atti

I'm not sure if it is the changing of the leaves or the cooler breezes that blow in my windows late at night, but something about this particular morning made me want to write a blog. I suppose a big part of my reason for wanting to write a blog was because of earlier tonight.

Sundays are always a day off for me. For those of you who don't know, I work at a bar as a bouncer. Our bar isn't open on Sundays, so its always a free day for me to catch up on sleep and get a few things done, even though I usually sit on my ass. I had made some extra money this weekend at work, so I decided to walk to Taco Bell and indulge (I love food). As I was walking there, I really felt the urge to want to talk to someone about my life and everything that is going on in it. When I pulled out my cell phone to call someone, I realized that out of all the names and numbers in my contacts, none of them were really friends that I could call. Sure, they were maybe at one point or another, when I was a different person in a much different situation, but now I was a completely separate man than I was six months, a year, five years ago. The people in my phone only know me as an echo of someone I used to be. I may be somewhat ashamed of some decisions in recent years that I've made, but in no way would I conspire with Doc Brown to invent a time-machine so I could fix my shattered past. It wouldn't change the fact that I've experienced those memories before and will continue to in my mind for the rest of my life. What's done is done.

So I walked, slower than normal, to Taco Bell and home again, reflecting on my life and the different paths before me.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I_
I took the one less traveled by,"

Robert Frost may have written this ninety years ago, but these words are truer now than they ever were before. It was the one quote in my head every step of that walk home. I wonder what I'll find on my road.

Coincidentally, during this time of uncertainty and change I find myself falling for someone. And like always I find a knot in my stomach tightening like a noose around my neck. You may wonder why I feel so negative about this, but some of you know all too well, that more times than not, I sabotage any hope for a happy relationship.. many times before it begins.

Just an fyi, I had written three more paragraphs describing this said person before reading over it and deciding that the minute details aren't important. What is important is that I am afraid that I could at any moment self-destruct like I always do and ruin something that, for the first in years, I feel could be a good thing. I'm trying to find the courage to stand up to my fast deficiencies and move past them. So far, I feel that I am doing just that. It definitely helped when I found out recently after a late night conversation, that we have shared feelings for each other. I don't think I could fall asleep that night I was smiling so much. I'm just glad we are taking it slow.

All-in-all life is going along steadily. I'm alive. And I tell myself that everyday when I open my eyes and remember who's body I am in. Sometimes the best motivation for me is finding the little positives around me and making sure I don't take them for granted.

Good night.