Guide to Theatre Eddiquette
Somthing atrocious has happened to a bastion of sanity in our world. It is being defiled, sodomized if you will. This wonderful place was once a weekly, bi-weekly for some, chance to escape all the war, famine, relationship problems and guatemalan mob enforcers that we all face. However the "terrorists" are getting us there too. By terrorists I of course mean the ignorant savages that dont give a shit about the unwitten rules for cinema goers. What the hell happened? Things slowly slipped away from us until we arrive where we are today. Somthing has to be done! So here it is, for the movie gods and everyone everywhere, the rules are being written. Pay very close attenttion, especially the idiots, I know youre a little slow on the uptake.
1. This should go without saying, CELLPHONES! You dumb sons-of-whores, they put the great big notice, the polite reminder that we dont need to know wether or not youre popular, we dont give a rats ass! No exceptions, "I have to leave it on for emergencies", if your existence involves emergencies so often you cant turn off your phone for an hour and a half then you shouldnt be at a friggin movie! Honestly, I believe that the instant sombodys cell phone rings they can pause the movie (theatres are slowly switching over to digital so it will soon be possible in every theatre) so we can all take our detachable hardened plastic armrests in hand and beat the living crap out of the callee and we will not stop until he/she is unconsious and has a six thousand dollar hospital bill to look forward to in the immediate future. I will guarantee this is a solid plan of action that will result in immediate copmliance with theatre rules, a couple of bloody lumps that resemble people is all it will take.
2. Personal fragrances. If we could all have our own home theatres we would, but until that day we all get to sit in close quarters with one another, nice an cosy. If you havent seen a shower in a long time, if you have just finished running a marathon, if you prefer to bathe in perfume or colonge (if you no longer posess the sense of smell, my condolences) or if youre just straight up gassy dont take it out on us, refrain from the theatre until you can get these problems fixed. Its important to note that some people take a date to the movies, I understand. If your natural odor is so repugnant that you have to cover it up with some K-Mart perfume, see a doctor (how do I know its K-Mart perfume? Simple powers of deduction, you have sprayed so much on its bothering me from five seats away, im guessing youre not uber rich otherwise you would be more frugal with your 600 dollar fragrance, therefore you must buy in bulk). So heres a little test, have your date stand several paces in front of you, continue to get closer to eachother, ask your date to notify you when the can smell you, unless your noses are touching you have put way to much on! Finish by having your date uppercut your genitals, remember to follow though for maximum effect.
3. Parents, this ones for you. Unless youre headed to watch the cinematic adventures of the wornderfully talented Hannah Montana (seriously?) your kids should be nowhere near a theatre. You are raising another generation of assholes. When ordering, your gaggle of little you's should have their snack request written on a peice of paper to hand to the food merchant, no talking, poll taking or family deliberations need take place. When there is a line up behind you and your chidren are indecisive, step out of the line, you cant corrral your spawn long enough to elicit a simple answer let everyone else go ahead of you. Just another of the many sacrifices youlll have to stomach because you were too drunk to care to use a contraceptive. As soon as you enter your local cineplex no sounds should escape your kids, additionally flailing will not ve tolerated (animal sedatives work greatt in these stuations).
4. Quiet discussion during the opening trailers is permitted, however, once the reminder to slience your phones is displayed any noise emitting from any of your holes should also be silenced. Any further discussion should be in an almost inaudible whisper. I am not completly against conversation. If you absolutly must share your inane thoughts with others around you or catch your slow-witted companion who has somehow lost the story even though it is 30 feet tall in front of them, here is a handy guide to inform you whether or not you are talking too much organized in a handy genre/maximum number of occurances through the duration of the film;
Drama/3 comments
Comedies/5 comments
Action/6 comments
Action-Comedy/7 comments
Horror/talk all you want, chances are you wont miss much story.
Sci-Fi/2 comments
Romantic-Comedy/NA (you should be making out instead of watching, thats why you paid 30 bucks to take her to the movies anyway)
Ewe Boll film/ consider suicide, you lack good judgement
There you have it.
5. This one is for theatre management. I can afford your extortion money to see a movie in your venue, I will even kindly request to pay way to much for your nasty kiln dried popcorn and other treats. When the average cost of a night at the movies reaches past 15 dollars per person I can only logically expect that I will receive efficient and speedy service. When the eyes of the lone poor pimply kid working the till get as big as tennis balls as he watches the line before him grow, knowing full well the wrath he will suffer due to angry guests, you'll know something is wrong. Get your lumpy, cheap suit wearing ass down from your tower, find some humility and service us, or hire his brother. When you come down on your prices, I'll come down on my expectations. Your overheads are astronomical. Average theatre chains, Cineplex Odeon for instance, make a total profit of 78 million in just three months! Show us how much you appreciate us and hire a few more popcorn jockeys so we don't feel so much like were being screwed from both ends.
Now I could go on, but I won't, this give a general coverage of the most infuriating behaviours that we endure in the theatre. Think about it for a moment, some of us out there love a good movie, a good film makes us care about the characters, takes us to an amazing place, completely consumes our consciousness. Its why we watch movies in the dark. They are just better that way. So whether you're ignorant, slow or straight up retarded (in which case its not your fault, your handler shouldn't take you to the show). Show respect towards the others around you who just want a little escapism for a while, you may not care but we do! Make nice at the movies or we will be forced to take up our armrests and keep swinging until the blood stops coming out.
