yesterday was the worst i've been in a long time. I got up and just felt miserable to to the ten hells, but still I got up an decided to get done what i needed to get done. So my mood improved even as I was waiting in line at the rmv (just to get to the info booth), when what I needed to get done there took all of 15 seconds my mood brightened, although I was still out o it.
Then by mid afternoon I was lethat again, and even more tired, and Ibegan to take out everything out on
batmanwsc for cancelling our plans, even though i really didn't mind.
for the next few hours I wanted to kill the world, devstate it then break it some more. I began to chant a peverted mantra against myself. How much I hate myself and others and how I wanted al my pain and suffering to go to them and ruin them.
But just as things were spiraling to the point o fno return my steo mother asked if I could stay and give ou tcandy at her house, I was for the next several hours a new person, I was happy cheerful and god damnit I was looking foward to the day, life as good. I loved giving out candy and seeing the kids in costumes it was wonderful.
Then 8 hit and the trick or treaters were done, I hung at my dad's for a hlf hour but bolted as soon as I could feel myself turning some more. The whole 5 minute ride home all I felt was self hatred for not having more friensd, for not knowing more people on the cape and hanging out with them. Halloween means so much to me, and yet here I was angry and alone.
Being at my apartment didn't help, whatching Ghost Hunters on sci0-fi would distract me from everything I was feeling, but I knew it was still there-lurking like it was mr jekyl waiting for hs next kill..how I could feel the self hatred boil in my veins.
It came back full force quickly, and just as quickly it subsided again. I chatted om AIM for a bit laughing with friends the best way I know how, but by 1am I began to think about death, and dieing and how no one would notice/care, and that I am all alone and always will be...eventhough it is my choice to be so, it is still what i choose.
If not for Llij, I don't know what I would have done. I'm no cutter, in fact I can't stand them, but I was so so close last night-but Llij saved me.
Its been 5 years since we broke up, 5 years since I ended what I knew would be my last chance at love-and to this day she is the only one who can make the pain go away. She is the release that channels all my nagativity. Please don't get me wrong this isn't some pent up emotions, left over feelings...its just that she is my best friend, and for some reason just hearing her voice seems to just wash out everything negative from me...it makes me sane.
And I honestly don't know what I will do when she inetivily(sp) goes away just like everybody else I have ever loved (the fact she hasn't yet astounds me)
I don't know how long we talked, or really what about, but after we were done I felt so calm that I was able to take a nap and just relax.
I woke up today niether in a good place nor bad. I still hate myself for not being able to go out and meet new people, to make friends, to chill etc; but the thoughts that were making me ill are gone
I specifically remember the PANEL when Angel got his wings back. He simply molted the metal wings off while kneeling in front of Apocalypse's follower, Ozymandias. no real rhyme or reason for why it happened, only that the transformation was a process & the molting of the metal wings was the next step or something. which doesn't make any damn sense to me. He could shoot friggin poison feathers! now he can't do jack! IF I remember correctly, which I might not, he got his wings back just before the "The Twelve" storyline where Wolverine got his adamantium back & became the horseman Death and the Hulk became War. I think.
What's Angel's second mutation? Did he become a healer or something? I don't even read X-Men anymore except for Astonishing X-Men, which comes out once every FOUR damn months or something. at least that's how it feels.
Y'know, I didn't mind Grant Morrison's (and Frank Quitely. yeah baby) take on X-Men. I remember the art and story just blowing me away. I wasn't a big fan of the Weapon Plus thing or the incomprehensible storyline at the end of Morrison's run about how it's 150 years in the future yet Wolverine, Beast, the Cuckoos, and I think a couple others were still alive. He shook shit up. but yeah, that doesn't mean I dug everything he did.
what's he done?