Why is it when it rains....it fucking pours?
4-11-05
1. So heres the situation I am in... Found out that my father has cancer. And it's bad! My grandma called me last night and told me that I should move down there to help him cause he doesnt have anyone and needs help. (Well he has his wife, but she is not working, nor does she drive and he will need someone to take him to the doctors and help him with bills since he wont be working as much...) My mother wants me to go down there as well. What do i do? <---yes thats stupid and selfish for me to say that. I should be on the first plane down there. I know. But am I just suppose to leave here... quit a good paying job, leave my roommate with the bills (when i know she needs help), and leave the rest of my family, and the people I care about. Leave Eden? My dad might not be around forever. And I should take a few years (if at that) out of your life to help him cause i know I will regret it if I dont go. I have nothing but a flood of emotions running through my veins... Loneliness, Chaos, Weakness..... I just have this need to curse at god... I hate him so much right now. Mind you I knew the time would come where I would realize that my mommy and daddy wont be here... but why so soon? Why now? Life seems so abstract, so formidable and overwhelming and I feel so numb. Im completely petrified. Breathing has become an obstacle... I sit here gasping for air. Gasping for my ribs to collapse and puncture my heart so I can stop feeling.... I feel as though I am at the peak of my exhistance ready to fall. I have never felt this void before. And I hate myself so much right now. I have tooken my father for granted. Fuck I havent been down there to visit him in almost 3yrs. Im a horrible person and it makes me sick to my stomache. I am such a dissappointment to myself and my family. AHHHHHHH!
I am left here lingering................... and it hurts so much!
2. "TIME DOES NOT HEAL, IT MAKES A HALF-STICHED SCAR. THAT CAN BE BROKEN AND AGAIN YOU FEEL GREIF AS TOTAL AS IN ITS FIRST HOUR!"
UPDATE FOR SUNDAY 4-10-05
-THIS IS ME THIS MORNIN....
-Friday night was ok....
Anna forgot to charge the camera before we left...
of my to do list these are the things I ended up doing:
1.Falling down... the fucking floor at chevys was slippery!
2.Pukeing... the fucking food at chevys. YUCK!
3.Dancing, but not my lil toosh off! Just enough to get a cramp in my leg!
4.Play hide n seek... but not with drinks with the girls. (We all got lost going to the bars!)
5.SMOKE ALOT. But not the whole box!
6.Pass out with almost all my clothes on on our couch!
-OMG... MY FUCKING MOTHER IS SO GORGOUS!!!!
ARRRRR!! 
-So my truck is official dead!!!! The funeral will be held at....
hahaha. No for reals, the clutch gave in yesterday. It's going to get fixed this Tuesday, then I am going to buy a stereo... then it is "GOODBYE" truck. Now, I have had that truck since I was about 16. So it will be hard. But it has just been giving me so much trouble in the past yr.
-YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I get to see my Eden today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!! IT'S A FUCKING FRIDAY
20.....
1.Sorry no nudies this mornin......
-----well at least im showing some tummy!
2.WTF????? 2 days ago it was 70 something degrees.... today? FUCKING SNOWING..... ahahhhhh i hate this freakin' weather
3.Celi is not driving her truck Something is wrong... god this is the time i wish i was fucking a mechanic... <-----DIRTY LITTLE WHORE!
4.Im going to eat a p.b. and banana sandwich for dinner!!! YAY i p.b!!
5.Aye... so last night, my friend James invited me to a bar (wont say the name) to get some drinks, and i was kinda hesitant... why? Well one of the owners happens to be Edens Ex..... So she doesnt fancy me much.
But i went for a little while. Didnt go the bar at all (she was serving) so had my friend get the drinks. She saw me and gave me one of those stares..... Nothing bad. But i know i wont be going there anymore!!!!
6.Going out tonight with some girls.... PROMISE i'll take pics. Cause one of the chicas is getting married next week. WOOHOOOOOOO Did someone say LAPDANCE?
7.Mother insists that Im going to hell cuz i make her mad by getting more tatts.....
I told her "ma, i was already going but i guess i just got moved to the front of the line huh?"
8.So i havent heard it yet, but i did a voice over for a commercial for Edens Store.... I had to do it with an italian accent.... If your local, let me know if you hear it. It should be on during the morn. and evening news on Channel 4. hehehehe. And if you guys want autographs please send 100$ to.... HAHAHAHAHA J/K.