Yours truly,
The Militant Moviegoer
Somthing atrocious has happened to a bastion of sanity in our world. It is being defiled, sodomized if you will. This wonderful place was once a weekly, bi-weekly for some, chance to escape all the war, famine, relationship problems and guatemalan mob enforcers that we all face. However the "terrorists" are getting us there too. By terrorists I of course mean the ignorant savages that dont give a shit about the unwitten rules for cinema goers. What the hell happened? Things slowly slipped away from us until we arrive where we are today. Somthing has to be done! So here it is, for the movie gods and everyone everywhere, the rules are being written. Pay very close attenttion, especially the idiots, I know youre a little slow on the uptake.
1. This should go without saying, CELLPHONES! You dumb sons-of-whores, they put the great big notice, the polite reminder that we dont need to know wether or not youre popular, we dont give a rats ass! No exceptions, "I have to leave it on for emergencies", if your existence involves emergencies so often you cant turn off your phone for an hour and a half then you shouldnt be at a friggin movie! Honestly, I believe that the instant sombodys cell phone rings they can pause the movie (theatres are slowly switching over to digital so it will soon be possible in every theatre) so we can all take our detachable hardened plastic armrests in hand and beat the living crap out of the callee and we will not stop until he/she is unconsious and has a six thousand dollar hospital bill to look forward to in the immediate future. I will guarantee this is a solid plan of action that will result in immediate copmliance with theatre rules, a couple of bloody lumps that resemble people is all it will take.
2. Personal fragrances. If we could all have our own home theatres we would, but until that day we all get to sit in close quarters with one another, nice an cosy. If you havent seen a shower in a long time, if you have just finished running a marathon, if you prefer to bathe in perfume or colonge (if you no longer posess the sense of smell, my condolences) or if youre just straight up gassy dont take it out on us, refrain from the theatre until you can get these problems fixed. Its important to note that some people take a date to the movies, I understand. If your natural odor is so repugnant that you have to cover it up with some K-Mart perfume, see a doctor (how do I know its K-Mart perfume? Simple powers of deduction, you have sprayed so much on its bothering me from five seats away, im guessing youre not uber rich otherwise you would be more frugal with your 600 dollar fragrance, therefore you must buy in bulk). So heres a little test, have your date stand several paces in front of you, continue to get closer to eachother, ask your date to notify you when the can smell you, unless your noses are touching you have put way to much on! Finish by having your date uppercut your genitals, remember to follow though for maximum effect.
3. Parents, this ones for you. Unless youre headed to watch the cinematic adventures of the wornderfully talented Hannah Montana (seriously?) your kids should be nowhere near a theatre. You are raising another generation of assholes. When ordering, your gaggle of little you's should have their snack request written on a peice of paper to hand to the food merchant, no talking, poll taking or family deliberations need take place. When there is a line up behind you and your chidren are indecisive, step out of the line, you cant corrral your spawn long enough to elicit a simple answer let everyone else go ahead of you. Just another of the many sacrifices youlll have to stomach because you were too drunk to care to use a contraceptive. As soon as you enter your local cineplex no sounds should escape your kids, additionally flailing will not ve tolerated (animal sedatives work greatt in these stuations).
4. Quiet discussion during the opening trailers is permitted, however, once the reminder to slience your phones is displayed any noise emitting from any of your holes should also be silenced. Any further discussion should be in an almost inaudible whisper. I am not completly against conversation. If you absolutly must share your inane thoughts with others around you or catch your slow-witted companion who has somehow lost the story even though it is 30 feet tall in front of them, here is a handy guide to inform you whether or not you are talking too much organized in a handy genre/maximum number of occurances through the duration of the film;
Drama/3 comments
Comedies/5 comments
Action/6 comments
Action-Comedy/7 comments
Horror/talk all you want, chances are you wont miss much story.
Sci-Fi/2 comments
Romantic-Comedy/NA (you should be making out instead of watching, thats why you paid 30 bucks to take her to the movies anyway)
Ewe Boll film/ consider suicide, you lack good judgement
There you have it.
5. This one is for theatre management. I can afford your extortion money to see a movie in your venue, I will even kindly request to pay way to much for your nasty kiln dried popcorn and other treats. When the average cost of a night at the movies reaches past 15 dollars per person I can only logically expect that I will receive efficient and speedy service. When the eyes of the lone poor pimply kid working the till get as big as tennis balls as he watches the line before him grow, knowing full well the wrath he will suffer due to angry guests, you'll know something is wrong. Get your lumpy, cheap suit wearing ass down from your tower, find some humility and service us, or hire his brother. When you come down on your prices, I'll come down on my expectations. Your overheads are astronomical. Average theatre chains, Cineplex Odeon for instance, make a total profit of 78 million in just three months! Show us how much you appreciate us and hire a few more popcorn jockeys so we don't feel so much like were being screwed from both ends.
Now I could go on, but I won't, this give a general coverage of the most infuriating behaviours that we endure in the theatre. Think about it for a moment, some of us out there love a good movie, a good film makes us care about the characters, takes us to an amazing place, completely consumes our consciousness. Its why we watch movies in the dark. They are just better that way. So whether you're ignorant, slow or straight up retarded (in which case its not your fault, your handler shouldn't take you to the show). Show respect towards the others around you who just want a little escapism for a while, you may not care but we do! Make nice at the movies or we will be forced to take up our armrests and keep swinging until the blood stops coming out.
Yours truly,
The Militant Moviegoer
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We're definitely gonna get a photo together, mmkay?