beautifulxalone

I don't even know where to begin, or what to say.

I feel like this right now :





Actually, I've felt like that for months........



I guess I finally got my answer.

Thankfully, Katie was there. For a 17 year old, she sure is insightful. I almost lost my cool 20 times at work today. Thankfully it was busy. Thankfully I could be surrounded by people who could make me laugh. Thankfully I was getting encouraging text messages. Thankfully I spent hours at the bar sipping at a red bulla nd vodka and talking about hip-hop. Thankfully I got to know a stranger a little better tonight. Thankfully I left work with $145 tonight. Thankfully it was worth working a double...and I didn't fuck up any orders, and my customers were all nice.

I'm grateful for so much right now.

And sad about many many more things....


Blessing in disguise? I doubt it. But you've certainly opened my eyes. And I guess I just have no other choice but to move on now......

This really may be the hardest thing I've ever gone through...and at the worst point in my life. Who else would I need more than you this year? Who else is going to keep me company and wipe away my tears, and tell me they love me before rolling over and snoring in my ear all night? Who else is going to motivate me?


No one.



I'm done. I just can't. It's too late...and I have to work a double tomorrow.

Just keep busy.

PS. I'm so set on keeping busy that I'm driving 3 hours out of my way to Williamsport PA on Tuesday to pick katie up because her mom wouldnt let her drive back alone from her boyfriend's college. I'm doing it because I love this girl, I love her boy..and they're in love...and I remember what that was like. I remember feeling like you couldn't live without that person and how much it hurt when you were away from them.

Sadly, I still feel that way.




Fuck.
Goodnight.



- - -


and I listen for the whisper
of your sweet insanity while I formulate
denials of your effect on me

you're a stranger
so what do i care
you vanish today
not the first time I hear
all the lies...

what am I to do with all this silence

- - -



Edited to say...

(It's 6:51 AM)

Fuck you, Redbull. Because I had 3 hours of nightmarish sleep...and woke up crying, and now I'm sitting here staring at the screen with droopy eyes, and thinking about how I wanted a cigarette, even though I know that smoking one will probably make me lose my voice all day, since I smoked about 12 parliament menthols last night. It's so funny because everyone asks me how I can smoke cloves, but goddamn, when I smoke regular cigarettes, I feel like ass.

Fucking A. I used to be such a strong person. Like, beat your ass to the ground if you fuck with me, kind of strong. Now I'm just a weeping, withering-away-to-nothing MESS who can't get the attention that she desires from anyone that she needs it from.


Oh God, love's such a bitch.



be expecting another letter from me soon...


Fuck you, sun. Fuck you work. Fuck you headache. Fuck you heart.