becomingx

I'm sitting in the basement of my fathers house, alone. Back in a house that I swore I would never return to. I've just finished pulling and stretching the covers onto my queen-sized bed. A bed that I will sleep in alone for the first time in almost 2 years. Just 30 days ago we were talking about how maybe in the next couple of months we should maybe think about him finding a room mate because I'm thinking that maybe I might want to go back to school and my dad's offered to let me stay with him rent-free while I do so. Even before we lived together, 5 or more nights out of the week I never feel asleep without at least knowing he was going to be there when I woke up. 30 days, and I feel like I've regressed by years. I'm living at home again. I'm having to try to escape the smothering attention of my sister again. I've lost the freedom to drink and smoke and swear and dance around in my panties whenever the mood strikes.

In the last 90 days I ...

Broke up with my boyfriend
Nearly had a nervous breakdown
Talked about moving out
Gave the boyfriend another chance
Had a miscarriage
Broke up with my boyfriend, mutually this time
Nearly had a nervous breakdown
Gave the boyfriend another chance ... again
Got held up at work by a crack addict
Nearly had a nervous breakdown
Moved back to my dad's house

I want SO badly to be allowed to have a fucking nervous breakdown.

I don't know what the hell to do.
One part keeps telling me that I'm making a huge fucking mistake.
Another keeps telling me I'm making the best decision of my life.
One part is SO excited to have a life just for me again, to be able to be myself and take back everything I gave up to make him happy.
Another is terrified that no one else will ever love me.
I'm pathetic and weak and indecisive and I hate myself.
But I hate myself more when I'm with this guy.
Except every now and then, he acts so sweet, and then I'm hooked.
Tiny specs of decency between hour long blocks of ignoring me and any attempt I make at conversation or amorous attention while he smokes ridiculous amounts of shit and plays non-stop video games with his hockey buddies. (Or at least they used to be hockey buddies, seeing as they all had to quit the league because they spent to much money on dope and bitched and whined about how they couldn't afford $8 a week anymore while they smoked yet another quarter this week)

Fuck.

This is probably the most boring post anyone will ever read on here, and I don't care.

Fuck.