am finally gonna get to go to the gym again - has been over a week! i've been itching to get back, too, it's just been so busy...
that said, i've been more productive today than i've been in a long while. and i don't even feel like i got all that much done - it's just that i haven't been getting anything at all done lately. hopefully that will change - it makes me really jittery and frustrated when i feel like i'm going nowhere.
really, really jittery and frustrated. i did better today, but i'm definitely not over this, whatever it is, quite yet. grrrrrr! is partly *why* i've been itching to get back to the gym - is nothing quite like sweating it out to make it subside a while.
speaking of which, the dawning - now club "transmission," a name not entirely to my taste, but whatever - is having a benefit concert on friday. will finally get to see everybody again and dance and hear the music and see the lights and feel the love... i swear they've got such a good thing going - even the people i don't know at all are still familiar faces to me, there's definitely a tight-knit community and *so* many regulars. am eager to dance, it's been so long and i miss it dreadfully. as good as revelations is (crazily enough i miss that place too, after having been there only maybe four times), it isn't the same. i need to get tickets, though - is the kind of thing i'd weep to see sold out from under me.
i am anxious and unfocused and dull and slow. i honestly feel mentally sluggish - this complete inability to organize my life seems really uncharacteristic for me, but it's become my norm. being with fatespawn helps a lot, i relax and have more fun whenever he's around, but i get the feeling there's also something i've got to work out or deal with or *something.* there must be some issue i can overcome, because there's no way i can default to this kind of state forever. i don't know what it is, though. i'm guessing it's some emotional thing, but i'm so bad with that kind of stuff - dunno if i'm having a return attack of family-induced stupidness (which makes no sense) or going crazy in a general sort of way about taking on a 9-5 job and entering the "real world" and having to dye my hair back to normal and knowing that i won't be able to randomly hop a bus or a trolley on a weekday to hang out and take lunch on the downtown mall for at least two years... ha, that's it. emotions are so stupid, they feel like a poorly conceived computer RPG. one of those text-based ones, or the graphic ones that don't show what parts of the environment you can interact with, or how. which is an idiotic comparison, perhaps, but i swear i try to look around and see what i'm carrying and do things in this idiotic emotional world it doesn't understand what seem like the most basic commands. and there are timeline problems, too, like in king's quest the one with that dumb princess - rosalind, i think, and if she found the shovel before she found the ladder she was screwed for no reason at all...
so yes, a rant on how feelings make me feel. blecch.
but yeah... i hope that darden is fun. they don't seem very fun right now, but that's probably partly my purple hair speaking. and i understand that, really i do, i'm just scared to death of not being up to par. i wish i felt like my supervisor was a bit fuzzier. dunno. i mean, on monday they had mint chocolate chip cookies - green-dyed, even - for st. patrick's day. that's kind of fun. i ate a socially inappropriate amount of them, too, because my closet was right across the hall from where they were sitting and nobody was around to see. and one of my nice coworkers shared some of her curry with me. but people still comment on my hair a lot - i think they're joking around and it's probably because most of them think it's cool or at least different enough to be intriguing. chances are they don't even realize that i've been asked to change it. but it makes me feel so nervous, because my supervisor's open door is maybe 5 feet away and i can't help but worry he'll think i'm flouting the rules or something. and i wonder if people at darden dress up for halloween at work. and i'm starting to learn C# (programming language - pronounced "C sharp") and i hope i do well. is a microsoft training manual - the animations make me laugh, they're so quintessentially corporate. yay microsoft, ha.
it's the same old song, i guess. i hope i don't grow up. i hope i still have fun, even at work. i hope i still have enough time for myself. i hope i have plenty and enough time for fatespawn, too. i hope i regain my power to be motivated and focused and self-directed, because i want to make fantastic things, but it seems that my availability continues to decrease... i will make fantastic things at work, i'm sure (i.e. i hope so very much... i'd better) but i want to make the things of my own, too. i want to do things i care passionately about with other people who feel the same way. darden might be a place that i can do that, but it scares me to have to make the concessions and take on the responsibilities necessary to find out.
cause what if it's not, and i'm trapped?
two years is a very long time, even in grown-up perspective.
What Classic Movie Are You?
