awkward

I'm crying.

I haven't cried, truly cried in over
a year. It's hard to see the letters
that I'm writing. But, I need to do
something else but concentrate
on the words that
were spoken to me.

When you allow yourself to
experience the process of love;
to fall in love, fall out of love,
and maintain contact with
those that you once loved.
The love-e sometime loses
grasp of reality and comes
charging at you harsh words
and even harsher tones.

I've placed myself in the
position to where I wish to
befriend those that I have
dated, because there is no
point for hostility.
But, expect for one.
My first boyfriend and first love.
He broke me as a person.
I lost all essence of what it
meant to be me, though not
intentionally he achieved in
killing off all my beliefs and
just transforming me into
someone else.
Who he later complained
about me being. He spoke
to me today, speaking without realization.
He dropped me back to a
time I never
wanted to be at again.

He made me miss me.
I hate the fact that I listened
and that I ended up crying.
Crying over someone I was
so happy had gone away.

My past leads me to so much
reluctance to find myself in
another relationship. I've
been hurt and broken so
many times because I'm
just too kind, and I'm quick
to trust, quick to love.
But, I don't want to stop or fear relationships.

I want to really fall in love.
To find someone that I'm
at peace with.
Someone that shares my
interests but respects
our differences. Someone that
I can grow with, someone
that won't try to change me.

Can I just find someone
that will actually listen to
me, and better understand me?
Someone to melt into their
arms with a perfect sense
of comfort and stability?

I'm tired of coming across
those that just end up
hurting me. I give what I can
while still letting myself live,
but to some I am not suppost
to live, but dedicate my every
living moment to them. That
is not who I am, and
not who I wish to be.

p.s.
It only takes one person to
ruin a months work of me
actually beginning to feel good
about myself and where my
life is going.

But, I was lucky enough to
come across two people today
that reminded me of what a
horrible person I am.

Sometimes, things are just too
much to handle. Can I just sleep
now and wake up a new person.