This is an old story, but with little sleep and a stack in my inbox it will have to do for now. Plus it's a winter story and it's cold as fuck outside. Anyway:
G.I. BLUES
At heart Im a very, very lazy person. I dont read directions because its too much trouble, I dont remember phone numbers, I cant be bothered with learning peoples names, and I will use any excuse to stay home, lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. So when I heard that the forecast called for a dusting of snow, I thought that I better stay in for the night. You can never be too careful, I told myself cautiously. And when my roommate, Jasmine, told me that she had plans for the night and I would have the house to myself, my heart sang. So my plans are to do nothing. Lay around. Listen to music. Read. Nothing.
Being that Im an incredibly social creature, I decided to stay in my bedroom until Jasmine went out for the evening. Its not that I dont like Jasmine, I just dont like PEOPLE. I sat in my room all day fantasizing about having the place to myself all night. The possibilities were endless- I could walk around naked, I could smear the cat in peanut butter, I could hold my own All Britney All Night festival. I had big plans.
So imagine my surprise when I finally hear Jasmines car pulling away and I emerge from my room to spot a girl sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV. A girl with a crew cut, by the way.
"Hello?"
She looks at me like I'M intruding on HER.
"Hi", she says. And returns to her MTV.
ok. um. let's try this again.
"Where's Jasmine?"
"She went out."
For the night?
Maybe
Ah, I think. That explains that. Maybe I should ask the cat. Because the cat would be a bigger help.
"Where?"
"I don't know. With her friends." She has a REALLY thick Southern Accent.
Does anyone else think that I should be supplied with more information here?
"Arent you going with her?" I ask.
"No, I was supposed to be driving back tonight. But I can't because of the snow. So I have to stay here."
Ah. Ok.
"Back where?"
"Virginia. Where I'm stationed."
"Stationed?"
"I'm in the navy."
"Oh," I reply stupidly. That explains the crew cut.
Irritated by my presence, she gets off the couch and opens the refrigerator-my refrigerator- and slams it shut in disgust. "Do you know where I could get something to eat? she asks.
I tell her about the filthy convince store on the corner, but she's afraid to go out in the snow. She was from Louisiana, originally, and I guess that for people from Louisiana snowstorms are like high school diplomas- they've been rumored to exist, but no one's actually seen one. So I put on my boots and hat go with her to the filthy convince store on the corner. And she can't find anything she wants.
So we leave the store and she spots the bar across the street, the Raven, and asks if I want a beer. I've never been to The Raven, although it's right down the block from my house. Wallington, NJ is said to have the highest percentage of bars per capita or any town in the state. And each one is more horrifying than the next one. People who commit unspeakably horrible acts in life should be sentenced to an eternity in a Wallington bar. But the night is already shot, so I might as well go to The Raven.
Tonight it's nearly empty- five guys, including the bartender, in the corner watching the Raiders/Patriots game on a small TV. When we entered they all turned and looked at us, like they were shocked that actual customers might be coming in. Or maybe it was a reaction to a girl with a crewcut. I don't know.
The snow is actually really coming down outside by now. The wind is howling. And Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up In Blue" is playing on the jukebox. We get two beers and she tells me her whole story. Her name was Becky. She joined the Navy two years ago when her first girlfriend left her and broke her heart. And she hated every second of it. She was literally counting the days until she got out (600 and something if I remember).
She was home In New Orleans over the New Years when she met Jasmine. Jasmine had gone there on vacation- WITH HER NEW GIRLFRIEND. That's an important detail. She said she fell for Jasmine the minute she saw her. "She the most beautiful girl I ever seen," she said wistfully. Jasmine had given Becky her phone number and told her that if she was ever in New York she should look her up. Becky decided to surprise Jasmine and drove up here on her own, calling Jasmine when she was in the NJ turnpike to fill her in on the plan. Jasmine, unfortunately, had plans of her own tonight. And now it was snowing too hard for Becky to drive home.
"Did you know she had a girlfriend?" I asked.
"I guess"
Oh.
