beautifulxalone

"So baby, be good to me.
Because I've got nothin' to give you, you see.
Except everything,
Everything..
Everything.
All the good, and the bad...."

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Hi, I'm alive. Doing much better than last week. I spent the past week in a haze of vikes, pain, and a whirlwind of emotions. Confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, etc. It's been an interesting ride. Hop on if you'd like.

Basically I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst, which typically in females is not a huge deal, but you see, I've got some interesting medical problems when it comes to the good ol reproductive system. Let's just say that it hasn't been that good to me over the years. But the health scare has passed, and I'm starting to feel (almost) human again. I had to take a week off from work, so I'm worried to see what my paycheck - or lack thereof - looks like tomorrow. Ahem. But I did get a lot of rest, and had a very nice boy who took very good care of me when I was feeling oh so shitty. Thank you, my dear.

I've decided that I'm going back into therapy...This is an idea that I've been toying with for awhile, and have decided that for the sake of my own well being, and the sake of the sanity of those I care about, that it would be a good idea to discuss with someone my "issues", especially the fact that I am so fucking overemotional, to the point that it is very much so getting in the way of everyday life, the future, etc. I've been putting this off for a number of reasons, the main reason being that I had no health insurance up until now, but mainly because I (thought) that I had become good at pushing these things that were bothering me aside and just going about my life suppressing all of this shit. I've learned over the past few months just how much I have been keeping locked inside, and that it really is taking a toll on me and will continue to hinder my success in life, love, school, etc. Being in the mental health field myself, I have a lot more knowledge about therapy and different types of therapies than I did the last time I sought out professional help. I have no shame in seeking help, and know that it is very much necessary, and hope that it will bring me some clarity, and the peace of mind that I have been seeking and wanting so desperately for some time now. I know that I am the only one who has the control to change these things, and I think that this is a good first step. So we'll see how that goes.

I have become much better at expressing myself and my own needs. I find that a lot of the time I put others needs before my own, something that I've always done...and then I look back on certain situations wishing that I had said something differently, explained myself better or had just stopped to listen.

This recent health scare put a lot of things into perspective for me. It made me realize that I am not taking care of myself the way that I should be, and need to be. This is something that is always in the back of my mind, but has also been one of those things that I just push under the rug, to worry about "another day". Well, that day has come...and now it's time to stop saying that I should do things, and just say that I will do them.

Two of my dearest friends have been upset with me because I haven't been around lately, mostly because I spend a lot of time with the boy. I got a message today saying that they are disappointed in me and they miss me, and that I have changed so much since starting to date J. That angered me and made me upset at the same time. I don't feel that I have changed, but I do understand where they are coming from. I haven't been around much, and it's nice to know that they miss having me around. I explained to them that sometimes I get very much lost in my own world, and what is going on with me, that I lose sight of how my actions may be perceived by other people. I care about these two more than anyone else in the world because they both for different reasons have been such amazing friends to me over the years; and I would never give up friendship like that for anything in this world.
This is another situation where my own insecurities come into play. I am insecure in many ways about different things, but over the past few months have done my best to stay patient and understanding, and just enjoy it for what it's worth. Hopefully that continues to work. I have faith in this relationship, and I know that in time things have the potential to be really fucking amazing. I feel that way now, even though there are some tough days. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but nothing good ever is. My wise friend told me today that she understands the motivation of wanting to spend a lot of time with the boy because of the insecurities behind it, but she reminded me that you cannot base a relationship off of fear. That is a very true point, and I wouldn't want it to be that way. I will just continue to focus on the good that there is between us, and let everything else fall into place however it will. All I know is that I have never fought this hard for something in my life. That's kind of unnerving, but must mean something, right?

Anyway, enough of that shit.

This past Sunday was the most perfect summer day. It started out on a bit of a rocky note, but the rest of the day was absolutely wonderful. I spent it with my favorite people in my favorite atmosphere, enjoying the beautiful weather, the sunshine, and then having a lovely barbecue which ended with drunken re-enactments of Wayne's World in my kitchen (videos to come). It was the best fucking day, and the best way to end a really shitty week. The rest of the weekend was pretty awesome as well, even though I went back and forth from feeling extremely shitty, to feeling okay. J's friend was in town for the weekend, and I played tour guide on Friday while J. was at work and showed him a bit of the history of Boston. It was a lot of fun.

Last night we went to see an amateur Burlesque performance, which was pretty fucking cool. I decided that the next time they do something like that (if there is a next time, I hope so!!) I'm going to sign up to perform. I fell asleep last night thinking about what kind of performance I would do, and I'm giddy thinking about being on stage again. I miss that shit so much. The women that performed were all pretty good, and I give them all tons of props for getting up there and doing that, they all had immense confidence, and beauty. It was really cool to see.

I realized that I use a lot of run on sentences when I write. Oops.

And now I leave you with some pix from our lovely summer day:

xox.