Not sure what to do with myself these days. I find myself alone and bored most of the time. Now that the divorce is final and done somehow something is different. Everything seemed much easier back when I was married. Always something to do together. Now that I'm all by myself I'm unsure what the hell I'm doing half the damn time and second guess myself on as simple of things as should I have a glass of water cuz I'm thirsty or should I sleep cuz I'm tired? Ahhh...sleep. When I can actually get some its great and I'm out like a light. But then there was like last night where I couldn't get a winks worth. The last week or so has really been weird. I feel much different, but still the same. I think I'm writing this more for myself just to be sure I make any sense to myself. So far, that would be a big "No". For now I'm gonna keep going out and be social when I can and when I feel like it and when I can afford it. Its easy where I live to do stuff and see people as I have a ton of cool neighbors that are always hanging around and doing things. I find myself always looking out my windows to see if anyone is out walking there dog or using the BBQ area. If I see someone I know I may just go out and strike up a conversation for the hell of it as its better then sitting in front of the computer or TV.
Man, and as for dating, or trying to ask women out is beyond me, I haven't a clue what the fuck I'm doing. And of the women I have been able to encounter and see has been a bit uncomfortable for me. My flirting skills need some major work/help as does my level of confidence to do said flirting. Sure, I have had some dates and even some sex, but there's something missing and its been very difficult for me to actually hit a level where I'm happy afterwards. Oh, I'm happy as hell before and during, some of the sex I've had has been dynamite, as there were a couple things missing in my marriage that I have been able to explore now. And now I see what I was missing and needing and that was quite possibly a good, but not very valid, reason for not fighting to stay married? That was more her doing then me anyways and was one of only a few issues we had. Or more so, issue I had.
But I still need a few things to continue for me that will make the dating thing more adventurous and fun; like more passionate make out sessions that lead to ripping clothes off cuz you just have to do it right then and there. Oh, how fun that is! The need to get fucked hard. Wow, did I just say that!? Yikes! I'm horny way too much and that sucks too! Although, at my age now, I'm finding it to be a bit less then from what I know I can be and not as important or easy to have to act on it. Well, not really...back pedalling now...I don't have the avenue of acting on it available like when married. Anyways, I'm baffled as to how easy some of it has gone down and how hard its been to even get up the nerve to ask a woman her name. I guess I'll just keep going with the flow and see where it takes me and what it does to change me. I'm not really thinking about getting into a relationship just yet, but if someone comes along who I like alot and makes me feel that change within myself, makes me feel different, happy, and new, then maybe I'll consider it? Its confusing to even try to think about stuff like this, hence the no sleeping last night, and why I think I needed to type out a few things today so maybe I can stop thinking about it. Uuggghhh.
Man, and as for dating, or trying to ask women out is beyond me, I haven't a clue what the fuck I'm doing. And of the women I have been able to encounter and see has been a bit uncomfortable for me. My flirting skills need some major work/help as does my level of confidence to do said flirting. Sure, I have had some dates and even some sex, but there's something missing and its been very difficult for me to actually hit a level where I'm happy afterwards. Oh, I'm happy as hell before and during, some of the sex I've had has been dynamite, as there were a couple things missing in my marriage that I have been able to explore now. And now I see what I was missing and needing and that was quite possibly a good, but not very valid, reason for not fighting to stay married? That was more her doing then me anyways and was one of only a few issues we had. Or more so, issue I had.
But I still need a few things to continue for me that will make the dating thing more adventurous and fun; like more passionate make out sessions that lead to ripping clothes off cuz you just have to do it right then and there. Oh, how fun that is! The need to get fucked hard. Wow, did I just say that!? Yikes! I'm horny way too much and that sucks too! Although, at my age now, I'm finding it to be a bit less then from what I know I can be and not as important or easy to have to act on it. Well, not really...back pedalling now...I don't have the avenue of acting on it available like when married. Anyways, I'm baffled as to how easy some of it has gone down and how hard its been to even get up the nerve to ask a woman her name. I guess I'll just keep going with the flow and see where it takes me and what it does to change me. I'm not really thinking about getting into a relationship just yet, but if someone comes along who I like alot and makes me feel that change within myself, makes me feel different, happy, and new, then maybe I'll consider it? Its confusing to even try to think about stuff like this, hence the no sleeping last night, and why I think I needed to type out a few things today so maybe I can stop thinking about it. Uuggghhh.