So, I supose the point of blogging for me is to bleed excess emotion. Not that anybody ever sees it. I suppose it is like leaving a suicide note. It is an effort to tidy up things (probably after the fact).knowing that nobody really gives a shit.
So here we go...
I have been fortunate to fall in love 4 times in my life. Each time the end has hurt ( the first time sucked, the second really sucked, the third was not quite as bad as the second, but this one has been like all of them combined) and now that I think of it each time she chose to end things. Well, technically this last time I said the words that we were breaking up, but since that was a week after she moved out (after living together for more than 5 years), I think I can still justify feeling that she made the decision to end things. It is a point, however, that she does not recognize and insists that i broke up with her.
So, my most recent ex is killing me bit by bit. Part of it is my fault. I hired her to work for me out of convenience for us both. She knew the work and needed a part time job, and I need an employee. Actually, working with her is one of the few times that I don't want to hurt myself until after I see her.
In almost everything I do, I end up thinking about her as something triggers a memory. Thinking about her, I can't sleep and sleep deprivation is definitley affecting my health (not to mention my driving). Knowing that she has entered into a relationship that is not healthy physically makes me wonder what kind of jerk I must be to have her new partner be an improvement. Even though I know that he isn't (either a jerk or an improvement) and that she is instead falling back into her pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships. In the past though, the relationships were emotionally unhealthy, this one is physically unhealthy and I only suspect emotionally unhealthy.
I am sure that there are people who will look at the pictures I have posted of her and think that I was bad for her as well. That I did things to her that were physically harmful. I never did anything that would cause any permanent physical injury (even though that would have pleased her) and did far less to her than she wished for I am not much of a sadist.and she is most definitely a masochist. Her new partner is much more sadistic, he cuts her and she then plays with the cuts because she thinks it is ...I don't know what, cool, intriging, a remider, something. The cuts are scarring and I am worried that they will move on to more and more severe things (actually, I suspect they have but that she won't tell me becuase of how I reacted to seeing the scars). It is her pattern. She also has a history of S.I.B. involving cutting.
The last time I saw her, just before I left, she told me I "looked good". it was awful. She looked like shit (not literally, she is beautiful to me) I could tell she is not looking after herself and that he isn't looking after her either. She looked unhealthy and I couldn't find a way to tell her (and not for lack of trying, I had been trying to find a tactful way of expressing concern the whole time we were together for lunch and I couldn't voice it in a way that wouldn't sound like an attack). By the end of my visit we both were in tears and feeling like we had screwed the other over to the point that I cut my visit short by about 2 hours rather than extend that pain for each of us. It ahs only been worse for the last week and a half since I saw her.
Well, thats it for now, it's after 5:30 am and I have a 16+hour workday today (about 8 of which will be with her) and another tomorrow. I should probably go stare at the bedroom wall from my bed for a bit in the hopes that I pass out.
So here we go...
I have been fortunate to fall in love 4 times in my life. Each time the end has hurt ( the first time sucked, the second really sucked, the third was not quite as bad as the second, but this one has been like all of them combined) and now that I think of it each time she chose to end things. Well, technically this last time I said the words that we were breaking up, but since that was a week after she moved out (after living together for more than 5 years), I think I can still justify feeling that she made the decision to end things. It is a point, however, that she does not recognize and insists that i broke up with her.
So, my most recent ex is killing me bit by bit. Part of it is my fault. I hired her to work for me out of convenience for us both. She knew the work and needed a part time job, and I need an employee. Actually, working with her is one of the few times that I don't want to hurt myself until after I see her.
In almost everything I do, I end up thinking about her as something triggers a memory. Thinking about her, I can't sleep and sleep deprivation is definitley affecting my health (not to mention my driving). Knowing that she has entered into a relationship that is not healthy physically makes me wonder what kind of jerk I must be to have her new partner be an improvement. Even though I know that he isn't (either a jerk or an improvement) and that she is instead falling back into her pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships. In the past though, the relationships were emotionally unhealthy, this one is physically unhealthy and I only suspect emotionally unhealthy.
I am sure that there are people who will look at the pictures I have posted of her and think that I was bad for her as well. That I did things to her that were physically harmful. I never did anything that would cause any permanent physical injury (even though that would have pleased her) and did far less to her than she wished for I am not much of a sadist.and she is most definitely a masochist. Her new partner is much more sadistic, he cuts her and she then plays with the cuts because she thinks it is ...I don't know what, cool, intriging, a remider, something. The cuts are scarring and I am worried that they will move on to more and more severe things (actually, I suspect they have but that she won't tell me becuase of how I reacted to seeing the scars). It is her pattern. She also has a history of S.I.B. involving cutting.
The last time I saw her, just before I left, she told me I "looked good". it was awful. She looked like shit (not literally, she is beautiful to me) I could tell she is not looking after herself and that he isn't looking after her either. She looked unhealthy and I couldn't find a way to tell her (and not for lack of trying, I had been trying to find a tactful way of expressing concern the whole time we were together for lunch and I couldn't voice it in a way that wouldn't sound like an attack). By the end of my visit we both were in tears and feeling like we had screwed the other over to the point that I cut my visit short by about 2 hours rather than extend that pain for each of us. It ahs only been worse for the last week and a half since I saw her.
Well, thats it for now, it's after 5:30 am and I have a 16+hour workday today (about 8 of which will be with her) and another tomorrow. I should probably go stare at the bedroom wall from my bed for a bit in the hopes that I pass out.