beautifulxalone

I don't know what it is about listening to the Faint when I'm high, but I love it.

So today is a little brighter I guess. I got good sleep last night, but had a serious panic attack yesterday. I think it was just from not eating all day. I got really sick; puked up bile. Cold sweats, and tunnel vision. It was seriously the worst feeling ever. I really need to get my shit together. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to make an appt. to get blood taken. My mom said it would be a really good idea to get bloodwork done because diabetes and thyroid disease run very closely in our family... and that would explain the severe weight loss. But so would not eating right, drinking too much, and smoking alot. I know I don't eat healthy. I know I don't care of myself... but now it's really starting to get to me. I look skeleton-like in the mirror. I haven't weighed under 110lbs since I was like 15! I'd like to go see a nutritionist.

Bad habits are so hard to break. Especially when they've been bad habits for years.

So on a completely unrelated topic, I had really nice sex this weekend with someone I LOVE and cherish more than anyone else in this world. <3 my batteries were recharged especially when I would just look over at him and we'd both be laughing hysterically at the STUPIDEST shit. man, some things in life just AMAZE me sometimes....


there had been some serious tension at the house lately, but I think that's been squashed for the most part. I had a really good morning talking and laughing and smoking with my girl. and last nite was fun too. We all decided that we want to travel alot our last year here... we're going to do a few days in Las Vegas at the end of september for Ashley's 21st. that's going to be sweet. She's the last of us to turn 21, and we want to make it memorable for her! We decided we HAVE to go to Amsterdam, so that's going to be our A6 winter extravaganza. And then Spring break... it's off to a tropical paradise. haha. This is certainly all WISHFUL thinking, but if we save some cash, we could certainly do it. I want to travel so bad. I would love, love LOVE to go back to San Fransisco. It was so fucking beautiful there. Get me out of Jersey please! I feel claustrophobic here. Ironically tho, I still picture myself moving back here to raise my family. Home is where the Heart is I guess, right?

I'm happy with myself because I've saved quite a bit of money this month, and after paying bills I still have about 300$ in my account. Werd. Even tho I still owe my dad a ridiculous amount of money bkz I keep going over my txt messages. Grrr. I need a new phone/phone plan.

I talked to my old friend Travis yesterday. I miss him like crazy and told him he needs to come up to visit me soon.

I hate saying Goodbye.

I wish I had motivation to do anything, ever. But I enjoy spending hours doing nothing. I haven't had time to do this in months. I guess there's just things that I NEED to do, that I still HAVEN't. Like, get my car inspected? Heh.

An old best friend of mine IM'd me the other day saying she hoped I was good, and that she's home if I'm going to be around, to call her. Hah. Now this is a girl that I used to be inseperable from, but now she only contacts me when she's "home". Her home is not my home anymore. I IMd her back a curt message saying that I moved out, and didn't live down there anymore, and that I'm barely ever down there -- once a month and only for a few hours. She would know that if she talked to me EVER. She made no effort this year or last to keep in touch with me. Couldn't even tell me happy birthday, and then she's going to try to talk to me bkz she's bored at home? Fuck you. I'm old enough to burn bridges, and I'm going to definitely burn the bridges that have no use to me. Goodbye!

I don't know. I don't live that life anymore.

And that doesn't bother me in the least. I told my mom that I was definitely going to move to Miami after graduation. I love the girls that I live with right now, and I want to continue living with them. If they're all moving to Miami, I will follow because who else could I live with up here? Those girls are my FAMILY now. I miss them when I'm away from them for only a few hours... There was no way that I'd be able to move back home after living by myself for 2 years. There's nothing for me at home anymore. There are alot of job options for me in Miami tho. I think I'd have to really work on my Spanish speaking skills tho, because I think I'll end up working with alot of people who don't speak English well, or at all. It'll be a very interesting experience. I'm excited. I'm excited for change, for once. I need it.

I cleaned the entire house yesterday. It needed it. The kitchen was littered with empty red bull cans and an empty handle of Smirnoff. haha. That in itself, explains the past WEEK at this house. I wish we could have a BBQ. We need a grill. I cleaned out all of our glassware too. That was gross, but greatly needed. Heh. My room is spotless, and that makes me happy. My mom would be so proud if she saw me cleaning so much. She thought I'd never be the one to clean, but I'm the only one who does!

Okay, enough babbling. Nap or productiveness? Nap, probably. haha.