Now I'm no expert in the ways of love, but this would strike me as a less than brilliant move on Becky's part.
"I can't believe I'm near New York City, though. My Mamma sent me $100 when I told her I was coming."
"Mmmm", I replied.
" I don't know, "she continued, staring into her beer, "I'd love to be with Jasmine someday. She's a beautiful girl. I asked her for a picture."
Does Becky seem a bit dim to you too?
She picked up her phone and checked it for about the 200th time since we sat down.
"Are you expecting a call?" I asked her.
"I have to report within 4 hours if they call me."
"You'll never make it to Virginia in four hours," I say. " You can't drive in this. What are you going to do if they call?"
"I don't know."
I watched her stare into her beer for a minute.
"So are you AWOL?" I asked.
"I don't know. I reckon so."
"Ah." long pause.
The Patriots score. The five guys cheer and high five. Buddy Holly plays on the jukebox.
We both stare into our beer. She's not the brightest girl in the world, but I feel bad for her anyway. Sleeping on a stranger's couch in a strange city (even if it IS near New York City) with a broken heart during a snowstorm while you're AWOL is NOT the best way to spend a Saturday night.
"Have you ever been to a strip club?" I ask.
"No"
"You wanna go?"
"Yeah!" She says. Her eyes light up. "Can I go home and fix my hair?"
I look at her crew cut. "You can if you want, but I don't think it's necessary."
"Ok, let's just go then." She's all excited now. "Can we walk or do we have to drive? I almost went to one in Texas once, but it was too much to get in. I was with my friends. I've never been to one. What do they wear?"
"Nothing."
"All right!"
So we went to Stilettos, where my friend Tina works. There were 15 girls working there and three customers. So we ordered Nachos and hung out with the girls and she watched the rest of the Raiders/ Patriots game.
And I never heard her mention Jasmine again. She fell asleep on the couch telling me that Tina was "the Most Beautiful Girl She'd Ever Seen" and she was gone when I woke up the next day.
I hope she didn't ask Tina where she lived.
G.I. BLUES
At heart Im a very, very lazy person. I dont read directions because its too much trouble, I dont remember phone numbers, I cant be bothered with learning peoples names, and I will use any excuse to stay home, lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. So when I heard that the forecast called for a dusting of snow, I thought that I better stay in for the night. You can never be too careful, I told myself cautiously. And when my roommate, Jasmine, told me that she had plans for the night and I would have the house to myself, my heart sang. So my plans are to do nothing. Lay around. Listen to music. Read. Nothing.
Being that Im an incredibly social creature, I decided to stay in my bedroom until Jasmine went out for the evening. Its not that I dont like Jasmine, I just dont like PEOPLE. I sat in my room all day fantasizing about having the place to myself all night. The possibilities were endless- I could walk around naked, I could smear the cat in peanut butter, I could hold my own All Britney All Night festival. I had big plans.
So imagine my surprise when I finally hear Jasmines car pulling away and I emerge from my room to spot a girl sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV. A girl with a crew cut, by the way.
"Hello?"
She looks at me like I'M intruding on HER.
"Hi", she says. And returns to her MTV.
ok. um. let's try this again.
"Where's Jasmine?"
"She went out."
For the night?
Maybe
Ah, I think. That explains that. Maybe I should ask the cat. Because the cat would be a bigger help.
"Where?"
"I don't know. With her friends." She has a REALLY thick Southern Accent.
Does anyone else think that I should be supplied with more information here?
"Arent you going with her?" I ask.
"No, I was supposed to be driving back tonight. But I can't because of the snow. So I have to stay here."
Ah. Ok.
"Back where?"
"Virginia. Where I'm stationed."
"Stationed?"
"I'm in the navy."
"Oh," I reply stupidly. That explains the crew cut.
Irritated by my presence, she gets off the couch and opens the refrigerator-my refrigerator- and slams it shut in disgust. "Do you know where I could get something to eat? she asks.
