b1gfatho

Yeah it's been a while since I posted anything, but you know, we all have our busy moments in life.

Technically, as of 10 minutes ago there was nothing new or noteworthy enough in my life to be blogged about so I'll admit I didn't take the extra effort to write something here.

That was 10 minutes ago.

I'm sorry if I offend anybody in this following post but I do need to speak my mind, and if I can't do it here, then you know, wow.

There was this girl I dug quite a bit, probably about a year ago. At the time I really thought she was just the most amazing person I'd ever met. She was funny, and whip smart and just so many things that I found unbelievably wonderful. We talked every night, and this girl just, completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. I would stay up till 5 or 6 in the morning every night talking to her. I thought she was just, forgive the old colloquialism but, she was just the bee's knees.

Eventually, as is the case with all things, problems had arisen. Before we get to that though let me explain to you what every single nice guy who women won't give the time of day to's fantasy. It was something I thought about and would have loved to have happened, but now I've learned that it's really just fucking stupidity and ignorance on our part. To all guys like me, guys who really care more about the date than anything that should happen after. Guys who are so taken aback by women that we can't seem to remember basic sentence structures when attempting to talk to them. To us, we have this stupid bullshit fantasy that we would meet a girl, who was embittered and angry with the world, or with their relationships, and has given up on people in general. And we would meet them and show them that everyone isn't a total jack off prick.

It is definitely a stupid fucking fantasy, cause as I learned the hard way, and this is one of those things where men see things one way and women see them another. If we were to meet a girl who is like the above, we want to help them. We are willing to go completely out of our way to do just about anything to put a smile on their face and restore some sort of hope in humanity. That's not how they see it, they see it as us showing how great we are by solving their problems for them. They don't want the help, they don't want anyone solving their problems. And I respect that, but back then, I was oh so fucking stupid.

See she had, a big fucking batch of personal problems, which I will obviously not talk to you about here. And I truly wanted to help. But every time I tried to talk to her, or invite her to get a coffee, she took them two ways. The first was she was insulted that I would offer to help her. The second is that she took them as me hitting on her.

Now look, I'll speak the truth, as a male who has never had a real relationship with a woman, the idea that when I meet someone it might grow into something more is never far from my mind. But not everything spoken by a guy is an attempt to get into someone's pants. Frankly it's annoying for me to have to put up with this stereotype. Anyway that was definitely a big problem for us as I always wanted to help and she never wanted it.

That was a big one but the biggest issue that occurred was one of her friends dying in Afghanistan. Now even I was not guy stupid enough shove myself into this situation. I offered a listening ear if she wanted it but told her I would give her all the space she needed. And I was true to that. We went from talking every night to not talking for about 2 months.

When she finally felt up to it she gave me a call and we slowly started rebuilding our friendship. But eventually, all those old problems came rushing back. I thought we'd be okay through it, but it kept getting worse, until she told me one single sentence that let me know it had to end.

I had given up lots of time with this girl. A lot of this time was simply spent enjoying her company, but a lot was also spent listening and trying to help her in any way I can. I had completely fucked up my sleep schedule, and as a side effect my schooling, my relationship to my parents, and my work. Now I never complained about any of this, these were things I chose to allow to happen so I could spend time with her. Then she tells me, "There are a lot of things I hate about myself, but until I have absolutely no choice, I'm not going to change."

That summed it all up to me. In that moment I realized that even though I had fallen for this girl to a certain extent, I couldn't spend any more time with her. People say life is a series of moments, and our moment together had come to a close. That or I could have held onto some pitiful hope, despite knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I was doing nothing more than fucking myself over.

And so it ended and that was that... until 10 minutes ago. Well actually more like half an hour ago but you get the point.

Way back when we were talking everyday I had followed, or subscribed or whatever to her blog. And after ending it I never undid that subscription. So I got an email telling me it was her birthday coming up. I laughed to myself for a second thinking back to that time and figured what the hell and clicked on the link to her blog. I glanced at the first entry, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised but everything seems to have gotten worse for her. Not only that but she is now pregnant with a child she doesn't want.

And for a second I wanted nothing more but to jump back into my old self and offer help, but I just can't fucking do that anymore. I tried once, and she didn't want it. I'm not gonna be that fucking guy who breaks his back and ultimately becomes nothing more than a footnote in the history of her life.

We all create the worlds we occupy. I am currently living in my personal hell because of stupid decisions I made when I was growing up, and I'll deal with it. As much as I want to make her hell go away, I can't, cause that's not what she wants. I guess there's no epilogue to me and her.