Firstly, a belated Happy New Year to anyone reading this! I hope you had a great time over the festive period, with your families & friends, even better if you got to party with fellow SG members! :)
Anyhow...
So, you may have noticed, though likely not, that I don't post too often on here & there are a number of reasons for that. However, I have made a promise to myself this year to try & push myself forward & achieve things that I've previously avoided or considered too difficult. The main reason why I generally don't post here, is due to my ongoing battles with social anxiety & depression, over the past decade or so. It's not something I generally tell many people, but it has wrecked enough jobs & relationships, reducing my enjoyment of life to a fraction of what it should be, that I've decided to do my best to fight against it this year, going forward!
In the past I've always strived to give 110% to jobs, partners & projects but eventually, due to frustrations with others who barely make an effort (even when they're paid handsomely), this has reduced, until I just get frustrated & then depressed. Through years of this, repeatedly trying to make a life for myself after each depressive episode or break-down, before Christmas I found myself feeling worse than I had in years! I'd lost my job earlier in the year (again, due to the above), had been prescribed medication & was unable to work because of this. The usual issues at this time of year (finances, travel, food, gifts, social events etc.) piled up, one atop the other, until it just became almost too much to handle. Added to this, I have been trapped in the UK's health & benefits systems since May last year, without really receiving too much in the way of support from either; constant stress from poor admin, anti-depressants that make me feel like a zombie & welfare payments that have constantly failed to cover my monthly rent & bills. For systems that are supposed to provide assistance where it's needed, they have only served to make things worse for me; I now am awaiting a very difficult "fitness for work" assessment, that is supposedly very inconsiderate to people with physical & mental health issues... Anyway, there's the skinny on my back-story & that's where I'll leave it; in the past!
Moving on & as said previously, this year I'm going to do my damnedest to fight back & carve my own path through life, especially if the public services that are supposed to help are unable. One of the ways in which I want to change is in my sociability; I'm practically a hermit these days, living alone, & go for days without seeing or speaking to anyone, though most of the time this suits me fine haha One of the major reasons for this, is Suicide Girls! As a single guy, more often than not, I was initially drawn to SG because of the many attractive ladies (OK, I still am!) but the more time I've spent on the site, appreciating photography & reading about the lives of members, I've found so many stories of depressions, illness, heartbreak & sadness that have touched me. I've also, since a stint cross-playing as a woman, discovered that I have a deep respect for the daily problems & issues faced by over 50% of the world's population, who are still marginalised, disrespected, underpaid & undervalued because they don't have a penis! Then I see the amazing women on this site & I'm reminded that there are those who are willing to fight for their right to not be discriminated against or pigeon-holed, those who gladly say "fuck you" to accepted conventions of how a woman should be & this has slowly inspired me; thank you to any SG or member who is reading this, for being who are you, sincerely! Many of the most important & beloved people in my life are women, who have always been there for me to offer emotional support, helping me through the darkest days & nights. And they manage this, as well as dealing with a world that often sees them as second class citizens, with all the problems that brings to their lives, as well as being put upon by men to "fulfil their womanly duties" constantly. Once I'd opened my eyes & mind to this, I've found I just notice more & more injustices against the female gender, which has caused me to reassess my own values & educate male friends about the way they treat women. Only a few of my friends are feminists, but they have repeatedly told me that I'm more of one than most women they know, which is sadly telling of our times...
I could go on for ages, but I'll spare you the suffering & get to the point. I class myself as a pretty alternative person in both looks & mindset, which is why I am posting this on here, not other social media. I struggle to make friends, as I've been let down so much in the past, & want to become more active on the SG forums (especially those on weed, gaming, sci-fi & other interests I have :D), but I'm pretty rubbish at doing so & wondered if anyone could help my gently prodding my profile every now & then. I'm thinking of trying to do the homework assignments given by Missy & Rambo, as that seemed a good way to start; especially as blogging isn't something I'm overly comfortable with, given that I don't get to much that's exciting to blog about haha Another thing, which is very unlike the old me, is that the more I've looked at the stunning photo sets SG's & hopefuls keep submitting, the more I've begun asking why is this acceptable for women to do & not so much men? Despite being pretty shy about my looks & body, I'm seriously considering asking a friend to do a photo-shoot to submit on here, for the SuicideBoys section of the forum & would really appreciate any comments or advice on how to go about this, themes for the shoot, or just encouragement. My reasoning behind this is not only to give me back some of the confidence that I've lost due to bad relationships & low self-esteem over the years, but also to do something that (hopefully) appeals to women in the same way that their shoots appeal to men, which I'd like to think might help to break down the barriers of what is acceptable for different genders.
In closing, thank you for reading & for any comments you might post. I hope to be more active here from now on, when my illness allows & it's not covering everything with darkness, so I look forward to seeing where this journey takes me.
Peace & love to all.