I tell her about the filthy convince store on the corner, but she's afraid to go out in the snow. She was from Louisiana, originally, and I guess that for people from Louisiana snowstorms are like high school diplomas- they've been rumored to exist, but no one's actually seen one. So I put on my boots and hat go with her to the filthy convince store on the corner. And she can't find anything she wants.
So we leave the store and she spots the bar across the street, the Raven, and asks if I want a beer. I've never been to The Raven, although it's right down the block from my house. Wallington, NJ is said to have the highest percentage of bars per capita or any town in the state. And each one is more horrifying than the next one. People who commit unspeakably horrible acts in life should be sentenced to an eternity in a Wallington bar. But the night is already shot, so I might as well go to The Raven.
Tonight it's nearly empty- five guys, including the bartender, in the corner watching the Raiders/Patriots game on a small TV. When we entered they all turned and looked at us, like they were shocked that actual customers might be coming in. Or maybe it was a reaction to a girl with a crewcut. I don't know.
The snow is actually really coming down outside by now. The wind is howling. And Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up In Blue" is playing on the jukebox. We get two beers and she tells me her whole story. Her name was Becky. She joined the Navy two years ago when her first girlfriend left her and broke her heart. And she hated every second of it. She was literally counting the days until she got out (600 and something if I remember).
She was home In New Orleans over the New Years when she met Jasmine. Jasmine had gone there on vacation- WITH HER NEW GIRLFRIEND. That's an important detail. She said she fell for Jasmine the minute she saw her. "She the most beautiful girl I ever seen," she said wistfully. Jasmine had given Becky her phone number and told her that if she was ever in New York she should look her up. Becky decided to surprise Jasmine and drove up here on her own, calling Jasmine when she was in the NJ turnpike to fill her in on the plan. Jasmine, unfortunately, had plans of her own tonight. And now it was snowing too hard for Becky to drive home.
"Did you know she had a girlfriend?" I asked.
"I guess"
Oh.
Now I'm no expert in the ways of love, but this would strike me as a less than brilliant move on Becky's part.
"I can't believe I'm near New York City, though. My Mamma sent me $100 when I told her I was coming."
"Mmmm", I replied.
" I don't know, "she continued, staring into her beer, "I'd love to be with Jasmine someday. She's a beautiful girl. I asked her for a picture."
Does Becky seem a bit dim to you too?
She picked up her phone and checked it for about the 200th time since we sat down.
"Are you expecting a call?" I asked her.
"I have to report within 4 hours if they call me."
"You'll never make it to Virginia in four hours," I say. " You can't drive in this. What are you going to do if they call?"
"I don't know."
I watched her stare into her beer for a minute.
"So are you AWOL?" I asked.
"I don't know. I reckon so."
"Ah." long pause.
The Patriots score. The five guys cheer and high five. Buddy Holly plays on the jukebox.
We both stare into our beer. She's not the brightest girl in the world, but I feel bad for her anyway. Sleeping on a stranger's couch in a strange city (even if it IS near New York City) with a broken heart during a snowstorm while you're AWOL is NOT the best way to spend a Saturday night.
"Have you ever been to a strip club?" I ask.
"No"
"You wanna go?"
"Yeah!" She says. Her eyes light up. "Can I go home and fix my hair?"
I look at her crew cut. "You can if you want, but I don't think it's necessary."
"Ok, let's just go then." She's all excited now. "Can we walk or do we have to drive? I almost went to one in Texas once, but it was too much to get in. I was with my friends. I've never been to one. What do they wear?"
"Nothing."
"All right!"
So we went to Stilettos, where my friend Tina works. There were 15 girls working there and three customers. So we ordered Nachos and hung out with the girls and she watched the rest of the Raiders/ Patriots game.
And I never heard her mention Jasmine again. She fell asleep on the couch telling me that Tina was "the Most Beautiful Girl She'd Ever Seen" and she was gone when I woke up the next day.
I hope she didn't ask Tina where she lived.
VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
Enjoy the pizza and Buff Buff.
That equals a killer new set in Cancun.