I'm lazy. I'll admit that. I sit down in the shower. I only eat things I don't have to chew that much I watch the first part of movies until I have to think about the plot. You get the idea. So I was home last night watching "Volver" (which I LOVED, by the way) and generally unwinding after my first week on the new movie. My cell phone rang. I ignored it. It rang again. Ignor. Again. I finally picked it up. It was my friend Jenny, from Florida. I only picked up because I thought something was wrong. 3 times in 10 minutes? I haven't even spoken to Jenny in months. So I pick it up "I'M IN NEW YORK!" she yells. "FOR THE WEEKEND! WITH MY BOYFRIEND! COME MEET US!"
I should back up a bit. I know Jenny through her older sister CJ, who is one of my best friends in the world. But I've known Jenny for 8 years at this point, although I haven't seen her in two. She's a great girl. She's sweet, bubbly, blond, super pretty, generous, etc. She's wonderful. She lives in Tampa and works for CJ in her real estate business. CJ told me that she was getting fairly serious with her boyfriend but I hadn't met the guy yet. And now here they were. In my city. So I went to meet them for a drink. 1 drink. Then back to my beautiful, beautiful bed and "Volver". Which I loved. By the way.
'I GOT ENGAGED!!!!" Jenny screamed at me as I walked into the midtown restaurant where she and Paul sat. Paul was a big guy-about 6'4"- beard, curly hair. He sat back in his booth like he had just conquered some land mass in Asia. Jenny jumped up and down and showed me the ring. "I GOT ENGAGED!!!" She screamed again.
"Just now?" I asked.
"YES!"
"Well congratulations!" I hugged her. I shook Paul's hand, introduced myself, and congratulated him too.
"We are gonna have the best night EVER! I wanna show my baby the best night of her life!" Paul yelled. "We're gonna be out until the sun comes up! WOOOO!"
So much for one drink.
So I asked them where they wanted to go. Jenny had been in NY twice before and Paul had never been here. On top of that they had just gotten into town a few hours before and Paul had seen almost none of the city yet. So I drove them around a bit. We went up 57th street, down 5th Ave, past Rockefeller Plaza, and then through Times Square. Paul was so excited he was jumping up and down in his seat.
"Look, honey," Jennny said "It's midnight and there's traffic!"
"This is awesome!" Paul yelled.
"I wish we could live here," Jenny said wistfully.
"Baby, we're gonna live in the most beautiful place on earth," Paul said, angrily. He was not kidding around.
Jenny slumped into the back seat. She had been told.
"Where do you live?" I asked. "Are you in Tampa too?"
"NO! I live in Celebration! It's literally IN Disney World, bro!"
I've read about Celebration, Florida. It's a Disney-run town. Bird songs are piped in over hidden loudspeakers. Fake snow is put out in the winter. And according to Wikipedia the town's black popularion is 1.74%.
"It's the most awesome place ever!" He went on. "If I spill coffee on the sidewalk they literally come by to clean it and sand it within like 15 minutes."
"Well that's handy" I say.
"It's awesome".
After I showed them 42nd Street (my dismissive reference to the place being Disney-ized by Guliani was lost on Paul, who considered it a compliment) I asked them if there was something they wanted to do.
"Magnolia Bakery!" Jenny yelled from the back seat.
What is the crazy power that Sex and the City had that EVERY girl that comes to New York wants to go to Magnolia Bakery! It's insane! But I took them anyway. We went inside and both Jenny and Paul insisted on taking pictures with the kids working the register ("Bro! This guy's wearing eyeliner! He's just hanging out wearing eyeliner!") and we finally, mercilessly, left,
"I'm not sure you need that cupcake babe" Paul reminded Jenny. Jenny, by the way, is in better shape than most Olympic athletes. "Now let's get another drink"
We were close to a place I used to go to on Bleeker Street years and years ago called The Peculiar Pub. So I took them there.
"I've arrived, Bro" Paul said, sitting in his booth. "I've totally arrived. Babe, guess how much that ring is worth?"
""10 Thousand?" Jenny asked.
Paul made a face like she had just farted.
"WHAT!? WAY more than that babe!""
He turned to me. "Did you ever hear how we met?"
"No". It was the truth.
"I was totally hot for this girl in my office. Melissa. She was hot. Tits. Blond. Awesome. But then she got engaged. So I was like 'Melissa, you owe me. You gotta hook me up.'.
And Melissa was like "I know two sisters-CJ and Jenny. They're both blonde and beautiful and great.' So I said 'I'll take the YOUNGER one"
He put his hand up for me to high five.
I wanted to show them a few different neighborhoods, so we left and I took them to Mason/Dixon on Essex on the lower east side. They were both stumbling by now.
The bartender at Mason/Dixon looked like he should be the bass player for Fallout Boy. Paul ordered us drinks and then turned to me and said "What do you call that look?"
He was about 3 feet away.
We got our drinks and moved to the corner. Bon Jovi was playing and Jenny started to dance. A guy a few feet away a guy turned and looked at her casually for a moment, then turned away.
Paul made a move towards the guy. I stopped him.
"I ain't afraid to fight" he told me.
"Well you're a foot taller than him," I said. "And do you really want the police involved on your engagement night?"
He backed off.
Somehow the conversation then turned to the lack of black people Paul had seen.
"I thought NY was full of black people."
"Ummmm" I replied. " Well there were some black people at the last bar we were in."
" I'm old school hip hop!" Said the man who literally lived in Disney World. " I like 50 Cent. I have a dangerous side to me. I love this culture."
