bakurebob

Today has been an outwardly uneventful day. To the naked eye it'd appear, that I merely cleaned up my living room and the Kitchen.

I know the truth. I did those small menial tasks that a home requires, without fanfare or fuss. While I did those things, I also came to grips with a few long overdue personal issues.

I thought about my divorce from eleven years ago. I really thought about how much it hurt, and why it hurt. I came to a few conclusions. They're quite personal I'm afraid, I won't be sharing them with everyone.. but if you absolutely have to know, or if you're experiencing the pain of a divorce, just contact me and I'll fill ya in.

What brought this soul searching on?

Change.

The same bastard/lover that always swings me down melancholy lane.

I'm in a new job that calls for more creative freedom than I've ever been allowed to use in a job. I'm the big boss.. I've recieved critical local art acclaim for a series of bowls submitted for judging. I have the downtown development authority bugging me to open my own gallery.. co-op style.. I've almost finished getting the money to rehab my house that's 96 years old..

man, so much is swimming around. So much potential... So why am I so scared? Why do I almost feel paralyzed with burning selfdoubt?

That was what took me back to my failed marriage and the loss of contact with my children. I put my finger on the nagging voice that's ridden shotgun on my shoulder. The same shoulder the proverbial little red devil should occupy.. The fictional pair .. the angel and devil battling it out on my shoulders.. Well, I've had a little exwife devil riding my shoulder for 11 years. And today I chose to evict that evil bitch. I refuse to listen to her harsh and unfair criticisms. I refuse to allow her vile mouth to drive me away from my children ever again.

I've contacted a lawyer to start the proceedings against her in court for illegially refusing to allow me court directed visitation with my children. She's had no other reason but spite. She has no legal grounds to keep me away. I've paid 740 dollars a month since 1993. That's 11 years .. or if you prefer to put it into a real figure.. $97,000 dollars..

anyhoo.. enough ranting. I'm a nice guy. I'm a calm guy. I'm a peaceful man. I'm determined to make the most of every day and second I spend on this spinning top..

So to the casual observer.. I did a few things today.. but inside my head I went back through time and brought a little something forward with me.. a sense of pride and purpose.. and that seems like a pretty fucking good day to me..