alright, I'm not dead.
Things have been kinda shitty here, and I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do to make myself happy again. These past few months have been pretty fucking bad with some great thrown in from time to time.
fast recap:
6 months ago I left Germany. I got here and a few days after my birthday my friend Aaron commited suicide. 2 weeks after that my grandfather died. a month and a half ago my uncle who had been suffering in the hospital for 4 months was taken off the vent he was on and died 3 hours later.
I think that catches people up on some things... if you care to read that much at least.
Right now my grandmother is in the hospital. She had a DNR, for those that may not know what that is it's a Do Not Resussitate (sorry if my spelling is horrible my brain isn't working at full functioning mode right now) and she also has a living will specifying that she did not want to be put on any life saving devices and wanted no heroics if it came down to it. Well, what did the hospital do? Put her on a vent.
Monday, my mother, father (this is my fathers mother), and I sat in the hospital all day. My dad demanded they take the vent out, and they did. Hospice has now stepped in and she is on a morphine drip. We're basically just sitting and waiting.
My mother and I cleared out her room at the Nursing home she was at today. It's hard doing that. Even though she's not gone yet it feels like it.
I also wanted to state something else. For the longest time I pretty much had to be (for the most part) hush hush about things going on in my life. Well, I'm kinda tired of it. I'm not going to go and flash pictures or go into details about anything, but I'm getting a divorce from my husband. Reasons are between him and I that I do not care to discuss. I also wanted (and this is kind of a breath of fresh air, or maybe it's just finally feeling free. i don't know) to say that I am with BlackWing I've never come out and said that before in any journal, but i'm sure most of you know or figured it out. Once again, I'm not flashing pictures or going into details about anything, it's just something that I needed to express and get off of my chest.
I've also decided to go back to school. I love my job I have now, but I need something better for myself. I'm tired of just waiting for things to fall in my lap and I'm going out there and doing it. I've decided that I'm going to just go take control over my life, and do what I want to do and say what I want to say and feel what I want to feel. I'm just tired of hiding and being unhappy.
Sorry for the overly long journal entry. I swear the next one won't be this long. I just really needed to vent.
Things have been kinda shitty here, and I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do to make myself happy again. These past few months have been pretty fucking bad with some great thrown in from time to time.
fast recap:
6 months ago I left Germany. I got here and a few days after my birthday my friend Aaron commited suicide. 2 weeks after that my grandfather died. a month and a half ago my uncle who had been suffering in the hospital for 4 months was taken off the vent he was on and died 3 hours later.
I think that catches people up on some things... if you care to read that much at least.
Right now my grandmother is in the hospital. She had a DNR, for those that may not know what that is it's a Do Not Resussitate (sorry if my spelling is horrible my brain isn't working at full functioning mode right now) and she also has a living will specifying that she did not want to be put on any life saving devices and wanted no heroics if it came down to it. Well, what did the hospital do? Put her on a vent.
Monday, my mother, father (this is my fathers mother), and I sat in the hospital all day. My dad demanded they take the vent out, and they did. Hospice has now stepped in and she is on a morphine drip. We're basically just sitting and waiting.
My mother and I cleared out her room at the Nursing home she was at today. It's hard doing that. Even though she's not gone yet it feels like it.
I also wanted to state something else. For the longest time I pretty much had to be (for the most part) hush hush about things going on in my life. Well, I'm kinda tired of it. I'm not going to go and flash pictures or go into details about anything, but I'm getting a divorce from my husband. Reasons are between him and I that I do not care to discuss. I also wanted (and this is kind of a breath of fresh air, or maybe it's just finally feeling free. i don't know) to say that I am with BlackWing I've never come out and said that before in any journal, but i'm sure most of you know or figured it out. Once again, I'm not flashing pictures or going into details about anything, it's just something that I needed to express and get off of my chest.
I've also decided to go back to school. I love my job I have now, but I need something better for myself. I'm tired of just waiting for things to fall in my lap and I'm going out there and doing it. I've decided that I'm going to just go take control over my life, and do what I want to do and say what I want to say and feel what I want to feel. I'm just tired of hiding and being unhappy.
Sorry for the overly long journal entry. I swear the next one won't be this long. I just really needed to vent.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
I just wanted to say sorry if i offend you in my last comment. Someone has stir up a stink in a thread saying" i had no right to come in here and not read your journal and leave a comment"
But i did read your journal, i just didn't know what else to say to try and cheer you up. I thought a compliment would be nice. But it looks like i might of been wrong. Please belive me, i did have good intentions. But my heartfelt sympathies goes out to you and your grandmother.
Sorry once again if i offended you in anyway.
Cid Rock
[Edited on Mar 21, 2006 12:52AM]
i've been there hon.
-hugs tight-
recently in fact.
best wishes. i know its hell.