avidity

some thoughts from being held up in bed for like 5 days.....most are tv related.

as a long time watcher of the mtv vmas, everyone knows there are 2, maybe 3 times you can catch this show. it's only a small window of time. it's played once, maybe twice the first night, then there is usually a replay on the immediately following saturday. i know this because my father was NOT an mtv watcher, so my mom and i always had to catch it when it replayed. these were the days before the best invention ever, tivo.

why this year are they replaying this thing over and over again? then i had a really heartwarming thought....awe it was probably for the michael jackson tribute thing....awe .. then the truth hit me, and i snickered and thought.....that kanye is a tricky bitch.

did jon and kate ALWAYS hate each other? i mean really now...have we not seen this coming show after show? i'm watching reruns thinking, wow there are two people that really, REALLY despise each other.

after putting in he's just not that into you thinking it would be good in my depressed state to see a bunch of women NOT getting the guy. it turns out, they all fucking do, and the one guy who i had faith in from the start, cheats. the movie blows, and is not allowed in my dvd player until i am happily in love again. ~like he'd ask her to marry him after he was so against it for 7 years....fucking please~

i think my mind, body, and heart all got together on this sickness and it was a group attack. my mind knew i wasn't letting myself think about him. my heart knew it needed some downtime, and my body said "what the hell" to spending a couple days in bed. they worked together to take me down. the sad heart stuff hit two days ago. i cried a lot. well not cried, more whimpered. but i just kept blaming the excruciating pain coming from my bladder. but my heart knew better.
the pro: every flower in my apartment had died while i was in bed. i don't know what that's a pro, but i was happy when i came down today and saw it. i don't know, past is dead, new beginnings, i'm sure i could label it something....but it made me smile.

i threw away all the food in my fridge. i'm having a food strike. i haven't eaten since thursday...except for bread and the occasional blueberry or watermelon cube, and really don't want too. not to mention it all wreaks of him being here. so it's now all in my garbage. which i'm way too weak to take out. yeah i'm still sick as a dog. cleaning the fridge took me like 2 hours cause i can't stand for too long.

those "pain" pills as they called them that turns my stuff all orange, are just that. PAIN. it made everything so much worse last night. i stood in my shower under the water for an hour. didn't wash a thing. and that is SO not me. then i sat on the edge of my tub for another hour. then made it to bed. where i laid for another 5-6 hours just praying to feel better. not taking those anymore. excedrine was working better. i told him not to try out anything fancy on me and just give me vicodine or something for pain, but NOOOOOO.

and now all this typing and attempt at wit is just making me nauseous. so i will have to continue this at another time. now i'm living on the couch. and the damn puppy has to go out. scott seems to think just because i was speaking today that i can walk him. i can't. and i won't. cause if i stand i get sick. not happening.

but my old sleep mate is back....



always loyal, even though guy after guy, i kick her out of the bedroom at night. oh, and i managed a smile last night...