austere

sometimes i like to pretend that i am the sole source of dark energy in the universe; that upon the cessation of my brain's activity, the whole thing will collapse upon itself. of course - if that were to happen - everything would start over. an incomprehensibly large explosion would create a brand new universe. billions of years would pass and life would start again. some intelligence similar to our own would arise, and eventually, i sometimes allow myself to hope, i would get another life. maybe in this one i would have some glimmer of understanding about what the whole point of all this is.

it just doesn't add up - we are biological entities, like any other. we are driven by the same urge - to advance our species. we fight for dominance, we fuck, and we protect our own. we are as xenophobic and jingoistic as any other specie.

was it by some dumb luck we became aware of the inevitability that we each will die? was this knowledge supposed to in some way help us? without being foolish enough to believe our specific genetic code privileges us to a special existence beyond our mortal lives, it seems this knowledge should drive us all to work towards the advancement of our species. but we cling to ancient stories, and hope for special respite from the constant of death.

the entirety of human existence is but a breath in the life of the cosmos, each life barely a blink. but we are the most advanced species we know to ever have existed. most will live their lives either ignorant of or purposely ignoring these facts. they will live their lives chasing wealth, glory, pleasure, paradise...

if, on my death bed, i looked back and realized this is all i lived for - that i had no impact, no lasting contribution to the betterment of mankind, i would consider mine a life wasted. but this makes me feel so small. what could i possibly offer? i guess that is the first question i must answer on this quest.