bairdduvessa

Stories are supposed to start with something like, Once Upon a Time. This is not one of those stories. Hell I dont even know if I believe in the concept of time. But that is irrelevant to the story.
You see, life has a way of throwing a monkey bar into the gears; the afterlifethe after life is just chaos.
It was a few years after my very own death that this story begins. At least I think it was a few years. Time is only a concept of the living I guess, but then again who is to say that I am not living, just because a guy is dead does not mean he cannot live right?
Im so fucking confused.
Anyway one day my boss, well boss is more of a sign of respect like I said before, chaos rules here; there are no real employments see?.
Anyway this guy, this guy asks me to deliver a message to a loved one. But Im not allowed to look at the note, to hear the tape-or however the message is to be given. You know it one of those deals. Only there is nothing for me in return, just the chance to do something useful.
So what if I look?: I asked.
You wont he said in that gravely voice of his. You dont want to know what will happen to you if you do.
I am already dead Boss, what more can happen?
Life and death are just cycles of pain. He said walking away.
Now to travel to the land of the living is no easy task, but I wont bore you with the details. It just takes a lot of courage, patients, a high tolerance of pain and some whiskey. Only I dont have any. But you know what? Ol Charly comes through every time.
To be alive again! Let me tell you, to feel what my body was probably only imagining to feel. It was heaven. The sun on my skin, warming it-it felt like a lovers embrace. Warm and full of Passion. The grass under foot-each blade feeling like fingers gently tracing the skin of my feet. The wind blowing my ears as if whispering something warm and embracing. The smells-ok the smells suck. I mean come on really? Why the fuck would the portal to the land of the living have to be so close to a sewage treatment plant? Thats when I got to feel something else I may not have felt in a while, and that would be the vomit pouring out of my freshly new body. Yup didnt miss that.
Ok so here I am, the land of the living. A map to the person I needed to deliver it to (that um we kind of skipped, I am not proud about what I had to do for the map, and I would thank you very much for not asking about it again
But first things first whiskey!.
After getting properly sloshed (this time not vomiting, ha take that life, er death-whatever! Im not going to vomit Im not going to-urk)

OK now that I remembered the proper parts of life, minus the sex (the blood still wasnt back to all my um extremities yet). I decided to follow through with my mission. King Street, here I come. Yup King Street. Um where the fuck is King Street!? Ok I portaled into the wrong town, but Im still good-all I have to do is just hitchhike three states over. And hell there have to be plenty of bars between here and there-and besides maybe my lil friend would get some plasma back and II could have a lil fun on my way!

Turns out I didnt have any money for either, but still that wont stop me, nope. And hell if it did Id might as well just died, again.

So after a few unrelated adventures, that we need not discuss (who would have known Id be a horrible President? I made it to King Street, the right one this time. With the message in hand I found the correct address (42 to be exact). And knocked patiently. Id like to lead you on and say that there was no answer, so I broke in and stole some scotch for my trip back, but it didnt happen that way. Instead the most beautiful brunette I had ever seen opened the door. She was defiantly of Mediterranean decent. Think dark brown hair, shoulder length and shiny. Her skins a lovely tan, almost olive in color. And eyes so deep and dark brown I could not keep my self from falling in. If my lil dead friend had ever started working since my return trip, this would have been the point it worked, but nope!
Yes she asked in a beautiful low alto, full of power and passion. It was like listening to Angels talk-if there were such things after all. They um kind of went extinct after the invention of the Holy Peep Show.
I tried to mangage a smoothe, sophisticated response, but all I got out was Ooh jab o coreenah, brrrr.

Sigh Im such a tool.

Um hi? she asked.

This time remembering that I was once human and not a (complete) fool, I managed to get out MessageYoufromMick

Mics dead

I know, and the postage to deliver this from the after life was quite expensive.

Um Ok she replied taking the package from me.
I was about to bid my adieu when she stopped me saying, that there was a message for me to stay and read it to her.

So I did. With barely a stutter. Unfortunately for her it was a long over due Dear Jane letter with a twist.

Dear Sally (it said), I know it must come as a shock to hear from me after all these years. I know it must have been difficult for you to get over me. I know we both thought our love to be eternal. I know that we could have worked out everything in the end given the time. But unfortunately I didnt make it. Dead in my sleep, while you slept soundly next to me. It was a tragedy. So I wanted to write to you and express my love for you again. And well I know I should. And I should probably mention that I would have waited for you. And then we could be happy for all eternity. But Im sorry, that will not happen. You see-you see I fell in love. And I think I have a chance with this girl. Weve already had a hundred year commitment ceremony. It was wonderful. Ive never felt so alive (if you can pardon the expression). And I am the happiest I have ever been. And I wanted to thank you. If it wasnt for you poisoning me and causing my early death I would have never met her. And well as much as I wanted to not invite you, your murderous bitch. My love wanted me to have you come to the ceremony so that you can see how happy we are.
Charly, kill the bitch and Ill buy you the next round at Beezlepub!-Signed Mic With Love and Kisses.

SO I did the job, as she pleaded with me in between sobs and promises of physical pleasure. Of course since Captain Binky didnt work, it did not good. To be fair I offed her in a nice way, with very little pain. I raided her alcohol chest and we drank until our deaths came.

This all happened once upon several times.
Your friend,
Charly