This little town is a succubus. Every day as I drive by the courthouse to get out of my house, another knife stabs me in the heart. Aggravation, such a vengeful bitch. If i wasn't so aggravated I would still have everything.
Self realization comes so swiftly, like a ton of bricks falling from the 13th floor. Gathering speed, pushing the air, creating wind, lands with a loud crash so intense my ear drums explode.
I'm seeing colors more intensely, smelling the slightest pungent odor from miles away, hearing birds chirp from space, feeling pain in people's hearts with my entire body. When I speak there is an echo, only it's not imagined this time. My voice echoes through 3 hollow rooms. 3 small boxes just as empty as my heart. There are a few things here, but not many.
I have food, so why am i starving? I am a vegetarian, so why do i crave blood? I am forever and always intimidating to most people I meet. I need to lower my demeanor. How? The wall I have been building around my heart was once made of mud. Now it stands to the sky and is constructed of the hardest carbide. I didn't want this for myself. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Friends, splishy-splashy and always moving. My best friend is gone forever. The same road that leads to my doorstep is the road he is taking to escape from me. All of the roads are connected. They all go different ways, leading to everyone's own individual escape.In the end though, they are all the same. It's strange to think about it. I could draw a continuous line for 3,000 miles with chaulk on the road. When I close my eyes I see "stripe dot stripe dot stripe dot..." until the end of time. The road is so reliable, such a good friend. It always listens, never complains, and helps you get where you need to go in life. There are potholes along the way, construction, but it always stays strong, being repaired by people who care for it. I wish life was like the road. Normal life. Is there such a thing? Supposedly, i'm trying that out now, I have an apartment in Tennessee, I'm trying to find a job (impossible!) and "make something of my life." My only question now is, "Why does making something of my life mean to do the exact opposite of what I love, what I want to do?" Doesn't what I have to say mean anything at all? Happiness, being normal, these things should be in the eye of the beholder. My happiness is spontaneity, never knowing what's happening next.
Following the spaghetti bowl of these roads and tracks to a new tomorrow, a new place to wake up. Put my bus window down above my bed and awaken to a new beautiful place every day. Living with all of my best friends. Doing newspaper and radio interviews. Helping people who are hungry. Standing up to the police. If I don't do these things who the fuck is going to????? I know the answer to that. So do you.
Is it so hard for me to meet people because they are so scared of reality, that when they see me it is shocking to them? Unbelievable? Do these people just want to turn the other way and not look because if they do they might have to realize they are living a lie? It feels like that. A LOT. Everyday. I struggle so much in this apartment because I know it is not real. This is a facade. This is not me. Happy little home maker going to work and be a wage slave because I was told to do so. I am having such a difficult time here. I feel like when i walk around without my bus, when I go to the store, people look at me differently. Without my bus, I am not myself. People can't see what I am really about. I am so close to just saying fuck all this shit, picking up Dorothy, (the bus) and going back on the road. My babies need me but this is so difficult and fake. Doing these things to get them back is wrong to me. Why should I show them to do what you are told, not to follow your heart. I don't want to teach them that. I want my kids to know to do what you believe is right in all situations, never back down, be strong, to FIGHT all the wrong in this world with all the strength they can muster.
I guess I explained why to myself. I need to do this, to get them back, so I can teach them what I know. This is just so difficult and painful. The heaviest weight to carry in life is a broken heart. It's like I'm wearing lead shoes.
Self realization comes so swiftly, like a ton of bricks falling from the 13th floor. Gathering speed, pushing the air, creating wind, lands with a loud crash so intense my ear drums explode.
I'm seeing colors more intensely, smelling the slightest pungent odor from miles away, hearing birds chirp from space, feeling pain in people's hearts with my entire body. When I speak there is an echo, only it's not imagined this time. My voice echoes through 3 hollow rooms. 3 small boxes just as empty as my heart. There are a few things here, but not many.
I have food, so why am i starving? I am a vegetarian, so why do i crave blood? I am forever and always intimidating to most people I meet. I need to lower my demeanor. How? The wall I have been building around my heart was once made of mud. Now it stands to the sky and is constructed of the hardest carbide. I didn't want this for myself. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Friends, splishy-splashy and always moving. My best friend is gone forever. The same road that leads to my doorstep is the road he is taking to escape from me. All of the roads are connected. They all go different ways, leading to everyone's own individual escape.In the end though, they are all the same. It's strange to think about it. I could draw a continuous line for 3,000 miles with chaulk on the road. When I close my eyes I see "stripe dot stripe dot stripe dot..." until the end of time. The road is so reliable, such a good friend. It always listens, never complains, and helps you get where you need to go in life. There are potholes along the way, construction, but it always stays strong, being repaired by people who care for it. I wish life was like the road. Normal life. Is there such a thing? Supposedly, i'm trying that out now, I have an apartment in Tennessee, I'm trying to find a job (impossible!) and "make something of my life." My only question now is, "Why does making something of my life mean to do the exact opposite of what I love, what I want to do?" Doesn't what I have to say mean anything at all? Happiness, being normal, these things should be in the eye of the beholder. My happiness is spontaneity, never knowing what's happening next.
Following the spaghetti bowl of these roads and tracks to a new tomorrow, a new place to wake up. Put my bus window down above my bed and awaken to a new beautiful place every day. Living with all of my best friends. Doing newspaper and radio interviews. Helping people who are hungry. Standing up to the police. If I don't do these things who the fuck is going to????? I know the answer to that. So do you.
Is it so hard for me to meet people because they are so scared of reality, that when they see me it is shocking to them? Unbelievable? Do these people just want to turn the other way and not look because if they do they might have to realize they are living a lie? It feels like that. A LOT. Everyday. I struggle so much in this apartment because I know it is not real. This is a facade. This is not me. Happy little home maker going to work and be a wage slave because I was told to do so. I am having such a difficult time here. I feel like when i walk around without my bus, when I go to the store, people look at me differently. Without my bus, I am not myself. People can't see what I am really about. I am so close to just saying fuck all this shit, picking up Dorothy, (the bus) and going back on the road. My babies need me but this is so difficult and fake. Doing these things to get them back is wrong to me. Why should I show them to do what you are told, not to follow your heart. I don't want to teach them that. I want my kids to know to do what you believe is right in all situations, never back down, be strong, to FIGHT all the wrong in this world with all the strength they can muster.
I guess I explained why to myself. I need to do this, to get them back, so I can teach them what I know. This is just so difficult and painful. The heaviest weight to carry in life is a broken heart. It's like I'm wearing lead shoes.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
jeffyjr:
Hang in there and don't give up.
jermhawk:
The burn of being hunkered down will fade. It will get easier. Think of it as sea legs. The rhythm of life is different having a set place. Think of your kids and your goal. You are you without the bus. I've seen you in action, leading and directing the feeding of thousands of people. This latest saga should come easy for you. Just going to take some time to adapt.