I had an interesting talk with my aunt, Cyndi, tonight. I called her up for help in a situation, (only feltonjoe really knows what's up), and while she couldn't help me there, she did help me in a way that I didn't know could be considered help. I'm sorry in advance if this is too long for you, I just feel the need to "talk" and get things out before I explode from nerves and impending tears because nerves love to fuck up on me.
This always happens, I always forget how the conversations end up to what I get ready to discuss on blogs. But somehow, our phone converstation wound it's way to my mother (a topic favorite in the immediate Irving family) and how she needs to take control of her life and stop trying to find people to take care of her or something to that extent. My memory fails me right now, I'm tired, fovever stressed, and really pining for a good hard drink. Damn my straightedgedness.
At any rate...ah...I think I remember a bit better. I had told Cyndi how "Mommy Dearest" had come back into our lives again. And how Grandma and Grandpa had been sucked into helping her...again...but were finally about to give her the heave ho. And how my uncle Tim had it out with her and both him and his wonderful wife, Tammy (a goddess, all must worship!!!) brushed their hands clean of her. Cyndi went on to touch how she was suprised that Tim would do that. I asked why. She said that since Momma's Bipolar and he's been diagnosed, he's been looking for a reconcilliation of sorts. Been looking to say "This is your problem, you can fix it, we'll go through this together." But maybe now he's finally realized that Momma's problems don't just lie in that.
That shocked me. I mean, Tim had told me that he was in therapy and was on meds back in December, when I was back home (Michigan) for Christmas. But he never told me for what. I didn't feel the need to pry for some reason. So when Cyndi told me this, I'm basically "Wait a sec...Tim's Bipolar? I thought it was only the second child in every generation. Momma's got it, Brad's got it."
I was in for another shocker. Cyndi said, very nonchalantly mind you, "Oh no, it's very promienent. I'm borderline Bipolar."
HUH?!?! Her?!?! Borderline?!?!
Noooooo...Cyndi's one of the most stable people I know! Long story short, it's very prominent in the family, Bipolar is. It runs on my grandma's side. I don't think my grandmother has it. I think she just had slight depression. I knew it came from her side, I just needed the confirmation. Surprise, again, it would be Cyndi. She was diagnosed borderline in her college years (she's going to be 42 in a couple of days), and it became a problem in her early to mid 20's. But she's had control of it ever since. She never needed medication for it.
Which futher instills my belief that no matter what problem you may have mentally, you can control it without the use of medication.
ADD is promienent, but I think that's on my grandfather's side...and doesn't really apply to this situation other than that's originally what Tim thought he had.
But it shocked me. I was convinced that the pattern was every second borne in ever generation. But now I see that it's pretty much everyone in every generation that has some form of it. Which makes me wonder, because I was told I dont' have it. I told Cyndi that, and what I do have - which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I went by the abbreviation first and it threw her for a loop. The extended version made her go "Oh, that!" But it makes me wonder if in fact I was misdiagnosed.
This is how Cyndi and I are alike, besides being the writers in the family. We both self diagnose ourselves of anything and are usually right on the money. I was professionally diagnosed PTSD with Seperation Anxiety. I belive I might also be Hypomanic, and exhibit histrionic, narcissitic, and anti-social tendacncies.
Cyndi self diagnosed herself borderline before she got the professional confirmation. Smart woman, she is. Glad I take after her in some sense.
Anyways, now it makes me wonder. Those self diagnoses stem from reading an abnormal psych book that Amber bought a couple of weeks back and some things really stood out to me. Because I get that feeling that there's something more to my mental instabilities, something lying underneath the surface that I haven't touched yet.
I just realized I now have no clue where I'm going with this. I had a good idea when I started typing...but got lost in the rhythmic, hypnotic clicks of the keys on the keyboard. So I digress about all of the above.
But I love my aunt. She rocks. I wish I could see her more often. Yup, yup. Maybe one day I'll have pics.
On an ending note...I miss my raven(though technically he's not mine - in any form). But there are some Tiger Army shows coming up that I know he'll be at. Another chance to finally work up the courage to say hi, and hope like hell my knees don't give out when I see him walk in the room. Wouldn't that be my luck? God would walk into the room and all I can do is collapse and melt into a big ole' Ayla-puddle.
