avalon

RIP mom 1957-1990

18 years ago today i lost you and it still rips my heart from my fucking chest
it was so long ago but tonight i have to let you know
that perpetuating your legacy is something to which
i will never rest
you are in every part of me
i feel like my very soul is on fire and you fuel this beautiful chaos
you are my essence and my thunder, physically gone forever
but you are still so alive
inside of me
in my heart a love still burns and i will never cease avenging you
when i was 10 and you died
my heart stopped
and although its never beat quite the same again without you
i learned how to survive to a different beat
and i have never stopped
fighting
struggling
falling down
but i always get up
i always will
you are the strength in me that resonates so profound
so defiant and i refuse to ever rest or settle for less
i've worked too hard and been through too much to ever give up
and all the harrowing things i have been through
in my adolescence when i was crucified for not fitting in
i knew you were there telling me to push though
and when dozens of guys broke my heart
and i thought my passion was gone
in the back of my head you told me to move on
and that had you still been alive you would
have fucking killed them
for putting me though something you also knew all too well
for giving yourself so selflessly
only to be burned in the end
when all the other classmates mothers were there to guide them through
i felt too left out and lonely
lost
but you were the power that made me more down to earth
then they ever thought about being
all my creative talents- you threw a sparkle in
whether writing, art or music
i have always put my all into everything i do
just like you
and although you aren't here to see the women i have become
i know you know
and i know you're proud
and you're always there
it still hurts
it hurts out loud
and i wonder where i would be
what kind of person i would have been
if you were still alive
and now as i sit here in las vegas
drinking a beer alone and
crying my eyes out
worlds away from anything you ever knew
i just miss you so fucking much
my heart aches for the woman that made me
that i miss every fucking day of my life
no one can ever know how this feels
how amazing you were
how hard it has been
how i have struggled
and how i still struggle
how no one could ever really understand
what its like to grow up motherless
so may things i missed out on and so many things you will miss and have missed
graduations, first loves, milestones, tragedys
but you are always with me and tonight i celebrate you
and the brunt of this most life changing event
imprints my mind
and i cry for you and how hard your fucking life was
and how you gave everything you had to try to make it through
how life dealt you a shitty hand
but still found peace with my father and your daughters
how beautiful you were not only aesthetically but inside as well
how you touched everyone you came across
there was no one like you
no one will ever forget you
you changed the world that rejected you
and i could only hope that i mirror one tiny spec of that magic and innovation
that radiated in all you were
in your art
in your writing
in your music
you are still alive
in your husband/best friend
in your sucessful and independent daughters
we all carry your star
all the nights i cried myself to sleep
thinking i could never get by
now i hold my fucking head high
with your sparkle in my eye
i have overcome
so fucking humbled
and grateful to have you in my life
i have survived
as many times as i have fucked up
as many times as i almost gave up
i'm still here and to get through all this
and have something to show for it
makes me cherish you so much
i did it all for you
and so now renay, my spellbinding and haunting mother
just as your name in irish means 'born again'
i am honored to carry that as my middle name
my tattoos bearing you for the rest of my life
you are born again
in me
my blood translates
compels the world to bow at my feet
overwhelmed with your spirit
your story
your smile
your song
and just for a moment
time stops
and i revel in your life
so far from ever being dead
so alive
for all time
inside me
and in all that i do
i fucking love you so goddamn much
and that love is still alive
no amount of time will ever keep you from my heart
perhaps physically mortal but your fight and thirst for life
is in me and you inspire me to carry on
our love will echo immortally in time

x.
Avalon Absinthe