Lately I am torn between wanting a relationship with someone that I love and being convinced that I am in truth never going to find them and end up dying alone.
I know that if I had to choose between dying alone and settling for someone I didn't love, I would prefer to die alone, door unlocked, friends I see regularly noticing I'm suddenly gone.
But it would be nice to find someone who wants to snuggle up next to me and share a secret language, to laugh at my jokes and make me laugh.
It tends to be the case that I don't like the people I date, or rather, I am only able to "land" people I can't or don't fall in love with. And I can't seem to land the people who I truly believe will make me happy.
I try not to let it get me down, or think that there is something wrong with me personally, or if there is, that it's something out of my control and that I should forgive myself for. But man, it feels nice to have someone lie on top of you wearing a borrowed shirt and a pair of your boxers. I don't know what it is about that but boy do I like it.
I went on a date tonight with a woman who is smart, funny, politically on the same page as me and maybe even above my level, has money, has a wealth of experiences, and somehow she did not make a big impression on me. I am not surprised by this, but it's disappointing to go through all the work of setting up a time and a place to meet someone you've finally convinced to meet you, and then... poof.
I might give it a second date, but if I'm still not feeling any sparks I should just be up front with her and say, we can continue getting desserts but maybe don't fall in love with me; things will end better for you if you don't.