God dammit, why does he have to be so beautiful?
This always happens, I always forget how the conversations end up to what I get ready to discuss on blogs. But somehow, our phone converstation wound it's way to my mother (a topic favorite in the immediate Irving family) and how she needs to take control of her life and stop trying to find people to take care of her or something to that extent. My memory fails me right now, I'm tired, fovever stressed, and really pining for a good hard drink. Damn my straightedgedness.
At any rate...ah...I think I remember a bit better. I had told Cyndi how "Mommy Dearest" had come back into our lives again. And how Grandma and Grandpa had been sucked into helping her...again...but were finally about to give her the heave ho. And how my uncle Tim had it out with her and both him and his wonderful wife, Tammy (a goddess, all must worship!!!) brushed their hands clean of her. Cyndi went on to touch how she was suprised that Tim would do that. I asked why. She said that since Momma's Bipolar and he's been diagnosed, he's been looking for a reconcilliation of sorts. Been looking to say "This is your problem, you can fix it, we'll go through this together." But maybe now he's finally realized that Momma's problems don't just lie in that.
That shocked me. I mean, Tim had told me that he was in therapy and was on meds back in December, when I was back home (Michigan) for Christmas. But he never told me for what. I didn't feel the need to pry for some reason. So when Cyndi told me this, I'm basically "Wait a sec...Tim's Bipolar? I thought it was only the second child in every generation. Momma's got it, Brad's got it."
I was in for another shocker. Cyndi said, very nonchalantly mind you, "Oh no, it's very promienent. I'm borderline Bipolar."
HUH?!?! Her?!?! Borderline?!?!
Noooooo...Cyndi's one of the most stable people I know! Long story short, it's very prominent in the family, Bipolar is. It runs on my grandma's side. I don't think my grandmother has it. I think she just had slight depression. I knew it came from her side, I just needed the confirmation. Surprise, again, it would be Cyndi. She was diagnosed borderline in her college years (she's going to be 42 in a couple of days), and it became a problem in her early to mid 20's. But she's had control of it ever since. She never needed medication for it.
Which futher instills my belief that no matter what problem you may have mentally, you can control it without the use of medication.
ADD is promienent, but I think that's on my grandfather's side...and doesn't really apply to this situation other than that's originally what Tim thought he had.
But it shocked me. I was convinced that the pattern was every second borne in ever generation. But now I see that it's pretty much everyone in every generation that has some form of it. Which makes me wonder, because I was told I dont' have it. I told Cyndi that, and what I do have - which is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I went by the abbreviation first and it threw her for a loop. The extended version made her go "Oh, that!" But it makes me wonder if in fact I was misdiagnosed.
This is how Cyndi and I are alike, besides being the writers in the family. We both self diagnose ourselves of anything and are usually right on the money. I was professionally diagnosed PTSD with Seperation Anxiety. I belive I might also be Hypomanic, and exhibit histrionic, narcissitic, and anti-social tendacncies.
Cyndi self diagnosed herself borderline before she got the professional confirmation. Smart woman, she is. Glad I take after her in some sense.
Anyways, now it makes me wonder. Those self diagnoses stem from reading an abnormal psych book that Amber bought a couple of weeks back and some things really stood out to me. Because I get that feeling that there's something more to my mental instabilities, something lying underneath the surface that I haven't touched yet.
I just realized I now have no clue where I'm going with this. I had a good idea when I started typing...but got lost in the rhythmic, hypnotic clicks of the keys on the keyboard. So I digress about all of the above.
But I love my aunt. She rocks. I wish I could see her more often. Yup, yup. Maybe one day I'll have pics.
On an ending note...I miss my raven(though technically he's not mine - in any form). But there are some Tiger Army shows coming up that I know he'll be at. Another chance to finally work up the courage to say hi, and hope like hell my knees don't give out when I see him walk in the room. Wouldn't that be my luck? God would walk into the room and all I can do is collapse and melt into a big ole' Ayla-puddle.
God dammit, why does he have to be so beautiful?
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xxx