I just blasted through this the other day, in one sitting, and I thought I'd write down my thoughts.
I've been a fan of Top Gear for about 5 years now. I can't drive because of my disability, but I like seeing the top of the line cars, the speed, and of course, three middle aged men cocking it up spectacularly. Plenty of explosions, wrecks, and pranks to keep me entertained! Richard 'Hamster' Hammond, being a rural guy into big American muscle cars, and generally the one to do the most dangerous stunts, has been my favourite of the three. Doesn't hurt that the other two always pick on him, or that he's super adorable!
Before I started watching Top Gear, back in 2006, he crashed a jet powered rocket car at 300 mph. He was in a coma, sustained severe brain damage, but survived. I'd seen the interviews from back then, his first episode back, and was generally aware of what had happened. However, I was content for a while to just enjoy the show. As I've gotten older, I've started looking back on my life, rather than staring off into the distance, so I was curious about reading Hammond and his wife's story about this crash, as some of the things he's discussed over the years have mirrored some experiences of mine. Plus, I tend to become more obsessed with things over time, I finally have a bit of cash, and now seemed as good a time as any.
As I cracked open the first pages, Hammond describes what life was like growing up, and how his life always seemed aimed at being on Top Gear. It was nice to get a sense of who he really is, off-camera, before getting in to the meat of the story. He described struggles finding work, a love for bicycles and eventually cars, and a family heritage of courage and engineering. He also discussed a few of the stunts he'd already done for Top Gear, and how his wife, Mindy, had been stressed about them.
Then we get to the dragster crash. Hammond goes into great detail describing the day running up to his accident. Several successful runs down the runway were completed, and he gushes over how it felt to be pushed at around 300 mph by a jet engine. He details his final run, with updates about how many seconds had passed, as he flicks on the afterburner and first notices his steering pulling to one side. He attempts to correct course, feels the car pulling off into the grass, cuts the motor and deploys the parachute. Finally, the chute fails and he accepts his imminent death as inevitable and not particularly scary. He goes over the impacts he feels to his head, his visor being pulled up by the last of several impacts roof-to-ground, and soil being forced into his mouth and nose, damaging his left eye.
Hammond suffered serious brain damage, fell into a deep coma, and couldn't tell the next part of the story as even the bits he woke up for, he cannot remember. The next part of the book was written by his wife, Mindy. While Hammond had good humour throughout his first part, Mindy's was full of emotion. She was on her way to pick up her new horse when she got the news, rushed home to get clothes and make arrangements for their two young daughters, and rushed to meet her husband in the hospital.
I won't go into great detail about his recovery in the hospital, or Mindy's struggle. What I will say is that I cried, remembering the crash my own father had in 2003. He fell off his mountain bike in the woods, down into a ravine, and landed on the back of his neck. While my dad's crash was nowhere near as bad as Hammond's, and he sustained no severe head trauma (just a broken neck!), I could feel the similarities in how Mindy reacted to how my mom did at the time. Hammond has said many times that he feels guilty about what he put his girls through, and I know my dad felt similarly when I had to care for him. What Mindy wrote would definitely resonate with any family that has had a member go through an major accident, especially when it's the mom and two daughters reacting to dad having crashed something. I felt the same fear that their family did, wondering if they'd ever get their loved one back.
Hammond eventually recovers enough to have a bit of memory about what happened. He talks about what it was like to not remember you're in the hospital or why, and being confused and hurt when people get frustrated with you, not realizing you've asked the same questions about 40 times just today. He talks about finally getting to the point that he could remember things a bit, but was still very childlike. He spent days building Lego. He described being afraid that he'd never be able to control his emotions properly, as he was often grumpy, and that he couldn't trust his own perceptions of reality. The day came for him to go home, and he panicked about the flashing by of the streetlights possibly causing a seizure. He was scared and lashing out, which made him more frightened. He got to a recovery cottage to stay away from the media, and was worried about his obsessive compulsive thoughts. Eventually he was well enough to go back to work, and talked about how it was hard having an invisible disability, because either people forgot he needed extra time for things, or, on the other hand, made a big deal about it. All of these things I can totally relate to. I, myself, have a few mental illnesses that make me frustrated with my own brain. I often feel like I can't control myself properly or trust my own perceptions. I, too, have panicked about triggers, and become frightened of my own reactions to things. I have PTSD, major depression, OCPD, autism, and an invisible physical disability. His experiences with mental illness and ableism really mesh with what I've felt myself. I wept, remembering days I had shut away from myself. I let myself experience them again, and it hurt. But it felt good. I was able to see that my reactions were normal. That it wasn't so strange to be scared of my own mind but completely okay with the idea of death. Most of all, I was able to connect to another human being in a way I don't normally get to. He has no idea I even exist, but I grok his mind in a way only someone with similar experiences can. Not that I've crashed a jet car, but mental illness is not unlike physical brain damage. I've felt what he felt, and it was good to hear another perspective on it. It was good to read things I had only had vague thoughts of before. It was good to reconnect with confusion, frustration, and panic, in order to more appreciate how far in recovery I've actually come. Seeing Hammond's progression from coma to fully functional, taking that journey with him, let me see parallels in my journey, and appreciate that my brain is in better shape than I think sometimes. All in all, a well written, emotional ride.
So, with that, I'm extremely excited to read his next two autobiographies. I'm curious as to how his perspective on recovery changes over the years, and to hearing more about what life on Top Gear is like when the cameras are off. I've also got a couple other books I've read recently that I could discuss if people are interested.
