avalon

she's the only one who knows what it is to burn


it's hard to proceed when it is your mind that is tainted. i feel like my mind should be something people love- a beautiful mind. but it is more a weapon even i cannot escape- dangerous and impulsive. with a thirst for pain it seems. self destruction is something that has always been in my nature. pretty hate machines have always been my flavor. i couldn't tell you why i am attracted to violence when the effects are far worse. all i can say is that i have grown far too fond of it and it's going to kill me.

but pain makes you question everything and i wonder where does "i can't be with you" come from? is it truly that you cannot or that you are not willing to try? or that you feel it is not worth it. maybe being patient with me isn't worth it. and that cuts me deep. i am willing to try to make things work and fix my woes but i am only capable of so much. everyone breaks. everyone has a threshold that can overflow. i never thought that would ever cause me this much grief as i think everyone explodes. i have always had a trying time finding a guy who can comprehend my emotions. i have had an even harder time finding someone who is not scared off by them. but when the blood starts pouring there is no stopping it for me, at times. it seems sometimes that blood poisons the person i love the most... how can i settle for that? it's simple- i must grow. but alas- it is easier said than done, my comrades. and easier said then done it usually goes.

what can i say- i am a fool. what a wretched mess i make with just my head. and it leaves me so disenchanted. so hollow. all i know is that i am going to reinvent myself. i must keep evolving to survive. no more of this sad and helplessness. no matter what it takes i will get better. i am stronger than this. i just don't want to do it alone. but maybe it is the only way. maybe i was dragging somene down with me. but maybe i just needed some support. maybe i just wanted someone to be there for me instead of holding me against their own standards and what works for them to what is difficult to fix for my own life. catering to our own experiences is what is expected. it is hard to go outside of your comfort zone. but at the same time- i have found that you can find salvation in it.

i just want someone to share breathtaking days like this with. today was most spectatular. the sky was as hypnotizing and i had trouble driving down to my dads. maybe it was the clouds that were tugging on my emotions. or the scenery of deep green that captured my heart. or the songs that remind me of happy times. but i think it was missing someone presence to share this beauty with. being alone on a flawless day like this is unnerving. how do i cope? i always ruin a pretty day with tears and emptiness. i always feel somethings are just too unfathomable to see alone. as if it's unreal. i feel it becomes alive when there is someone there along with you. it is kinda like happiness. always better when you have someone to go along with the ride. to share things with. i think that expands the amount of love when you can vibe off each other. you create your own recipe for contentment. it is truly magical.

i find it hard to breathe right now. as if i breathed in to much i might explode with despair. how do you proceed without someone who helped define you? so many memories flash in my mind and i can't help but feel we shouldn't be apart. but i am sick. i am willing to admit that. but i don't think there isn't any hope. i think it is just my mind telling me that it feels this way- and there is now way out. i have to learn that it is something i can and have survived many times. i have to talk myself out of this bad trip. with every victory of melancholy i become more fierce and less scared. more whole and less dead. i don't want to feel like i have nothing more in life and that jumping out of a vehicle would sanctify me.

it is strange what love or lack of love does to every part of you. it is so easy to get lost in love and not see things for what they truly are. maybe i, too, was among the many who were blinded by love. but not blinded to my lover- but blinded to my own actions. now i am suffering. it is a gash that i was not ready for but know all too well. the scar of imperfection seeps through again. why can't i let myself be whole? why can't i just let myself be? it seems i torture myself. and even worse it seems- i like it. it is a vicious cycle.

it is not fair to hurt someone if you yourself are ill. i know that. but when you are faced with a fortune you are not accustomed to from your struggling past- you splurge. i think i am very guilty of this. i cannot resist carnal greed knowing of it's evil intentions. i do it to myself. and i get burned every time.

there is something spiritual about having nothing. it is like there is a certain exhileration in starting over. picking yourself up after an bloody loss and moving forward. it shows character if you can do it. most people don't try. although i am crushed now- i know i can rejuvenate and push harder. and do more- however trying it may be. i have a will that is unmatched it seems. and i think that is what keeps me going. the ability to move on. it is the fuel for my soul- bettering myself.

so while i mourn this love that i lost myself- i look forward to a better day. i will always love him. i will always feel he is my soulmate. i will always care. this will always hurt my very soul. everyday without him is a funeral of hearts. but what good is pain if you cannot use it? "train yourself to do without the things you feel you need." star wars can teach you a thing or two.

as i segue into a new life- i vow to test my strength. to no longer suffer unnecessarily. and to never never push away my love again. to let myself be everything i am capable of. and more importantly to love myself.