Tuesday Sep 15, 2009

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confused I'll call this blog, the things i miss..... confused


i really need outside opinion, opinions from people who don't know my life's story, people who wont pass judgment because they personally know the characters in my life. At this point i am torn in two directions on how to feel, and what i should do next.
the background info

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
. first let me give you a bit of back story. from the time i was born until i turned 12, i lived with my two parents and my brother. my "parents" made allot of bad choices that added up through out the years. and around the age of 12 i left to stay the weekend at my cousin's house.

that weekend turned to weeks, i never ended up going back to my parents and my brother. i didn't want to. so a very long story short...my aunt and uncle became my parents. they took me in. as for my brother eventually things got really bad and he went to foster care (until he left at the age of 18)

the key to what i am telling you is, i willingly left my parents because i couldn't stand they way we where living. but my brother never had that option he was taken away due to there lack of parenting. i can honestly say my parents never tried hard enough to get us back.

so years and years go by. i have only spoken to my "mother" once since i was 12. all i feel for her is hatred.
my father, iv talked to him on and off a few times here and there through out the years. maybe once ever other year or so.

[

Now to the present (last night)
blackeyed due to recent events, my grandfather's death (please no empathy, i never knew him really, hell i only met him twice) and my brothers becoming a father soon....anyway i guess my brother called up our father to tell him the news,

then out of the blue my brother hands phone and begs me to talk to my father ( i refused at first, to tell you the truth id rather never be in his life again then to be a random phone call here and there)

after a good hour of talking, i wanted to break down and tell him everything,tell him every detail about me and who i became. but he doesn't deserve it, he did so much wrong, and i dont want to make it easy for him to just come back into my life after all these years...

is that wrong of me?

its a bad fault of mine, but i put up walls when it comes to this. i act like it doesn't hurt to have parents, i act like i don't care. and i act like i don't miss my father. but the truth is i really want a dad better late then never.




here is the situation, due to my grandfather dying, my grandmother will end up moving back to ohio soon
and my father will follower here, no doubt about that.

so i am left with this question, should i let him into our life's. should i try and become close with him, spend time with him and so on.? when i was 13 he moved to Florida, and i haven't seen him since.

i am so scared he hasnt changed a bit, i am afraid he didn't learn from his mistake, i am afraid to let him back in, because i finally clause enough to not let it get to me. and if i put my guard down it could happen all over again.

what would you do?

my father, mother and me....it sorta hurts looking at pics like this, wondering about all that could have been.





love now for happy cuteness


my first toilet experience


Halloween time!



now for other things i really miss, like my old 97 grandam....that car was the coolest! it was a piece of shit, but still cool, i blew the engine in it due to the lack of oil
whatever got the engine replaced, sold it to my cousin then it blew a year later.. good stuff



i freaking miss Mushroomhead, and there live shows, i used to have so much fun..but in the past years they really changed, and i dont like it one bit. i am not sure what happened but it really changed them.....
that and i miss popson so much, its just not the same without him in the band.





VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
tallahassee:
aw thanks! i'm making all the other beads green and purple since we both have a thing for the joker lol. i'm so excited to start, i can't wait to get the beads!

and that sounds fine by me, i should be able to be up n ready by then. not like i need to put on any makeup beforehand or anything lol!
blackjacket:
im a big believer in the saying "wrong me once, shame on you, wrong me twice, shame on me" i wouldn't be willing to take that chance, do you really what to go through the possible pain and suffering all over again, i know i wouldn't. Thats just me, but im also really good at holding grudges

do what ever you thing is going to be right for YOU

hope it all works out in the end

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