I'm so very very tired. But I wanna fill you guys in on today and yesterday.
First off, the reason I didn't post last night was because we were having a lot of storms and possible severe weather, so I insisted she stay at my house for the night. I gave her my room and just slept downstairs.
Well Tuesday morning we started off by hanging out at my house for a little bit then heading out to the zoo. The Oklahoma City zoo is one of the best in the world, not quite as good as San Diego, but close. We spend hours there walking around and seeing all the animals. We got to feed Lorikeets nectar for a dollar. You buy a little cup of it, then they let you into a big open caged area where all the birds are free, and they fly right up and land on you and drink the nectar out of your cups. At one point I had 4 on me, and they were even fighting over the nectar... it's a little scary when they're on your shoulder doing so... but it was a blast. We must have been laughing about it for half an hour. After the zoo, we went down Western street to Size Records, which is owned by this guy named Jim that has been in our scene for years and years. Pretty much the only guy who sells underground music in the state - and he has been through over 3 store locations as he keeps going bankrupt. He keeps coming back, he's a great guy. I wanted Robin to meet him and also give her a chance to check out some really rare music. We were both pretty impressed at what we found. I forget what she bought, but I got a Those Unknown album, and 2 ORIGINAL vinyls from the mid 60's... a 'Best of Alton Ellis', and a 'This is Jamaica Ska' record, that says "Introducing the Skatalites".... crazy shit. They're fucking unplayed from the 60's. Jim ordered them and they were off the truck a day before we got there straight from a wharehouse in Jamaica. What a find.
After that, we went home where my parents had cooked out and we had a nice dinner. We went upstairs and watched a Boston Beatdown movie, then went out to see the Bombing Memorial downtown. We were getting pretty tired and it started raining so we went back to my house, watched a little tv, and then called it a night.
This morning we woke up and were out of the house by 11. We went downtown again to see the Oklahoma City Arts Museum (which was beautiful, I got to see 3 original Rosenquists, which made my day) and go for a walk. We didn't bother moving the car and just walked 5 or 6 blocks to the bombing memorial museum, and went through that... it was very powerful, at one point I'll admit I cried. I knew 2 people that died in the blast.
On one portion of the tour.. you go into a room and are secluded. It looks a lot like a board meeting room, only with one black wall and much smaller. You find a seat and and they begin playing the only recording of the blast that exists... a meeting that started at 9 o'clock in a building just right across the street. There is a lot of typical business talk, and 2 minutes in.. you hear it explode.. the lights in the room flicker and turn off.. and on the black wall appear the 168 faces of those who died at that exact moment... then they all fade away back to blackness.. a new door opens up and there is a large tv playing footage from minutes after the blast on the local news.. theres panic and emotion and smoke everywhere. It brought back a lot of memories from the blast... which I felt.. and seeing that news that I watched on that day. It was really hard for me. There were people screaming for their children and rescure workers scrambling to keep up with the chaos. I won't go on about it, but to those who don't know much about the bombing and the impact it had. I strongly suggest you look into it. Because it is a very powerful and important thing everyone should know about.
On to happier subjects though.
After the museum we went back to my side of town and stopped at a local BBQ place for some dinner. We were only there about 30 minutes before we went back to my house and called my friend Andrew. He picked up Aaron and we all met up downtown to hang around and talk. Nothing too exciting, although we did see a banjo player on the corner, and I payed Andrew a dollar to hit on random women.. hilarity ensued.
It was pretty late after all that so we drove home, then dropped Robin off at her hotel room. As much as I miss her even now I did need a night to relax. It has been so non stop all this week. I don't want it to ever end.
God so much has gone through my mind in the past couple days. So much. I really am having one of the best weeks of my life but it has also been one of the most difficult. I don't know how to deal with having Robin here and not being able to hold her hand and be close to her. It's completely tearing me to pieces. I bring so much on myself. When she was writing an email today I saw her copy and paste from a distance.. so naturally I pasted it in Word so I could read it. I knew it was to him... but I couldn't resist, even though I knew it would hurt me so badly. I was right, and it did. She loves him, and apparently misses him very much. It's only been a couple days... and days with her best friend in the world. Why does she have to miss him now? Shouldn't this be a happy week for her? Instead when we aren't doing something special out of the house, I see her drifting off in thought. She says she has a lot on her mind, but refuses to talk about it. I know what it is already. I just wish there was something I could do. Anything in the world to be with this girl. I would marry her in a heartbeat if she would have it. I've talked to her and loved her for 4 years and now that she's here I'm being pushed to the breaking point. I've never felt this way about any other girl in the world.. and I've had relationships that I felt were very powerful. We're just so close. There are obvious blocks in our communication, but I know it's partially because of my shyness, and her reluctance to say things that would hurt me. She knows they would. If anything ever happened to our friendship I really do believe I would kill myself, because I can't imagine living a life without Robin in it.
