Darlin dont you go and cut your hair
Do you think its gonna make him change?
My cell phone is an asshole. Yes, I have had it for a while and Im certainly due for an upgrade I just have a really hard time spending money replacing something that works passably well when they are so many other things I need. Like CDs and comics and food. And electricity. And theres no way Im signing another slave-to-Cingular contract just to get a new phone that actually, you know, rings when its supposed to.
Increasingly over the last week my phone has decided to stop alerting me when people call and opts instead to let me know (usually within seconds) that I have a new voicemail message. I was worried that people would start to think I was screening their calls. At first, that seemed to be the case. A flurry of brief and annoyed call me backs for days on end. Then, a quick alteration to my outgoing message gave people license to start leaving slightly more elaborate voicemails.
I already mentioned the Yuba City bumpernuts message. Wednesday I got this message from the guy who cuts my hair:
Mike, its K-. Listen, I am so sorry but I am not going to be able to see you tonight. I have a fever! Bloody Brit bitches got me sick. Im going home now but Ill call you when Im feeling better. Sorry.
He had been in London since the end of January and I had been very patient, going weeks past my usual due date so he could have something to work with when he got back. Fuck. At least he made up with a spot of witty alliteration.
My brother:
I need to know if you have any experience with textiles. Listen: you know the GAP hooded sweatshirts? The standard sweatshirts with G-A-P spelled out on the chest? We make our own sweatshirts ready for this that say G-A-Y. Huh? Yeah? Same font, same style. We make millions. Im the idea guy on this. You handle the, you know, textile angle. Call me back!
Textiles. Im in charge of textiles. I dont even know what that means. All I know is I am definitely not the idea guy here.
On my way to pick up a friend for a photography class:
Hi its S-. I dont think Im going tonight. I just you know yeah. After yesterday I think oh it doesnt matter. Call me later and Ill tell you about it. I dont know what H- told you, but oh man. Just letting you know so you dont have to pick me up. Hopefully I caught you before you left work. If not, um call me back and let me know I dont know. Maybe I should just go. Its just oh whatever. Okay. Never mind all that. Yeah. Im going. I guess Ill see you in a few Oh! Wait! I cant go tonight! Even if I wanted to Unless. Oh fuck. Im sorry Never mind all that. I can go. I am going. Pick me up. Sorry.
I was within a block of her place when I started listening to the message. Ten minutes of three-point turns and spilled coffee later, I rang her doorbell
I dont know who this was:
Yo bitch. Blow me.
A friend in Portland:
Ohmygodohmygod! You have to call me backyouaresuchanassholeandyounever call me back! Imjustkiddingbutseriouslycallmebecauseyou will not be-leeeve this shit! Oh and I got you another bum sign. It says Will Take Verbal Abuse For Spare Change. Cost me five bucks. ButyourenotgettigitunlessyouCALL ME BACK! Asshole.
Which reminds me I need to call her back.
I really should just spend the money and buy a new phone. But what I really need is a fucking haircut
Do you think its gonna make him change?
My cell phone is an asshole. Yes, I have had it for a while and Im certainly due for an upgrade I just have a really hard time spending money replacing something that works passably well when they are so many other things I need. Like CDs and comics and food. And electricity. And theres no way Im signing another slave-to-Cingular contract just to get a new phone that actually, you know, rings when its supposed to.
Increasingly over the last week my phone has decided to stop alerting me when people call and opts instead to let me know (usually within seconds) that I have a new voicemail message. I was worried that people would start to think I was screening their calls. At first, that seemed to be the case. A flurry of brief and annoyed call me backs for days on end. Then, a quick alteration to my outgoing message gave people license to start leaving slightly more elaborate voicemails.
I already mentioned the Yuba City bumpernuts message. Wednesday I got this message from the guy who cuts my hair:
Mike, its K-. Listen, I am so sorry but I am not going to be able to see you tonight. I have a fever! Bloody Brit bitches got me sick. Im going home now but Ill call you when Im feeling better. Sorry.
He had been in London since the end of January and I had been very patient, going weeks past my usual due date so he could have something to work with when he got back. Fuck. At least he made up with a spot of witty alliteration.
My brother:
I need to know if you have any experience with textiles. Listen: you know the GAP hooded sweatshirts? The standard sweatshirts with G-A-P spelled out on the chest? We make our own sweatshirts ready for this that say G-A-Y. Huh? Yeah? Same font, same style. We make millions. Im the idea guy on this. You handle the, you know, textile angle. Call me back!
Textiles. Im in charge of textiles. I dont even know what that means. All I know is I am definitely not the idea guy here.
On my way to pick up a friend for a photography class:
Hi its S-. I dont think Im going tonight. I just you know yeah. After yesterday I think oh it doesnt matter. Call me later and Ill tell you about it. I dont know what H- told you, but oh man. Just letting you know so you dont have to pick me up. Hopefully I caught you before you left work. If not, um call me back and let me know I dont know. Maybe I should just go. Its just oh whatever. Okay. Never mind all that. Yeah. Im going. I guess Ill see you in a few Oh! Wait! I cant go tonight! Even if I wanted to Unless. Oh fuck. Im sorry Never mind all that. I can go. I am going. Pick me up. Sorry.
I was within a block of her place when I started listening to the message. Ten minutes of three-point turns and spilled coffee later, I rang her doorbell
I dont know who this was:
Yo bitch. Blow me.
A friend in Portland:
Ohmygodohmygod! You have to call me backyouaresuchanassholeandyounever call me back! Imjustkiddingbutseriouslycallmebecauseyou will not be-leeeve this shit! Oh and I got you another bum sign. It says Will Take Verbal Abuse For Spare Change. Cost me five bucks. ButyourenotgettigitunlessyouCALL ME BACK! Asshole.
Which reminds me I need to call her back.
I really should just spend the money and buy a new phone. But what I really need is a fucking haircut
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
chiclet:
bahaha. that was a cool assortment of voicemails. mine are never that fun!
lilyk:
i will attempt to, but i just feel like crap allover which makes me lazy... after these crappy classes i am going to call my ortho- he is going to be sooooooooo annoyed with me... crap. 