I feel so alone right now.. a man trapped on an island in a sea of silence this night. I'm not lonely necessarily...more set apart from everyone. Even though there are people in rooms next door to me in my building, I feel like there is nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company in the wee hours of the morning. It's been a while since I've taken a breath and stepped outside my own frame of mind to examine and reflect upon the last two months. The mind is such a funny thing. With a little time and pressure, one can see the transformation and evolution of one's state of being. A seemingly simple back surgery completely flipped my life upside down. Emotions that I thought that I had left behind in a different life resurfaced without warning and I found myself struggling to find a safe harbor; my mind being tossed in the wind like a cluster of fallen leaves. Now that my recovery has neared it's completion, I'm not quite sure where I stand in the grand scheme of things. There are so many fleeting thoughts that race through this mind of mine, but I find myself feeling so apathetic to it all. Detached, but still concerned enough to lose sleep over it all.
My mother once told me that the key to eating an elephant was to eat it "one bite at a time." While it may sound a bit childish, the principle remains. For years I have always shouldered the burden of my own mistakes. As a human I am naturally prone to fail. It's just how the universe works. The only difference between me and you is how I react to my failure. In the past I have gone to great lengths to suppress my failure with the use of spending money, women, and alcohol just to name a few. I know that after so many years that I cannot continue to use those past mistakes as a way to measure how I live my day to day. But it is always easier said than done.
Not sure what the point of this rambling was but I felt the need to say all of the above anyway. For those that read everything... thanks. I appreciate the ongoing support.
Now I get to work tomorrow for three hours and get work off until next Monday.
Good night.
My mother once told me that the key to eating an elephant was to eat it "one bite at a time." While it may sound a bit childish, the principle remains. For years I have always shouldered the burden of my own mistakes. As a human I am naturally prone to fail. It's just how the universe works. The only difference between me and you is how I react to my failure. In the past I have gone to great lengths to suppress my failure with the use of spending money, women, and alcohol just to name a few. I know that after so many years that I cannot continue to use those past mistakes as a way to measure how I live my day to day. But it is always easier said than done.
Not sure what the point of this rambling was but I felt the need to say all of the above anyway. For those that read everything... thanks. I appreciate the ongoing support.
Now I get to work tomorrow for three hours and get work off until next Monday.
Good night.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
cinn:
I hope things look up for you soon, love. I think we've all been here. I too tend to get pulled into the abyss sometimes. Crawling back out takes time, bite by bite as your mother said of the elephant. <3
zeppers:
i'm here if you need to talk