the piece i performed at l.a.'s m-bar last night:
Over the years Ive learned something about myself. Im want to share it with you this evening: Im a shopaholic. This is a tough admission for a guy, because lets face it: shopping is something that my wife does.
Shopping is gathering and guys dont do that.
We kill something and then we bring it home.
We hunt.
But I found a way to shop and still call it "hunting. How did I do it?
Two little words:
"eBay"
eBay allows guys to shop because we dont call it shopping.
Were in an AUCTION.
Theres competition, and let me tell you. It can be fierce.
We hunt for the perfect item, the essential item.
We size it up.
We strategize.
How much do they want?
Who else wants this?
How badly do they want it?
As much as I do? I doubt it.
Finally, I bid. Many may bid.
But only one will win.
In every auction I entered, I wanted to be that guy.
The winner.
The hunter who kills something and brings it home.
OK, it usually arrives via UPS, but, still, I'm "killing" something.
I got that hunting rush with my first e-Bay experience and before I knew it, I was off and running. I bought hundreds of things.
I bought books I loved when I was a kid. "The Avengers." "The Man from Uncle." "Star Trek." And I don't want to forget "The Girl from Uncle."
I didnt stop at books. I needed buttons and t-shirts and videotapes. Then came the action figures. X-Files. Twisted Wizard of Oz. Janeane Garofalo.
My wife calls them my dolls.
She just doesnt understand.
They're my "prey."
Like any good hunter, on eBay I had to:
Learn about my opponents.
Learn about my prey.
Learn the terrain.
Im gonna share with you a little of what Ive learned:
The first thing is that most descriptions on eBay are exaggerated. For example, size can never be trusted. I bought my wife a table-top version of one of her favorite video games she played in her softball bar. It looked big in the picture.
Turned out to be the size of toaster. And the joy stick? About the size of Q-Tip.
When something is listed as being in good condition, thats eBay's technical code for shitty.
And when something is listed as rare, that means you can only find, oh, perhaps 20 or 30 more of them on eBay right now.
So, good hunter that I am, I learned these things. I honed my skills so that I could provide essential things for my family. Things like coasters from Absolutely Fabulous...a Man from UNCLE lunchbox...A Fawlty Towers Teapot.
I dont mind telling you that the competition for the The Very Best of Family Affair video was intense. But I won it, and that was the main thing. Buffy, Jody. Uncle Bill. Mr. French...I OWNED THEM!
Pretty soon, I was buying things I already owned, just so someone else couldnt have them.
That's when I realized that things had gotten out of control I couldnt stop myself. I tried to legitimize what I was doing by buying stuff for other people.
"Its not for me. Its for my wife. Its a gift. I do this because Im a giver. I give.
In fact, this whole eBay thing is probably the most unselfish thing Ive ever done."
Yeah.
It was only a matter of time before I took my hunting skills outside. K-Mart. Walmart. Sams Club. COSTCO. Ive hunted all those territories.
Today I use my powers for good. I mostly stick to buying the essentials. But I cant resist a bargain:
The 1-gallon jar of mayonnaise
Cat litter by the gross
Kleenex six of the three-box packs at Smart & Final are quite a bargain, I dont mind telling you.
Occasionally, I'm still drawn to the hunt on eBay.
But I swear to you now, I only bid on the things I absolutely need.
I mean, really, how could I have gone on living without my Avengers pillow?
xxxooo
Over the years Ive learned something about myself. Im want to share it with you this evening: Im a shopaholic. This is a tough admission for a guy, because lets face it: shopping is something that my wife does.
Shopping is gathering and guys dont do that.
We kill something and then we bring it home.
We hunt.
But I found a way to shop and still call it "hunting. How did I do it?
Two little words:
"eBay"
eBay allows guys to shop because we dont call it shopping.
Were in an AUCTION.
Theres competition, and let me tell you. It can be fierce.
We hunt for the perfect item, the essential item.
We size it up.
We strategize.
How much do they want?
Who else wants this?
How badly do they want it?
As much as I do? I doubt it.
Finally, I bid. Many may bid.
But only one will win.
In every auction I entered, I wanted to be that guy.
The winner.
The hunter who kills something and brings it home.
OK, it usually arrives via UPS, but, still, I'm "killing" something.
I got that hunting rush with my first e-Bay experience and before I knew it, I was off and running. I bought hundreds of things.
I bought books I loved when I was a kid. "The Avengers." "The Man from Uncle." "Star Trek." And I don't want to forget "The Girl from Uncle."
I didnt stop at books. I needed buttons and t-shirts and videotapes. Then came the action figures. X-Files. Twisted Wizard of Oz. Janeane Garofalo.
My wife calls them my dolls.
She just doesnt understand.
They're my "prey."
Like any good hunter, on eBay I had to:
Learn about my opponents.
Learn about my prey.
Learn the terrain.
Im gonna share with you a little of what Ive learned:
The first thing is that most descriptions on eBay are exaggerated. For example, size can never be trusted. I bought my wife a table-top version of one of her favorite video games she played in her softball bar. It looked big in the picture.
Turned out to be the size of toaster. And the joy stick? About the size of Q-Tip.
When something is listed as being in good condition, thats eBay's technical code for shitty.
And when something is listed as rare, that means you can only find, oh, perhaps 20 or 30 more of them on eBay right now.
So, good hunter that I am, I learned these things. I honed my skills so that I could provide essential things for my family. Things like coasters from Absolutely Fabulous...a Man from UNCLE lunchbox...A Fawlty Towers Teapot.
I dont mind telling you that the competition for the The Very Best of Family Affair video was intense. But I won it, and that was the main thing. Buffy, Jody. Uncle Bill. Mr. French...I OWNED THEM!
Pretty soon, I was buying things I already owned, just so someone else couldnt have them.
That's when I realized that things had gotten out of control I couldnt stop myself. I tried to legitimize what I was doing by buying stuff for other people.
"Its not for me. Its for my wife. Its a gift. I do this because Im a giver. I give.
In fact, this whole eBay thing is probably the most unselfish thing Ive ever done."
Yeah.
It was only a matter of time before I took my hunting skills outside. K-Mart. Walmart. Sams Club. COSTCO. Ive hunted all those territories.
Today I use my powers for good. I mostly stick to buying the essentials. But I cant resist a bargain:
The 1-gallon jar of mayonnaise
Cat litter by the gross
Kleenex six of the three-box packs at Smart & Final are quite a bargain, I dont mind telling you.
Occasionally, I'm still drawn to the hunt on eBay.
But I swear to you now, I only bid on the things I absolutely need.
I mean, really, how could I have gone on living without my Avengers pillow?
xxxooo
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
sfdeep:
Absolutely Fabulous toasters? i want those. now. 
sfdeep:
thanks for the advice on SoBe. i'll be trying to stay in clubs as much as possible to avoid any collisional activities on the strip