bambie_____

Well, things have been kinda on a downward spiral for me today. . first I drove home from Holly's on the beltway in rush hour. . no fun at all. . then I had to rush and get alot of shit done before class. . took my car to get emissions inspected before class. . it failed. . money that I don't have to shell out either to fix it. . class was fine. . saw my grades from last semester. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am disgusted with myself. I cannot believe that my grades were that low! I don't know what I did, well I do but I'm still kinda lying to myself about that. .

Needless to say, my parents flipped out, and they were right to. I feel the same way about what I did (actually what I didn't do) as they do. They told me that if I don't blow this chemistry class out of the water this summer that they aren't paying for my school any more and that I have to move out unless I can pay rent. What's sad to me is that I am in complete agreement with them on that. I know that I won't have any problems with this chem class but next semester, if any one wants to see me they have to come to me, otherwise my nose will be in my textbooks (another down side to my day, paid $120 for the chem book I'll only be using for 7 more weeks) They (my parents) told me that they will not pay for my books next semester because I have wasted what they did pay for so far (again, I agree) and I think that to truly appreciate what I'm doing, I need to be shelling out the money, other wise I kinda feel like it's just a gift that I don't really want. If I pay for it myself I can't fail because I'd be wasting my own money, which otherwise could be put towards a car of my own etc.

I won't be driving to get Holly again for a while just because the gas is way more than I can really afford. Plus my balance is due by Aug 1 for next semester. . . I'm in a hole but I will get myself out, there just is no other option, I can't throw in the towel now and have just wasted thousands of dollars of my parents money. . . I'd feel like the biggest piece of shit to have ever walked on this planet. I do now. . .

I may not be on for a while, just needed to put out how I feel about my own failure (I didn't fail any classes though, but my GPA is entirely unacceptable)

Hope every body is well. . .