What Famous Leader Are You?
that said, i've been more productive today than i've been in a long while. and i don't even feel like i got all that much done - it's just that i haven't been getting anything at all done lately. hopefully that will change - it makes me really jittery and frustrated when i feel like i'm going nowhere.
really, really jittery and frustrated. i did better today, but i'm definitely not over this, whatever it is, quite yet. grrrrrr! is partly *why* i've been itching to get back to the gym - is nothing quite like sweating it out to make it subside a while.
speaking of which, the dawning - now club "transmission," a name not entirely to my taste, but whatever - is having a benefit concert on friday. will finally get to see everybody again and dance and hear the music and see the lights and feel the love... i swear they've got such a good thing going - even the people i don't know at all are still familiar faces to me, there's definitely a tight-knit community and *so* many regulars. am eager to dance, it's been so long and i miss it dreadfully. as good as revelations is (crazily enough i miss that place too, after having been there only maybe four times), it isn't the same. i need to get tickets, though - is the kind of thing i'd weep to see sold out from under me.
i am anxious and unfocused and dull and slow. i honestly feel mentally sluggish - this complete inability to organize my life seems really uncharacteristic for me, but it's become my norm. being with fatespawn helps a lot, i relax and have more fun whenever he's around, but i get the feeling there's also something i've got to work out or deal with or *something.* there must be some issue i can overcome, because there's no way i can default to this kind of state forever. i don't know what it is, though. i'm guessing it's some emotional thing, but i'm so bad with that kind of stuff - dunno if i'm having a return attack of family-induced stupidness (which makes no sense) or going crazy in a general sort of way about taking on a 9-5 job and entering the "real world" and having to dye my hair back to normal and knowing that i won't be able to randomly hop a bus or a trolley on a weekday to hang out and take lunch on the downtown mall for at least two years... ha, that's it. emotions are so stupid, they feel like a poorly conceived computer RPG. one of those text-based ones, or the graphic ones that don't show what parts of the environment you can interact with, or how. which is an idiotic comparison, perhaps, but i swear i try to look around and see what i'm carrying and do things in this idiotic emotional world it doesn't understand what seem like the most basic commands. and there are timeline problems, too, like in king's quest the one with that dumb princess - rosalind, i think, and if she found the shovel before she found the ladder she was screwed for no reason at all...
so yes, a rant on how feelings make me feel. blecch.
but yeah... i hope that darden is fun. they don't seem very fun right now, but that's probably partly my purple hair speaking. and i understand that, really i do, i'm just scared to death of not being up to par. i wish i felt like my supervisor was a bit fuzzier. dunno. i mean, on monday they had mint chocolate chip cookies - green-dyed, even - for st. patrick's day. that's kind of fun. i ate a socially inappropriate amount of them, too, because my closet was right across the hall from where they were sitting and nobody was around to see. and one of my nice coworkers shared some of her curry with me. but people still comment on my hair a lot - i think they're joking around and it's probably because most of them think it's cool or at least different enough to be intriguing. chances are they don't even realize that i've been asked to change it. but it makes me feel so nervous, because my supervisor's open door is maybe 5 feet away and i can't help but worry he'll think i'm flouting the rules or something. and i wonder if people at darden dress up for halloween at work. and i'm starting to learn C# (programming language - pronounced "C sharp") and i hope i do well. is a microsoft training manual - the animations make me laugh, they're so quintessentially corporate. yay microsoft, ha.
it's the same old song, i guess. i hope i don't grow up. i hope i still have fun, even at work. i hope i still have enough time for myself. i hope i have plenty and enough time for fatespawn, too. i hope i regain my power to be motivated and focused and self-directed, because i want to make fantastic things, but it seems that my availability continues to decrease... i will make fantastic things at work, i'm sure (i.e. i hope so very much... i'd better) but i want to make the things of my own, too. i want to do things i care passionately about with other people who feel the same way. darden might be a place that i can do that, but it scares me to have to make the concessions and take on the responsibilities necessary to find out.
cause what if it's not, and i'm trapped?
two years is a very long time, even in grown-up perspective.
What Classic Movie Are You?
What Famous Leader Are You?
One day, when you actually are a grown up you will look back over this time in your life with fond remembrance.
I promise I dont mean that in a condescending way.
I dont get how my answers added up to that, but there it is.
I didnt know her that well, but I know who she is lol