aubli

realized tonight that there are only two people in the entire world who i feel comfortable around. of all the people in the world, there are only two who i love and trust. everybody else, even the people i most want to be friends with, have been relegated to the uneven and uneasy role of acquaintances. there's no inbetween - there are the people i trust, and then everybody else i feel decidedly uncomfortable around most of the time.

this doesn't make for a great many comfortable places in the world. and whenever i spend time with people on the brink, the ones who are close to breaching the gap and actually reaching me, those are the times i find myself most bristling with invisible weaponry. targeting them, targeting me.

i was thinking about these and other things just now and finally decided to call my former psychologist right then and there (the one who i didn't pay on time and left in rather a strained and alienated position, once upon a time) and leave a message asking to talk with her about getting a referral to some other person in charlottesville (or, in the case that she didn't want to give me a referral, merely apologizing once more to her before i go off on my own search). i've given it quite a bit of thought and i know that i've learned a lot and that i'll be more responsible about things this go-around. as soon as i decided to call her i felt immediately better, until i realized i have no phone. so here i am.

now i'm going to go lie back down and wish a great many things, most all of them childish, and eventually i'll fall asleep.