bedheadchicken

My first topless selfie.

Please excuse the pills-indecued glaze in my eyes. This was taken Friday, after I got home from a quickly arranged shoulder surgery.

I don't pretend that the tale of this broken wing is the most fascinating one ever. But if one cares to know about it, let's go back to the summer of 2012, shall we?

There are several people whose very name is synonymous with a dedication to physical fitness: Jack Lalanne, Matthew Mc Conaughey and his killer abs, me.

Yes me. I was toiling away at my Strong and Shapely gym (you heard me. thats's the real name of my gym) last night lifting heavy things and putting them down. And at one point I lifted the heavy things up and something popped in my left shoulder and suddenly the heavy things were on my chest. I was bench pressing when all of a sudden I lost control and the weights crashed down on me . I was struggling and couldn't breathe or get it off me (THAT'S why they say to have a spotter!!) and trying to signal the guy who was working out in front of me that I needed help. Being that I couldn't breathe most of my signaling was done by turning maroon, bugging out my eyes, and wagging my tongue like Jabba the Hut being strangled by Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini.

Fortunately somebody BEHIND me saw me struggling and came over and lifted the weight off me. I sat there panting. I couldn't move my left arm.

"Dude. That looks gross"

I looked over. It indeed did look gross. My left arm had dislocated and come out of the socket. It was just sorta hanging there. Super gross. And it hurt. A lot.

"I think I dislocated my arm" I said. Rather calmly, I must say.

"So do you need me to strip the weights off this, then?" he asked. Swear to god.

"That would be great. Thanks"

I got up and walked to the door. I was holding my left arm with my right and walking very gingerly. It hurt like a bitch. I didn't really have a plan. I don't know where I was going. What I was really thinking, no kidding, was Mel Gibson in "Lethal Weapon" slamming his arm back into the wall when it was dislocated. It seemed like a good idea.

"Are you ok?" the desk manager asked me.

"I think I dislocated my arm", I said. "I might have to go to the hospital"

He volunteered to take me. Nice. Got someone to cover and asked me to meet him on the corner while he pulled his car around. On the corner is a bar. Outside the bar was a couple in their 50's having a smoke. I was clearly in distress and they asked me what the matter was. I told them about my situation. The guy studied me.

"I can put it back" He said to me.

"No thank you. Really"

"No. I can. It'll hurt but I just have to yank it out and put it back"

"I appreciate that. But no. Thanks"

"We're just trying to help!" said the woman, annoyed with me now.

"And thank you but.."

"Just let me help!" yelled the guy.

"I appreciate the offer. Really" I said. Now having to reason with them. "But please understand my position whereas I do not want to accept a serious, very painful and dangerous medical procedure from someone who I don't know in a bar. I hope that doesn't sound crazy to you?

"I can really help" he said. More serious.

Thankfully the car pulled around and the Strong and Shapely guy took me to the hospital and dropped me at the emergency room. I was checked in and asked to wait. I stood in the corner holding my left hand with my right. My ipod ear buds trailed behind me on the floor, as I was unable to let go of my arm to retrieve them, and my sweatpants were slowly being pulled down by the ipod's weight. I kept pushing them up by pushing my butt up against the wall. This went on for 2 hours.

I was finally seen around midnight. They gave me a shot to numb some of the pain. Finally. And the doctor told me that he had to put me out in order to stick my arm back into its socket. To do this they needed to release me into someone's care. So I had to call my mom. Like I was 6.

I was finally taken in after 1AM. I've never been put under before. They did that thing when they tell you to count backwards. I asked if I should do it out loud or to myself. The next thing I knew I was being asked to sit up. I asked when the arm fixy thing was gonna happen. They told me it was done. Science!!! And drugs!!!


So that was Part one. Part two was from last week:

I'll have you know that I may have just said the most emasculating thing I have ever said: "Can you please carry my juicer to my car? I can't lift it"

This was said to a 23 year old girl. By the way.

I got a job on an ABC Family show. I'm officially taking time off to write these days. But I got this call and it was only a week. So I said yes.

So shoot day 1 was this Sunday. Call was 6AM in Nyack, NY.

The show, btw, is called "Twisted". I have NO idea what it's about other than it stars a bunch of 25 year olds who are supposed to be high school students. And one of them killed someone (???) and now that he's out of juvy everyone thinks he's "Twisted". Or something. And Denise Richards (who looks pretty gaunt these days) plays....someone. A mom? And Robin Givens (who looks great). Plays someone else. I'm sure I could look all this up. But it's too much trouble.

Anyway...

We wrapped around 10PM, and as I was driving home it took me at least 15 minutes to realize that I was driving the wrong direction on the NY Thruway. Saw there was an exit close and cut across two lanes, cutting someone off behind me. I went to wave out the window to apologize and DISLOCATED MY ARM!!!

So I drove myself to the hospital. Got my wing popped back in. And went to work the next morning. This time in a sling.

Now, if you recall, I dislocated my arm last summer. (Doing something more than waving out my window, I should say!) Well that was with the SAME producer. Who hired a lot of the same crew on this ABC show. And this is the first time I've worked with them since then. They all saw me walk off set Saturday night with 4 working limbs. And 8 hours later I'm back on set in a sling. They're all like "What is UP with you??? How did you do this in the 8 hours we had off??? And is this something you do halfway through EVERY job???"

We finished shooting yesterday. I'm back in the office today. Previous to all of this I had ordered a juicer. Don't judge me. My sister just got one. People sing their praises. I decided to give it a shot. So I ordered one and had it delivered to my office.

And this brings me to the most emasculating thing I've ever said.

So yeah. Quickly arranged shoulder surgery.

Hope you guys are doing well.