beeg

Something in me tells me I should listen to him. That somewhere deep in that twisted psycho-babble he manipulates me w/, there's some sort of sense, some sort of caring, wanting to lead me down the right path. Ok, so I'm pretty sure I know that, but when it hurts so bad I'm weeping, when I can't stand up straight b/c I'm so weak w/ confusion, when I resort to slashing my own arm b/c nothing else will take away the pain of what he says to me, acuses me of, blames on me... it does nothing. I run away and find shelter in all that is not there. How can you hurt someone so much who you claim to love?? If I'm THE ONE, why is everything I do so wrong?? Goddess, give me the strength to carry on and do SOMETHING right...

I really should find a middle ground, somewhere not so dangerous, not so structured... maybe someday. I feel so lost, a tiny kitten drowning in a giant pool. I need guidance, not abuse and shoves. An understanding hand w/ gentle suggestion and a loving caress when I, again, fail and learn on my own, as I will always. Please, let someone understand me...

I miss her terribly, she makes me so happy...

Tonight, I drink to lessons learned...
**Pegasus**