9.I need another job.....
10.Eden threw out the idea of me doing my set in his showroom.... Sierra Cabinets?????
11.I think im back to drinkin' Salty Doggs!!!
12."So Mrs. Jensen, Do you think you can spot the bug that assulted your dogs butt?"
13.God, it seems like everyone is on FUCKING MYSPACE....
14.Im hoping my ma helps me out... i think im buying an oldsmobile (from either the 60's/70's i didnt check...) for 6g's..... wish me luck!!!
15.Godddddd! Now that the weather is going to get nicer... Were open until 9pm.... I hate getting out that late.. I will miss all the DINNERS i could get invited to...
16.I MISS EDEN.... I wont be able to see Eden til' Sunday night... He has this House Show thing to do all weekend. And will be super busy and exhausted... So i'm making him a nice Dinner Sunday night, while we hang out and watch "The Contender".....
17.TO DO LIST FOR TONIGHT:
-GET REALLY DRUNK
-MOLEST A FRIEND/OR MAKE OUT WITH ONE....
-MAKE SOME DRUNK PHONE CALLS (perhaps to Eden... which i shouldnt cause he'll be sleeping... i'll just text him then )
-dance my little tooshy off
-fall down on my ass a bunch of times
-PUKE SO I CAN CONTINUE DRINKING SOMEMORE....
-"TRIPPLE DOGGIE DARE" my friends to do ridicules and humilating things...
-smoke a whole box of ciggs...
-play hide and seek with peoples drinks...
-loose something....
-if I see alex... give her a piece of my FUCKING mind!!!
-CRY with anna and let her know how much i love her and miss her when she's sleeping!!!
-pass out with all my clothes on on my living room floor
18.I dont know why i thought of my ex. just right now. Could it be cause i was looking at pic he took...
19.LIFE IS GOOD........
AND LAST OF ALL.....
20.I took this from my girls blog on myspace and added
21 REASONS WHY A I SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT
1. When I have absolutely no idea where MY purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOOHOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even
though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher!
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down
on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.
21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO TRUE....
CIAO ALL AND HAVE A SAFE AND WONDERFUL WEEKEND!
4-11-05
1. So heres the situation I am in... Found out that my father has cancer. And it's bad! My grandma called me last night and told me that I should move down there to help him cause he doesnt have anyone and needs help. (Well he has his wife, but she is not working, nor does she drive and he will need someone to take him to the doctors and help him with bills since he wont be working as much...) My mother wants me to go down there as well. What do i do? <---yes thats stupid and selfish for me to say that. I should be on the first plane down there. I know. But am I just suppose to leave here... quit a good paying job, leave my roommate with the bills (when i know she needs help), and leave the rest of my family, and the people I care about. Leave Eden? My dad might not be around forever. And I should take a few years (if at that) out of your life to help him cause i know I will regret it if I dont go. I have nothing but a flood of emotions running through my veins... Loneliness, Chaos, Weakness..... I just have this need to curse at god... I hate him so much right now. Mind you I knew the time would come where I would realize that my mommy and daddy wont be here... but why so soon? Why now? Life seems so abstract, so formidable and overwhelming and I feel so numb. Im completely petrified. Breathing has become an obstacle... I sit here gasping for air. Gasping for my ribs to collapse and puncture my heart so I can stop feeling.... I feel as though I am at the peak of my exhistance ready to fall. I have never felt this void before. And I hate myself so much right now. I have tooken my father for granted. Fuck I havent been down there to visit him in almost 3yrs. Im a horrible person and it makes me sick to my stomache. I am such a dissappointment to myself and my family. AHHHHHHH!
I am left here lingering................... and it hurts so much!
2. "TIME DOES NOT HEAL, IT MAKES A HALF-STICHED SCAR. THAT CAN BE BROKEN AND AGAIN YOU FEEL GREIF AS TOTAL AS IN ITS FIRST HOUR!"
UPDATE FOR SUNDAY 4-10-05
-THIS IS ME THIS MORNIN....
-Friday night was ok....
Anna forgot to charge the camera before we left...
of my to do list these are the things I ended up doing:
1.Falling down... the fucking floor at chevys was slippery!
2.Pukeing... the fucking food at chevys. YUCK!
3.Dancing, but not my lil toosh off! Just enough to get a cramp in my leg!
4.Play hide n seek... but not with drinks with the girls. (We all got lost going to the bars!)
