aubli

the kind of day it's been? well, i got up in the morning late-ish, round 11:30, and the first thing i did was get up and walk over to the bathroom, where i proceeded to fall asleep again - standing up. i was losing consciousness but somehow still tottering on my feet like a dancing bear, trying to stay upright - i don't know whether fatespawn saw me staggering about or if he only heard my head bang against the cabinet (a thing of which i was only the most dimly aware) but he called over concerned to see if i was alright and that's what woke me up again. i dazedly regained my vision and my awareness and felt the porcelain wall of the bathtub against the backs of my legs - for all that my feet had kept dutifully trying to keep me upright, if i had gone any longer like that i surely would have fallen and knocked my skull against something very hard.

realization: only 7 hours of sleep every night for a week, plus staying up till 3:30 on friday night with mage people = immenent death for the self. dammit. i had begun to think i could get away without sleep again... i tend to assume sleep is optional, and have the sort of mindset that at any given point in time there's some food that i could eat to regain all my energy and stamina. i can hold myself together so well that i myself have a hard time telling when i'm at the edge. fortunately, my body has ways of getting my attention...

so yeah - i've been taking it easy-ish all day. i hope i'm able to pull myself together in time for the dawning - i can't believe i'm so drained. still a little unsteady on my feet, and not hungry at all but trying to fuel the self for wakefulness tonight. took a nap.

one funny thing? just how emotional i am on a day like today... am a lot more open and a lot more permissive to the self than i usually am, just because i don't have energy to keep up the boundaries and filters i usually do. i express a lot more of what i feel, and actually feel more in the first place. i wish i didn't have to sleep dep myself silly to become able to be angry or goofy without feling the need to rationalize it to myself first. weeee for the odd feeling of knowing oneself to be slightly invalid and thus feeling justified in treating the self with more indulgence than usual.

i hadn't felt dizzy like i did this morning in some time. reminds me of the one time in my life that i fainted - there was a similar feeling of immense relaxation, of the passage of an impossible length of time, the same disorientation upon coming out of it. it definitely took me a moment to piece together the fact that i was standing and which direction was up... my vision returned before i was fully equipped to make sense of it, which is kind of cool when you think about it, and i didn't recall right away that i was in a bathroom, or even in charlottesville. i could hear the voice calling me and knew it was a good voice, but wasn't certain who it belonged to. i was pretty sure that it was either fatespawn or xie. i don't think there was any logic to that conclusion, either, because i couldn't remember anything of what had been going on - i think my mind just jumped that way because they're the two most important people in my world. i'm really really glad i'm here with fatespawn, and i really miss xie. it was the oddest thing to realize from scratch that she isn't around. since she doesn't get to come online all that often, i really should start calling home more, if only in the hopes of getting to talk from time to time.

am feeling really strange and moody and weak. fatespawn's been taking really good care of me. the sadness is that i probably won't be dancing much tonight. damn this frigging mortal coil. though it can do bicept curls with 20 pound weights now, and i respect that. god i'm so pleased with myself.