So here's the update:
Yesterday I had called different members of my family to let them know what was going on and to let them know that I was thinking about harming myself. My mother was genuinely concerned of course and after she got off the phone with me she phoned the Red Cross. The Red Cross got a hold of my unit and my commander came to wake me up last night at 11pm. He didn't stay long however since my platoon Sgt sat me down and talked to me. My First Sgt showed up and I broke down infront of both of them. I balled my eyes out for a good hour. I explained the roommate situation in great detail, how I feel hopeless about everything in general, how I don't want to be in the service anymore and also how I feel that the Army took all my defining qualities away from me. That I cannot look in the mirror anymore because I don't recognize the person staring back at me. It makes me want to break the mirror so I don't have to look at the shell of a man that I have become. So I stayed up til 2am talking to them and also to a Chaplin. It was decided to switch me rooms so I am out of that situation and also there is some concern with me not being fully healed and on intense pain medication.
I went to bed and woke up a few hours later for the day and not much happened. It was a normal day besides the fact that I spent the entire morning crying on the phone to my family. My sister pretty much told me that if I got out of the Army that it would be worse. She totally denied all of my feelings and said that if I got out that I couldn't go back to school. She doesn't believe in me and my father somewhat agrees with her.
I called my mother immediately afterward to tell her about what had happened and spent more time crying. I don't need people to tell me what I can and cannot do with my life. No one knows what I am capable except me. That is the bottomline. Fuck everyone else that is trying to put up roadblocks. It isn't helping the situation at all.
Right now... I'm sitting in my new room. The roommate I have is someone I get along with alright. He and I have some similar interests like WoW and such. It will be interesting to see how I fit with him. It is a solution? No its not because my problems stem far beyond the roommate issue. I haven't cried for a couple of hours, yet I really don't feel all that different mentally. I feel... nothing. I still am teetering on the edge of not caring about anything anymore. I still want to harm myself meaning cutting and such.
That's another thing.. how many people out there don't know the difference between cutting and suicide? Apparently people that I have been talking to think they are one in the same. I don't get it at all.
I'm mentally exhausted. I want to sleep forever but of course I am slated for a 24 hour duty shift tomorrow at 9am. I have to see if they still want me to do that since the Captain wants me on light duty and he wants someone watching me during the day.
Universe.. fuck you.
Yesterday I had called different members of my family to let them know what was going on and to let them know that I was thinking about harming myself. My mother was genuinely concerned of course and after she got off the phone with me she phoned the Red Cross. The Red Cross got a hold of my unit and my commander came to wake me up last night at 11pm. He didn't stay long however since my platoon Sgt sat me down and talked to me. My First Sgt showed up and I broke down infront of both of them. I balled my eyes out for a good hour. I explained the roommate situation in great detail, how I feel hopeless about everything in general, how I don't want to be in the service anymore and also how I feel that the Army took all my defining qualities away from me. That I cannot look in the mirror anymore because I don't recognize the person staring back at me. It makes me want to break the mirror so I don't have to look at the shell of a man that I have become. So I stayed up til 2am talking to them and also to a Chaplin. It was decided to switch me rooms so I am out of that situation and also there is some concern with me not being fully healed and on intense pain medication.
I went to bed and woke up a few hours later for the day and not much happened. It was a normal day besides the fact that I spent the entire morning crying on the phone to my family. My sister pretty much told me that if I got out of the Army that it would be worse. She totally denied all of my feelings and said that if I got out that I couldn't go back to school. She doesn't believe in me and my father somewhat agrees with her.
I called my mother immediately afterward to tell her about what had happened and spent more time crying. I don't need people to tell me what I can and cannot do with my life. No one knows what I am capable except me. That is the bottomline. Fuck everyone else that is trying to put up roadblocks. It isn't helping the situation at all.
Right now... I'm sitting in my new room. The roommate I have is someone I get along with alright. He and I have some similar interests like WoW and such. It will be interesting to see how I fit with him. It is a solution? No its not because my problems stem far beyond the roommate issue. I haven't cried for a couple of hours, yet I really don't feel all that different mentally. I feel... nothing. I still am teetering on the edge of not caring about anything anymore. I still want to harm myself meaning cutting and such.
That's another thing.. how many people out there don't know the difference between cutting and suicide? Apparently people that I have been talking to think they are one in the same. I don't get it at all.
I'm mentally exhausted. I want to sleep forever but of course I am slated for a 24 hour duty shift tomorrow at 9am. I have to see if they still want me to do that since the Captain wants me on light duty and he wants someone watching me during the day.
Universe.. fuck you.
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
All of my good thoughts to you, friend. Look how loved you are. I'm glad that you have a better situation to live in, at least. It isn't enough, I know, but it's a beginning. If you can slowly take out the extra stresses of your life, then you can begin to deal with the problem itself.
As far as the cutting thing goes, I used to do it all the time and got the same response. "Are you trying to kill yoursellf?" No, I'm not that fucking selfish. There is a difference. People who have never had a reason to want to hurt themselves often don't understand it and are very harmful to be around. In my experience, they usually made things worse for me.
I know I've told you this before, but I want you to remember that you absolutely can always talk to me if you need to. In fact, I insist.
I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. <3