It's just too much to bear though. My mind has been racing with things I could do or say and I get ideas but don't know how well they would go over, or if I would have the courage to try in the first place. I think tomorrow I may try to steal an hour or so of just sitting in my room, talking time. Once the ball is rolling I don't have a problem being really open and honest. It's getting to that point which is difficult for both of us. I'm begining to think that even if it hurts me it would be better than denying that anything is wrong when I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to ruin her trip, but I don't know if I could forgive myself if I didn't take this opportunity to do it now while I could look in her eyes. Who know's when I'll be blessed enough to see her again. It could be a year, and the thought of a week makes me ache.
I have it really bad for this girl... God I don't like seeing myself get this way but sometimes there's no other alternative. I am willing to risk everything because she's everything to me... but is it even possible? She's so far away.. she's in a long term relationship that is apparently going really well. They talk on the phone every night. In her mail it said she had a great time talking to him last night.. the night she slept in my bed she was talking to him. If only I could put into type how that makes me feel...
I know I've posted a ton and I hope that it hasn't bored you. If you're still reading after all this I'm very thankful. I need to ask this.. in great seriousness.
What should I do?
Don't tell me there's nothing I can do. Or that you don't know. No time will tell's or keep your chin up's. I need real things that I can do before dinnertime friday. I'm not just asking. I'm begging. If you only post one comment on this journal for the rest of your life let it be about this. I desperately need help from anything that has ANYTHING to say. My mind is so full and racing with thoughts that I can barely handle it. I don't know if I CAN handle it. This is so much more intense than anything I've had to go through before. Please respond.
A letter? What would I write in it? When would I give it to her?
A talk? What would I say.. when? How would I say it?
Should I really ignore my feelings and let her leave before I bring anything up?
Should I bring it up so fully that I risk my friendship for such an impossible dream?
I'm going to go lay down. I'm so tired, but sleep won't be coming for a while. I hope you all can make sense of my rants, and have the time to read over them. I appologize for everything. I just need help.. so badly. Unless I get responsed by 10 or so tomorrow morning I won't get to check it until the night... and then anything I did would have to be on the day she left.. I don't want to push it so close.. please help.
First off, the reason I didn't post last night was because we were having a lot of storms and possible severe weather, so I insisted she stay at my house for the night. I gave her my room and just slept downstairs.
Well Tuesday morning we started off by hanging out at my house for a little bit then heading out to the zoo. The Oklahoma City zoo is one of the best in the world, not quite as good as San Diego, but close. We spend hours there walking around and seeing all the animals. We got to feed Lorikeets nectar for a dollar. You buy a little cup of it, then they let you into a big open caged area where all the birds are free, and they fly right up and land on you and drink the nectar out of your cups. At one point I had 4 on me, and they were even fighting over the nectar... it's a little scary when they're on your shoulder doing so... but it was a blast. We must have been laughing about it for half an hour. After the zoo, we went down Western street to Size Records, which is owned by this guy named Jim that has been in our scene for years and years. Pretty much the only guy who sells underground music in the state - and he has been through over 3 store locations as he keeps going bankrupt. He keeps coming back, he's a great guy. I wanted Robin to meet him and also give her a chance to check out some really rare music. We were both pretty impressed at what we found. I forget what she bought, but I got a Those Unknown album, and 2 ORIGINAL vinyls from the mid 60's... a 'Best of Alton Ellis', and a 'This is Jamaica Ska' record, that says "Introducing the Skatalites".... crazy shit. They're fucking unplayed from the 60's. Jim ordered them and they were off the truck a day before we got there straight from a wharehouse in Jamaica. What a find.
After that, we went home where my parents had cooked out and we had a nice dinner. We went upstairs and watched a Boston Beatdown movie, then went out to see the Bombing Memorial downtown. We were getting pretty tired and it started raining so we went back to my house, watched a little tv, and then called it a night.
This morning we woke up and were out of the house by 11. We went downtown again to see the Oklahoma City Arts Museum (which was beautiful, I got to see 3 original Rosenquists, which made my day) and go for a walk. We didn't bother moving the car and just walked 5 or 6 blocks to the bombing memorial museum, and went through that... it was very powerful, at one point I'll admit I cried. I knew 2 people that died in the blast.
