Today is never an easy day… Zack is my best friend and the reason I can say I am a better person in this life. Today is his birthday. It is also the 5th year that I’ll be celebrating it without him. As always I will be spending it visiting his mother and grandmother. I believe it’s easier to remind her of the day he came into existence, rather than the day he left us. I make sure to give her flowers and tell her some more of our outlandish stories and make sure that I leave her with new memories of him every time. I like to make sure that she’s never alone on that day. And that she knows her son will never be forgotten. We will talk about life in general, she’ll lecture me about my hair and tattoos and she will more than likely still offer me that god awful club soda but as always, I will smile, thank her and drink it anyway. It is never easy. I know my presence for her is a sweet yet painful gesture. I try to keep her from crying but sometimes it can’t be helped.
As morbid as I may sound, I am glad that I was there in the end. Regardless of how tragic, I know I was with him as long as humanly possible. I can be somewhat at peace knowing I told him I loved him that day and he knew it. I’d like to think he’d be happy to know a result of his tragedy, saved 2 other lives. At the time, it was a horrible feeling to know they were not him. The relief that they had pulled 2 people from the river, but relief turned to agony when I was told they were not Zack. I am usually a sound and solid person in emergencies. This switch flips and emotions are not part of it. Standing there and staring into the current and listening to the buzz of people and emergency vehicles, I felt myself losing him. The fire marshal walked up and let me know that it was looking grim and they were not able to put divers in to find him. That it was time to get things in order and contact his family. I lost all composure. My knees wanted to buckle and my eyes blurred everything around me as tears filled them. All I could see was his face as he went down river until I couldn’t see him anymore. I recalled a conversation we had on the way there at a stop light. He looked over at me, touched my hand and said “You know I love you, right?” Puzzled, I responded “Of course. I love you too.” It ran through my head over and over. Sitting in a cop car I asked “I can drive his car home, right? I don’t want to leave his car here. Am I able to take it home for him?” I grabbed his belongings left on the shoreline and hugged them tight. I walked past the media and the onlookers and I had to leave my best friend there. I can never explain how inexplicably hard it is to tell a mother her only son was not coming home.
I met Zack when working at a metal manufacturing warehouse. He was a friend of a friend and kicked out on his birthday of all days. “I don’t know you, but for some reason, I trust you. I have a bedroom open at my house and you’re more than welcome to come live with me.” I didn’t know it then, but he would be helping me far more than just being a roommate. He was my other half. We would talk all night about everything and anything. The places we’d travel to and the adventures we’d have. We’d drive everywhere and anywhere just to be somewhere we’ve never been before. Drive up the mountain at 4 in the morning because we wanted hot chocolate. Get drunk and fall up and down sand dunes. Or play drunken hide and seek which was never a good idea because I’d always get stuck in a tree. Get matching tattoos because it was either the stupidest idea or the best idea and yes, I’ll still apologize that I was drunk and drew the pistons upside down because they looked right to me. When I was in a bad mood, he’d drive around the roundabout nonstop until I smiled. And regardless of who I was with, where I was, our loyalties lay with each other, no matter what. He proved that there were still genuine people in this world that were not going to hurt me and that some people were trustworthy enough to let my walls down and really love someone, which was something I desperately needed in my life. I live on for the both of us. I travel as much as possible. Smile as much as possible. Live as much as possible, and love as much as possible. The tattoo on my forearm was the best $30 I ever spent and it is a reminder that a part of him still lives with me.
So to my Zackaroo, One day, maybe today, maybe a long time from now, our paths will cross again and I’ll take another drive with you. Until then, I will toast the weirdest energy drink I can find in your honor and as always, we can sleep when we’re dead. Forgive me if I shed tears today. Have a good rest, my friend.