5.SMOKE ALOT. But not the whole box!
6.Pass out with almost all my clothes on on our couch!
-OMG... MY FUCKING MOTHER IS SO GORGOUS!!!!
ARRRRR!!
-So my truck is official dead!!!! The funeral will be held at....
hahaha. No for reals, the clutch gave in yesterday. It's going to get fixed this Tuesday, then I am going to buy a stereo... then it is "GOODBYE" truck. Now, I have had that truck since I was about 16. So it will be hard. But it has just been giving me so much trouble in the past yr.
-YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I get to see my Eden today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!! IT'S A FUCKING FRIDAY
20.....
1.Sorry no nudies this mornin......
-----well at least im showing some tummy!
2.WTF????? 2 days ago it was 70 something degrees.... today? FUCKING SNOWING..... ahahhhhh i hate this freakin' weather
3.Celi is not driving her truck
Something is wrong... god this is the time i wish i was fucking a mechanic... <-----DIRTY LITTLE WHORE!
4.Im going to eat a p.b. and banana sandwich for dinner!!! YAY i
p.b!!
5.Aye... so last night, my friend James invited me to a bar (wont say the name) to get some drinks, and i was kinda hesitant... why? Well one of the owners happens to be Edens Ex..... So she doesnt fancy me much.
But i went for a little while. Didnt go the bar at all (she was serving) so had my friend get the drinks. She saw me and gave me one of those stares..... Nothing bad. But i know i wont be going there anymore!!!!
6.Going out tonight with some girls.... PROMISE i'll take pics. Cause one of the chicas is getting married next week. WOOHOOOOOOO Did someone say LAPDANCE?
7.Mother insists that Im going to hell cuz i make her mad by getting more tatts.....
I told her "ma, i was already going but i guess i just got moved to the front of the line huh?"
8.So i havent heard it yet, but i did a voice over for a commercial for Edens Store.... I had to do it with an italian accent.... If your local, let me know if you hear it. It should be on during the morn. and evening news on Channel 4. hehehehe. And if you guys want autographs please send 100$ to.... HAHAHAHAHA J/K.
9.I need another job.....
10.Eden threw out the idea of me doing my set in his showroom.... Sierra Cabinets?????
11.I think im back to drinkin' Salty Doggs!!!
12."So Mrs. Jensen, Do you think you can spot the bug that assulted your dogs butt?"
13.God, it seems like everyone is on FUCKING MYSPACE....
14.Im hoping my ma helps me out... i think im buying an oldsmobile (from either the 60's/70's i didnt check...) for 6g's..... wish me luck!!!
15.Godddddd! Now that the weather is going to get nicer... Were open until 9pm.... I hate getting out that late.. I will miss all the DINNERS i could get invited to...
16.I MISS EDEN.... I wont be able to see Eden til' Sunday night... He has this House Show thing to do all weekend. And will be super busy and exhausted... So i'm making him a nice Dinner Sunday night, while we hang out and watch "The Contender".....
17.TO DO LIST FOR TONIGHT:
-GET REALLY DRUNK
-MOLEST A FRIEND/OR MAKE OUT WITH ONE....
-MAKE SOME DRUNK PHONE CALLS (perhaps to Eden... which i shouldnt cause he'll be sleeping... i'll just text him then
)
-dance my little tooshy off
-fall down on my ass a bunch of times
-PUKE SO I CAN CONTINUE DRINKING SOMEMORE....
-"TRIPPLE DOGGIE DARE" my friends to do ridicules and humilating things...
-smoke a whole box of ciggs...
-play hide and seek with peoples drinks...
-loose something....
-if I see alex... give her a piece of my FUCKING mind!!!
-CRY with anna and let her know how much i love her and miss her when she's sleeping!!!
-pass out with all my clothes on on my living room floor
18.I dont know why i thought of my ex. just right now. Could it be cause i was looking at pic he took...
19.LIFE IS GOOD........
AND LAST OF ALL.....
20.I took this from my girls blog on myspace and added
21 REASONS WHY A I SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT
1. When I have absolutely no idea where MY purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOOHOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even
though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher!
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down
on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.
21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO TRUE....
CIAO ALL AND HAVE A SAFE AND WONDERFUL WEEKEND!
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
Again, I don't mean to sound cold... Good luck, kid.
PS
Say hi to your mom for me
How could I have forgotten Fraggel Rock?!