year. It's weird, she's still with my dad, but they wont really live together anymore. She's moving there for her job, like she still has something to prove. I feel like my parents have been only really living together to raise their children, and now that we're all gone away, they dont really have love to keep them together. I always took for granted that my parents were what a couple should be. But my dad ends up mostly alone, and I know it's not his call. It's sad to see after all we all end up mostly alone.
I feel the forementioned cynism taking over me and I dont want to give up yet, and I certainly dont want to complain or pity myself. I hate people who do so, and I dont despise myself enough to want to be like them.
To end up this post on something to look forward to, at least for me, my band is going to play two gigs in paris at the end of march, and one soon in april nearby grenoble. I'll post the dates here later, but if you have nothing planned, come say hello !
Take care
xo
Merci pour tes gentils mots, tout le monde autour de moi me dit que je suis trop impatiente donc j'essaie de penser que c'est vrai et que tous mes projets aboutiront, mais c'est une qualit qui me fait toujours un peu dfaut. Je me dis qu' mon ge d'autres avaient dj fait plus de trucs du coup je complexe un peu, blabla...
"everytime I used my dick, something bad happens": je pense que le problme vient plus du coeur, la bite en elle mme ne gnre pas ta souffrance ^^ Mais je comprends ce que tu veux dire. Pour ma part j'essaie de rester assez dtache, et de toute faons je n'ai pas vraiment le temps de courir aprs le prince charmant (parce qu'aprs tous les connards que j'ai vu dans ma vie & celle de mes amis, je ne suis vraiment pas dsespre ^^).
Pour Facebook je gre assez bien mme si je trouve aussi que je passe trop de temps glander derrire mon ordi, je discute plus souvent avec certaines personnes, c'est plutt cool.