At that point I decided it was best to take them home. At a light at Essex and Houston he saw a black woman in a car next to us and raised his fingers to his lips to ask if she had marijuana.
We got back to the Hyatt at Grand Central at about one. I wished them luck seeing "Jersey Boys" the next day and we all said our goodnights. On the way into the hotel Paul went through the doors first and didn't hold the door.
I should back up a bit. I know Jenny through her older sister CJ, who is one of my best friends in the world. But I've known Jenny for 8 years at this point, although I haven't seen her in two. She's a great girl. She's sweet, bubbly, blond, super pretty, generous, etc. She's wonderful. She lives in Tampa and works for CJ in her real estate business. CJ told me that she was getting fairly serious with her boyfriend but I hadn't met the guy yet. And now here they were. In my city. So I went to meet them for a drink. 1 drink. Then back to my beautiful, beautiful bed and "Volver". Which I loved. By the way.
'I GOT ENGAGED!!!!" Jenny screamed at me as I walked into the midtown restaurant where she and Paul sat. Paul was a big guy-about 6'4"- beard, curly hair. He sat back in his booth like he had just conquered some land mass in Asia. Jenny jumped up and down and showed me the ring. "I GOT ENGAGED!!!" She screamed again.
"Just now?" I asked.
"YES!"
"Well congratulations!" I hugged her. I shook Paul's hand, introduced myself, and congratulated him too.
"We are gonna have the best night EVER! I wanna show my baby the best night of her life!" Paul yelled. "We're gonna be out until the sun comes up! WOOOO!"
So much for one drink.
So I asked them where they wanted to go. Jenny had been in NY twice before and Paul had never been here. On top of that they had just gotten into town a few hours before and Paul had seen almost none of the city yet. So I drove them around a bit. We went up 57th street, down 5th Ave, past Rockefeller Plaza, and then through Times Square. Paul was so excited he was jumping up and down in his seat.
"Look, honey," Jennny said "It's midnight and there's traffic!"
"This is awesome!" Paul yelled.
"I wish we could live here," Jenny said wistfully.
"Baby, we're gonna live in the most beautiful place on earth," Paul said, angrily. He was not kidding around.
Jenny slumped into the back seat. She had been told.
"Where do you live?" I asked. "Are you in Tampa too?"
"NO! I live in Celebration! It's literally IN Disney World, bro!"
I've read about Celebration, Florida. It's a Disney-run town. Bird songs are piped in over hidden loudspeakers. Fake snow is put out in the winter. And according to Wikipedia the town's black popularion is 1.74%.
"It's the most awesome place ever!" He went on. "If I spill coffee on the sidewalk they literally come by to clean it and sand it within like 15 minutes."
"Well that's handy" I say.
"It's awesome".
After I showed them 42nd Street (my dismissive reference to the place being Disney-ized by Guliani was lost on Paul, who considered it a compliment) I asked them if there was something they wanted to do.
"Magnolia Bakery!" Jenny yelled from the back seat.
What is the crazy power that Sex and the City had that EVERY girl that comes to New York wants to go to Magnolia Bakery! It's insane! But I took them anyway. We went inside and both Jenny and Paul insisted on taking pictures with the kids working the register ("Bro! This guy's wearing eyeliner! He's just hanging out wearing eyeliner!") and we finally, mercilessly, left,
"I'm not sure you need that cupcake babe" Paul reminded Jenny. Jenny, by the way, is in better shape than most Olympic athletes. "Now let's get another drink"
We were close to a place I used to go to on Bleeker Street years and years ago called The Peculiar Pub. So I took them there.
"I've arrived, Bro" Paul said, sitting in his booth. "I've totally arrived. Babe, guess how much that ring is worth?"
""10 Thousand?" Jenny asked.
Paul made a face like she had just farted.
"WHAT!? WAY more than that babe!""
He turned to me. "Did you ever hear how we met?"
"No". It was the truth.
"I was totally hot for this girl in my office. Melissa. She was hot. Tits. Blond. Awesome. But then she got engaged. So I was like 'Melissa, you owe me. You gotta hook me up.'.
And Melissa was like "I know two sisters-CJ and Jenny. They're both blonde and beautiful and great.' So I said 'I'll take the YOUNGER one"
He put his hand up for me to high five.
I wanted to show them a few different neighborhoods, so we left and I took them to Mason/Dixon on Essex on the lower east side. They were both stumbling by now.
The bartender at Mason/Dixon looked like he should be the bass player for Fallout Boy. Paul ordered us drinks and then turned to me and said "What do you call that look?"
He was about 3 feet away.
We got our drinks and moved to the corner. Bon Jovi was playing and Jenny started to dance. A guy a few feet away a guy turned and looked at her casually for a moment, then turned away.
Paul made a move towards the guy. I stopped him.
"I ain't afraid to fight" he told me.
"Well you're a foot taller than him," I said. "And do you really want the police involved on your engagement night?"
He backed off.
Somehow the conversation then turned to the lack of black people Paul had seen.
"I thought NY was full of black people."
"Ummmm" I replied. " Well there were some black people at the last bar we were in."
" I'm old school hip hop!" Said the man who literally lived in Disney World. " I like 50 Cent. I have a dangerous side to me. I love this culture."
At that point I decided it was best to take them home. At a light at Essex and Houston he saw a black woman in a car next to us and raised his fingers to his lips to ask if she had marijuana.
We got back to the Hyatt at Grand Central at about one. I wished them luck seeing "Jersey Boys" the next day and we all said our goodnights. On the way into the hotel Paul went through the doors first and didn't hold the door.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
unless of course you're using the Hispanic "Jesus" in which case, it depends on which team trades for him.