aurora_b_alice

The way it's supposed to go is that you pack your bags, take the first bus out of Hometown Nowheresville, move to the city and start a more sophisticated and new sort of life. For the first few months, or perhaps first year, you may find yourself repeating the phrase "Where I'm from..." or "Back home..." and people politely grant you a few moments of nostalgia, but are secretly disinterested. Then you get over it, you let it go, you reinvent yourself and embrace your surroundings as your new home, tentative or not. But I'm not getting over it. I'm clinging to Alaska like the bad habit that it is. It is my barrier that justifies the separation that I constantly feel from everyone around me. It is the excuse for all my shortcomings and insecurities. I'm socially awkward because I'm from Alaska and people just socialize differently there. I'm intimidated by the girls I try to emulate because I grew up tromping through the woods and they grew up in a real city. I can't seem to develop a fashion sense because I grew up on a remote Alaskan island where the only fashion was plaid shirts and rubber boots. This all should have become irrelevant at least 5 years ago. An ex boyfriend pointed this out to me once. He told me I need to quit falling back on my safety net of "Back in Alaska....". That's what people come out to California to do. Create a new life of their own from scratch.

I was never ecstatic about coming to California, but I didn't have any other plans. I hated it for years, and I still don't exactly feel any love for it, but I'm at least used to it now. But almost every night for the past two months I find myself in an idealized representation of Alaska in my dreams with snowy mountains, small villages, and an ocean with whales and other strange things. Last night I was laying in bed listening to the ever-present search helicopter circling overhead and thinking of how my old friends back home are listening to the wind in the evergreen trees. A phone call to my friend confirmed that was the truth, but she added there was also the sound of the creek outside her door. She's living in a cabin in the woods. My other best friend is building the foundation for her cabin outside of town as well, next to the cabin of another good friend of mine...by the sea and next to a waterfall.

I was kind of scoffed at today by some people I met at a cafe in Burbank, they made some sort of reference to Alaska being the ghetto. Um, not exactly, maybe they should do some traveling and redefine their definition of ghetto. People caught in the rush traffic of life down here, trying to make it in the big city, are parading around on a search for self assurance and fulfillment they never seem to find. Ive never met so many unsatisfied people. Contentment is rare. I don't think they could ever realize the sense of self one finds when surrounded by the silence of the woods, looking out at a blue grey sea where seals are curiously looking back, and the only thing looking down on you are the mountains. You get a sense of something larger than yourself or anyone around you, and there's no one to prove anything to but yourself. But I'm not sure if that feeling holds it's context in California. After all, this is a different way of life, this is a different planet. No matter how much I try, I'm not sure I can ever assimilate.

I know the question is why then am I here, and why dont I leave? Short answer is, there are things that are offered here to a greater extent than they are in other places i.e. good art education, video game industry, connections. As soon as I get the full set of tools and experience that lured me here, I will probably stay until I cant stand it, and then Im running. If someday I make a small fortune, I may be able to afford to live somewhere with my ideal quality of life, like Saratoga, Santa Cruz, or Half Moon Bay, or somewhere in the mountains conveniently near the city. Or maybe I will find that this boy I have will make California more livable when were together again. But I suspect hes not in it for the long run so Im not making any plans around it, and no one wants to be attached to a girl who is perpetually unhappy with her surroundings. Now Im just gritting my teeth and baring it. My dream is to somehow make a comfortable living in the entertainment arts and live in Portland, Oregon, surrounded by strong and earthy friends, and create a home base of sorts so that I can travel the world. I guess Im here to make that happen.

If anyone made it to this point, thanks for listening, although Im putting this out there more to get it out of my head where it has been stuck. Its always nice to hear what others have to say about the big things in life, and to know youre not the only one struggling with such thoughts. Long ramblings of your own inner reflections are always welcome.

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Late night quickie painting mentioned in a post from old.