I am the worst. 
I am so horribly mean to Ed sometimes-- saying awful things just to see how far he lets me go. And so far he hasn't stopped me, so I just keep going. It's like I'm daring him to say something in defense of himself. Or like I'm trying to see what I can get away with before he breaks up with me. And even though that's not what I want at all, even though everything inside me tells me to stop the second I get started. I just can't make myself stop. 
As soon as I get it all out, I feel awful, but I'm no good at apologizing either. 
It's not even that what I say is untrue, or not how I feel. I could just say it all in a much nicer way. I don't trust him and I'm not sure when I'll be able to. And that's my fault, not his. I mean, it's his fault to begin with, but if I say I forgive him and I'm going to try to trust him, that definitely means that I shouldn't bring stuff up to throw in his face. And I guess even teasing him about "hunting sluts" and him being horny and unscrupulous isn't right. It's like I try to bring it up as a joke, busting his chops a little bit to show him that I haven't forgotten but it no longer threatens me so much, and then everything just spirals out of control. What starts as me teasing him becomes me accusing him of ridiculous things, like wanting to sleep with my friend Katie-- even though I know he thinks she's cheesy, slutty and dumber than salad. And I work myself up, getting simultaneously sad and furious.
Everything is so perfect otherwise, why must we be like this? Why can't he just be happy with one girl, and why can't I trust him when he says he's finished being like that, and seems like he finally is?
I am so horribly mean to Ed sometimes-- saying awful things just to see how far he lets me go. And so far he hasn't stopped me, so I just keep going. It's like I'm daring him to say something in defense of himself. Or like I'm trying to see what I can get away with before he breaks up with me. And even though that's not what I want at all, even though everything inside me tells me to stop the second I get started. I just can't make myself stop. As soon as I get it all out, I feel awful, but I'm no good at apologizing either.
It's not even that what I say is untrue, or not how I feel. I could just say it all in a much nicer way. I don't trust him and I'm not sure when I'll be able to. And that's my fault, not his. I mean, it's his fault to begin with, but if I say I forgive him and I'm going to try to trust him, that definitely means that I shouldn't bring stuff up to throw in his face. And I guess even teasing him about "hunting sluts" and him being horny and unscrupulous isn't right. It's like I try to bring it up as a joke, busting his chops a little bit to show him that I haven't forgotten but it no longer threatens me so much, and then everything just spirals out of control. What starts as me teasing him becomes me accusing him of ridiculous things, like wanting to sleep with my friend Katie-- even though I know he thinks she's cheesy, slutty and dumber than salad. And I work myself up, getting simultaneously sad and furious.
Everything is so perfect otherwise, why must we be like this? Why can't he just be happy with one girl, and why can't I trust him when he says he's finished being like that, and seems like he finally is?
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
instigator:
Sounds like a tough situation there. My ex used to do the same sort of thing to me. She caught me lying about looking at porn and from then on she wouldn't trust me at all. I don't think it was that bad, but she got seriously pissed. She kept bringing it up much like you say you do. After a while(like 2 years and she's still bringing it up), I just got so sick of it that I couldn't stand to be around her anymore. I just wanted to give you a guy's perspective. I hope it all works out for you.
suburbanslave:
Thats so weird - I did the same thing to tyler...I was such a bitch, but he would never stand up for himself or tell me to shut up so id keep going.