On one portion of the tour.. you go into a room and are secluded. It looks a lot like a board meeting room, only with one black wall and much smaller. You find a seat and and they begin playing the only recording of the blast that exists... a meeting that started at 9 o'clock in a building just right across the street. There is a lot of typical business talk, and 2 minutes in.. you hear it explode.. the lights in the room flicker and turn off.. and on the black wall appear the 168 faces of those who died at that exact moment... then they all fade away back to blackness.. a new door opens up and there is a large tv playing footage from minutes after the blast on the local news.. theres panic and emotion and smoke everywhere. It brought back a lot of memories from the blast... which I felt.. and seeing that news that I watched on that day. It was really hard for me. There were people screaming for their children and rescure workers scrambling to keep up with the chaos. I won't go on about it, but to those who don't know much about the bombing and the impact it had. I strongly suggest you look into it. Because it is a very powerful and important thing everyone should know about.
On to happier subjects though.
After the museum we went back to my side of town and stopped at a local BBQ place for some dinner. We were only there about 30 minutes before we went back to my house and called my friend Andrew. He picked up Aaron and we all met up downtown to hang around and talk. Nothing too exciting, although we did see a banjo player on the corner, and I payed Andrew a dollar to hit on random women.. hilarity ensued.
It was pretty late after all that so we drove home, then dropped Robin off at her hotel room. As much as I miss her even now I did need a night to relax. It has been so non stop all this week. I don't want it to ever end.
God so much has gone through my mind in the past couple days. So much. I really am having one of the best weeks of my life but it has also been one of the most difficult. I don't know how to deal with having Robin here and not being able to hold her hand and be close to her. It's completely tearing me to pieces. I bring so much on myself. When she was writing an email today I saw her copy and paste from a distance.. so naturally I pasted it in Word so I could read it. I knew it was to him... but I couldn't resist, even though I knew it would hurt me so badly. I was right, and it did. She loves him, and apparently misses him very much. It's only been a couple days... and days with her best friend in the world. Why does she have to miss him now? Shouldn't this be a happy week for her? Instead when we aren't doing something special out of the house, I see her drifting off in thought. She says she has a lot on her mind, but refuses to talk about it. I know what it is already. I just wish there was something I could do. Anything in the world to be with this girl. I would marry her in a heartbeat if she would have it. I've talked to her and loved her for 4 years and now that she's here I'm being pushed to the breaking point. I've never felt this way about any other girl in the world.. and I've had relationships that I felt were very powerful. We're just so close. There are obvious blocks in our communication, but I know it's partially because of my shyness, and her reluctance to say things that would hurt me. She knows they would. If anything ever happened to our friendship I really do believe I would kill myself, because I can't imagine living a life without Robin in it.
It's just too much to bear though. My mind has been racing with things I could do or say and I get ideas but don't know how well they would go over, or if I would have the courage to try in the first place. I think tomorrow I may try to steal an hour or so of just sitting in my room, talking time. Once the ball is rolling I don't have a problem being really open and honest. It's getting to that point which is difficult for both of us. I'm begining to think that even if it hurts me it would be better than denying that anything is wrong when I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to ruin her trip, but I don't know if I could forgive myself if I didn't take this opportunity to do it now while I could look in her eyes. Who know's when I'll be blessed enough to see her again. It could be a year, and the thought of a week makes me ache.
I have it really bad for this girl... God I don't like seeing myself get this way but sometimes there's no other alternative. I am willing to risk everything because she's everything to me... but is it even possible? She's so far away.. she's in a long term relationship that is apparently going really well. They talk on the phone every night. In her mail it said she had a great time talking to him last night.. the night she slept in my bed she was talking to him. If only I could put into type how that makes me feel...
I know I've posted a ton and I hope that it hasn't bored you. If you're still reading after all this I'm very thankful. I need to ask this.. in great seriousness.
What should I do?
Don't tell me there's nothing I can do. Or that you don't know. No time will tell's or keep your chin up's. I need real things that I can do before dinnertime friday. I'm not just asking. I'm begging. If you only post one comment on this journal for the rest of your life let it be about this. I desperately need help from anything that has ANYTHING to say. My mind is so full and racing with thoughts that I can barely handle it. I don't know if I CAN handle it. This is so much more intense than anything I've had to go through before. Please respond.
A letter? What would I write in it? When would I give it to her?
A talk? What would I say.. when? How would I say it?
Should I really ignore my feelings and let her leave before I bring anything up?
Should I bring it up so fully that I risk my friendship for such an impossible dream?
I'm going to go lay down. I'm so tired, but sleep won't be coming for a while. I hope you all can make sense of my rants, and have the time to read over them. I appologize for everything. I just need help.. so badly. Unless I get responsed by 10 or so tomorrow morning I won't get to check it until the night... and then anything I did would have to be on the day she left.. I don't want to push it so close.. please help.
bcoskin:
I guess my last day is my only day. Ahh guys... please. This goes a little bit beyond a casual hope for a comment. This is kind of a last chance desperate plea for help before the girl of my dreams is gone.